*Crash* (tinkle)
Oct. 8th, 2003 02:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormThat was the sound of me falling apart.
It's an okay falling apart right now. I've got the luxury of going home and holing up with no telephone for a day or two. I can read. I can clean.
I need a calm, predictable, and stable environment right now and home's the only place I'm going to get it. It's interesting, because the stimulus for this crash is not really very great -- it's just that, coming down as I have from the last long stressful period, I'm just very thin-skinned right now.
My mind's caught in a tight little loop right now. It's telling me: you can't do anything right, you don't do anything right, you only make things worse, you shouldn't be around, you've overstayed your welcome, you can't interact with people at all successfully, go away and hide.
Some of it is true in some distorted sense, some of it not at all, but I think I need some peace and quiet to get a grip on it. The alternative is more processing, and that isn't an option right now - some very definitely more important things supercede it. So, I'm on my own. I can do this, and so I will. I need to remember who I am, why I'm proud of myself, where my values and the important things in my life lie.
I need, I guess, to spend some time with myself -- not busy doing other things, not because everyone else is busy, but because I choose to do things with myself that I like. I can go home and curl up under my covers with a book and some hot chocolate and spend time with myself in the evening -- and that will work. There will be none of this complex negotiating about who feels like doing what or needs to do what else in that amount of time.
Then, when I remember that I can do that, when I've done it for a little while, I'll have a stable base from which to reenter the Wonderful Wacky World of Weird People (tm) whom I all care for very much and like to spend time with.
So, all in all, this is a gentle and controlled fall. It should have good consequences, if no one resents my need for time away (please don't?). I've been doing this sort of thing very seldom, lately, and it does feel good to be doing it again.
When I take myself on dates to new restaurants (and I am always in accord with myself over which ones I want to go to) I can talk to myself without miscommunicating with myself and without arguing with myself, on my own schedule. And it's good. And I think, after my date with myself and my book tonight, that that is exactly what I'll do. And that's good.
Update, sooner or later -- internet won't be around for awhile. Until then, take care. And -- be peaceful.
It's an okay falling apart right now. I've got the luxury of going home and holing up with no telephone for a day or two. I can read. I can clean.
I need a calm, predictable, and stable environment right now and home's the only place I'm going to get it. It's interesting, because the stimulus for this crash is not really very great -- it's just that, coming down as I have from the last long stressful period, I'm just very thin-skinned right now.
My mind's caught in a tight little loop right now. It's telling me: you can't do anything right, you don't do anything right, you only make things worse, you shouldn't be around, you've overstayed your welcome, you can't interact with people at all successfully, go away and hide.
Some of it is true in some distorted sense, some of it not at all, but I think I need some peace and quiet to get a grip on it. The alternative is more processing, and that isn't an option right now - some very definitely more important things supercede it. So, I'm on my own. I can do this, and so I will. I need to remember who I am, why I'm proud of myself, where my values and the important things in my life lie.
I need, I guess, to spend some time with myself -- not busy doing other things, not because everyone else is busy, but because I choose to do things with myself that I like. I can go home and curl up under my covers with a book and some hot chocolate and spend time with myself in the evening -- and that will work. There will be none of this complex negotiating about who feels like doing what or needs to do what else in that amount of time.
Then, when I remember that I can do that, when I've done it for a little while, I'll have a stable base from which to reenter the Wonderful Wacky World of Weird People (tm) whom I all care for very much and like to spend time with.
So, all in all, this is a gentle and controlled fall. It should have good consequences, if no one resents my need for time away (please don't?). I've been doing this sort of thing very seldom, lately, and it does feel good to be doing it again.
When I take myself on dates to new restaurants (and I am always in accord with myself over which ones I want to go to) I can talk to myself without miscommunicating with myself and without arguing with myself, on my own schedule. And it's good. And I think, after my date with myself and my book tonight, that that is exactly what I'll do. And that's good.
Update, sooner or later -- internet won't be around for awhile. Until then, take care. And -- be peaceful.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Big Hug
Date: 2003-10-10 05:41 am (UTC)I found your journal via Mouse's journal. I hope you don't mind that I've added you to my friends list. I'm really glad Mouse got me going again on my own journal here. I haven't written in it since April! That calls for an entry on journals that aren't very consistent....
Anyway, I just read your post and wanted to send you a Big Hug! I've been missing your warm smile at Chia, but after reading this, I understand better your need to be left alone for awhile. (and with me bugging you this week about getting to know you better - thanks for being sane in your note to me! I'm sorry if I put any added pressure on you.)
I totally understanding needing alone time. Hubby and I have a similar arrangement for "downtime" in the evenings to just veg in front of the tube, or write, or MUSH or whatever, sans chores and kids. It's kinda tricky since we don't actually leave the apartment at that time - it's more of a mental thing really. I think it's great that you know what you need and do it, so you can bring back in the energy you've expended keeping your world balanced.
I never thought I'd actually need or look forward to alone time. I hate being isolated, away from others especially those whom I love and admire, but alone time is good for the soul, a time to kick back and just Be for awhile.
So I hope your reenergizing is going well. Hope to see you at Chia!
Reb