Clever Title Here.
Nov. 3rd, 2003 07:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormThe weekend did, indeed, end. Sunday was nice in the end, in a low-key kind of way. I spent, as I recall (and my memory sucks because I didn't sleep well the night before, so I may not) a lot of the day on the computer, playing Everquest and working on the game. The more I think about it the more confused I get, so I'll stop trying.
This morning was nice. I got to spend it with the now-healthy Juggler in the bit before he went to work, and it was good to see him up and around. I feel a little bit... strange, or bad, or guilty, or all of them, right now. It was a bad weekend, and a lot of my stuff made it bad. The fact that it was bad meant that a bunch of people went through some sucky stuff, and I guess that's getting to me. I really don't like making people unhappy, and I just seemed to hit everyone exactly wrong...
So the morning was nice, save for the fact that I spent half an hour looking for my glasses and couldn't find them -- I hate to be without them, I feel helpless. And then I got to have some time to myself/around people who I didn't have to worry much about, and that was nicer yet. Well... okay, maybe not nicer, but more relaxing.
Right now I'm completely wound up. I'm afraid to do anything with anyone for fear of making a misstep. I have a couple of kinds of recurring paranoia a lot, and I've had this one often. Realistically I think that the people in my life are forgiving, and will love me as much as before despite this. Still, right now I can't keep myself from poking at it like a sore tooth. I hate the way you can't interface directly with Reality, if there is such a thing, and must instead wander around half-connected by the highly subjective evidence of your senses and by the intuition that comes in the silences.
So, I think this week will be a nice quiet one. Thursday I go and see the Matrix with a whackload of people, and a crowd presents a large degree of anonymity, so that will be a gentle experience. Friday I run a funeral (the first ever, I had to invent the ceremony) on Chia, and then go to the poly meet and hopefully get some relaxing/distracted time outside my sometimes stifling little circle. Then? We will see. I need to finish garden cleanup and maybe dig a new garden bed or two...
And until then, until Thursday or Friday or whatever, I'll keep to myself and hand around resumes with a smile and get together a list of transit-to-nurseries directions in preperation for looking for the work that I really want to do at their Christmas rush and read or write in the evenings and think, perhaps, about what sort of equipment I want for my new Everquest character.
And, there will be peace. If there's enough peace I may even call around and give out my new phone number to the people (all of them) who don't have it, and I'll probably go see my brother and borrow his bike.
And, sometime, someone will say something and the paranoia will clear, and the sun will come out again. Be well, until then and afterwards.
This morning was nice. I got to spend it with the now-healthy Juggler in the bit before he went to work, and it was good to see him up and around. I feel a little bit... strange, or bad, or guilty, or all of them, right now. It was a bad weekend, and a lot of my stuff made it bad. The fact that it was bad meant that a bunch of people went through some sucky stuff, and I guess that's getting to me. I really don't like making people unhappy, and I just seemed to hit everyone exactly wrong...
So the morning was nice, save for the fact that I spent half an hour looking for my glasses and couldn't find them -- I hate to be without them, I feel helpless. And then I got to have some time to myself/around people who I didn't have to worry much about, and that was nicer yet. Well... okay, maybe not nicer, but more relaxing.
Right now I'm completely wound up. I'm afraid to do anything with anyone for fear of making a misstep. I have a couple of kinds of recurring paranoia a lot, and I've had this one often. Realistically I think that the people in my life are forgiving, and will love me as much as before despite this. Still, right now I can't keep myself from poking at it like a sore tooth. I hate the way you can't interface directly with Reality, if there is such a thing, and must instead wander around half-connected by the highly subjective evidence of your senses and by the intuition that comes in the silences.
So, I think this week will be a nice quiet one. Thursday I go and see the Matrix with a whackload of people, and a crowd presents a large degree of anonymity, so that will be a gentle experience. Friday I run a funeral (the first ever, I had to invent the ceremony) on Chia, and then go to the poly meet and hopefully get some relaxing/distracted time outside my sometimes stifling little circle. Then? We will see. I need to finish garden cleanup and maybe dig a new garden bed or two...
And until then, until Thursday or Friday or whatever, I'll keep to myself and hand around resumes with a smile and get together a list of transit-to-nurseries directions in preperation for looking for the work that I really want to do at their Christmas rush and read or write in the evenings and think, perhaps, about what sort of equipment I want for my new Everquest character.
And, there will be peace. If there's enough peace I may even call around and give out my new phone number to the people (all of them) who don't have it, and I'll probably go see my brother and borrow his bike.
And, sometime, someone will say something and the paranoia will clear, and the sun will come out again. Be well, until then and afterwards.
