Awake Again
Nov. 10th, 2003 07:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormI really need to spend more time sleeping. For the last two nights I've been staying up, because if I don't stay up I don't get time with the Juggler. My circadian rhythms wake me up at 7:30 like clockwork, though -- and just last night (tonight?) I got to sleep earlyish but then woke up with the SO at... 6-something? And it's starting to look like I won't get back to sleep. Pah.
I'm really having issues with time lately, actually. What feel to me like very serious issues. I end up having these big, empty chunks of time without anything much to do, and where (for a specific reason) I don't feel like I can start anything engrossing or demanding. Then there's the rest of the time, when I have too much to do and end up feeling like I need to cancel things.
I know why this is, or at least I think I do. And... it's happening because I just am not sticking to my guns. I need to set down some ground rules for myself and follow them, because this schedule is making me literally ill. I need my sleep. I need restful times sometimes. I -want- this thing which is interfering with that, but I'm worth more than it is, right? Gods, but this is hard to deal with.
You know, I've spent much of my life believing that most people were basically rational. That is, presented with a bunch of facts, they'd look at the situation and go, yeah, it looks like this is what needs to be done.
What I've learned lately, and this is a hard thing to learn, is that people seem to like misreading the 'facts' of the current situation, which generally involves their abilities or desires, in a hopeful sort of way. So they'll look at the situation and say, I can do that, when they can't -- when they just want to.
That's hard for me to deal with. I have a tendency to believe people, and so I end up going through this cycle where I'm told something, I believe it, it doesn't happen, I get unhappy with that, I go back to the person, they say it's okay, for some reason I believe them even though it doesn't seem to be true, I go away, it doesn't happen... and I hang on like that.
I didn't used to do this. I didn't used to trust people at all, much, actually. I don't know where the line is. It's supposed to be good to trust people, but you just can't afford to trust what people say when they're not being honest with themselves.
Most people aren't malicious. Most people won't lie to you knowingly. But, if they don't know it themselves...
Life is a dangerous game. It takes you through a lot of bruising and battering. IMO honesty is sort of like running directly for the sharpest rocks so that you can control what kind of bruising you get and where you get it rather than letting chance take you where it may. It's scary like that, heading towards something that hurts, acknowledging that maybe there's no make-everyone-happy no-compromise way out of a situation. And it's especially scary when you've got a situation like that with someone you love, because the honesty risks hurting them, too. It's terrible to disappoint someone, and you could even lose them if you admit that the situation isn't good for either of you.
But, my Gods! This cycling is worse than anything sharp and honest.
Now, interested in reality-grounding? Hmm. I should probably do this. Let's see.
Good stuff:
The cycle has only happened once, thus far. That is, it hasn't has a second discussion yet and a second failure. There may just be a miscommunication involved, or a lack of proper consensus on how to communicate some vital information that needs to be communicated (ie. How should I ask for this?).
I brought it up just a little bit, though, and there appears to be effort made which is more in line with what I believe the agreement was.
There appear to be secondary factors which are preventing things from happening how they were supposed to, that weren't taken into account, and could probably be taken into account easily enough.
It hasn't been a hugely long time since we talked the first time, maybe two/three weeks? And I may still be jumping at shadows/needy/overreactive from the space before that.
Bad stuff:
Circumstances conspire such that this next week is probably the easiest point in the next six months to meet the agreement, and (jumping at shadows?) I'm not sure that it will happen given the info I have on me now. While I need to wait until the week is out before I can see what happened, if it doesn't happen this week the likelihood is that it won't, ever.
I have had to bring it up to get things rolling. That is, I have so far taken the initiative in bringing the situation up, although after it's brought up I'm no always the person to suggest a solution. To my knowledge no initiative to do something about it before it's brought up has been taken, to prevent the necessity of a reminder/doubt.
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH FUCKING TALKING ABOUT THE WHOLE THING TO LAST ME A LIFETIME. I don't want to talk about it more. Talking about it doesn't feel good or productive to me, it doesn't give me the core feeling of a satisfactory outcome that processing can (although I haven't been getting that in a number of situations lately, hm). This means I'm feeling more likely to drop the whole thing and bury my head in other people/things rather than see if there's a miscommunication and/or renegotiate the relationship.
Okay, so this probably doesn't make sense to anyone, but it's helped me a bit. There's maybe more reasoning behind giving the benefit of the doubt for a little longer, and just watching and seeing what happens. Being this tired of talking about something's a definite red flag for me -- it doesn't happen often. I need to think about that, and about the cause of it, which is that it doesn't feel lately as if the talks have a productive end.
There are, off the top of my head, two possible reasons for this: either we're talking, coming to an agreement, the agreement's being honored and I can't see it for some reason, or the agreement's not being honored. Either way I don't get that feeling of, that was hard work but here's a good outcome.
So I guess I wait and see, and watch in a critical/scientific sort of way with charts and stuff to see whether my feeling of reality corresponds with reality itself. In the meantime I keep myself busy and sane. Wait! And, bah, I sleep. I relax, I trust, I sleep, and I keep my eyes open. ;)
Having gone through all that, I feel like my head's on a little straighter.
Big sisters meeting tonight (I think, I sent an email to register and haven't had a response yet. Need to call). Possibly stuff during the day. Tomorrow's an anniversary of the SO and I, and I'm hoping the weather clears up a little before then. There are so many things I can do with him involving outdoors that I can't do with other people.
I'm hoping my short-to-midterm memory will clear up when I have bits of the past that I'm completely comfortable with remembering. Generally, if something is stressful.worrisome I don't remember it or anything in the immediate time vicinity. I've lost quite awhile in there.
Eep. I've been typing for something like forty minutes. This will be long, though some of that time involved thinking. And, I'll do food and sleep until I need to go do other stuff.
I love the fact that my apartment's warm enough to wander in without clothes and the windows open even in winter.
I'm really having issues with time lately, actually. What feel to me like very serious issues. I end up having these big, empty chunks of time without anything much to do, and where (for a specific reason) I don't feel like I can start anything engrossing or demanding. Then there's the rest of the time, when I have too much to do and end up feeling like I need to cancel things.
I know why this is, or at least I think I do. And... it's happening because I just am not sticking to my guns. I need to set down some ground rules for myself and follow them, because this schedule is making me literally ill. I need my sleep. I need restful times sometimes. I -want- this thing which is interfering with that, but I'm worth more than it is, right? Gods, but this is hard to deal with.
You know, I've spent much of my life believing that most people were basically rational. That is, presented with a bunch of facts, they'd look at the situation and go, yeah, it looks like this is what needs to be done.
What I've learned lately, and this is a hard thing to learn, is that people seem to like misreading the 'facts' of the current situation, which generally involves their abilities or desires, in a hopeful sort of way. So they'll look at the situation and say, I can do that, when they can't -- when they just want to.
That's hard for me to deal with. I have a tendency to believe people, and so I end up going through this cycle where I'm told something, I believe it, it doesn't happen, I get unhappy with that, I go back to the person, they say it's okay, for some reason I believe them even though it doesn't seem to be true, I go away, it doesn't happen... and I hang on like that.
I didn't used to do this. I didn't used to trust people at all, much, actually. I don't know where the line is. It's supposed to be good to trust people, but you just can't afford to trust what people say when they're not being honest with themselves.
Most people aren't malicious. Most people won't lie to you knowingly. But, if they don't know it themselves...
Life is a dangerous game. It takes you through a lot of bruising and battering. IMO honesty is sort of like running directly for the sharpest rocks so that you can control what kind of bruising you get and where you get it rather than letting chance take you where it may. It's scary like that, heading towards something that hurts, acknowledging that maybe there's no make-everyone-happy no-compromise way out of a situation. And it's especially scary when you've got a situation like that with someone you love, because the honesty risks hurting them, too. It's terrible to disappoint someone, and you could even lose them if you admit that the situation isn't good for either of you.
But, my Gods! This cycling is worse than anything sharp and honest.
Now, interested in reality-grounding? Hmm. I should probably do this. Let's see.
Good stuff:
The cycle has only happened once, thus far. That is, it hasn't has a second discussion yet and a second failure. There may just be a miscommunication involved, or a lack of proper consensus on how to communicate some vital information that needs to be communicated (ie. How should I ask for this?).
I brought it up just a little bit, though, and there appears to be effort made which is more in line with what I believe the agreement was.
There appear to be secondary factors which are preventing things from happening how they were supposed to, that weren't taken into account, and could probably be taken into account easily enough.
It hasn't been a hugely long time since we talked the first time, maybe two/three weeks? And I may still be jumping at shadows/needy/overreactive from the space before that.
Bad stuff:
Circumstances conspire such that this next week is probably the easiest point in the next six months to meet the agreement, and (jumping at shadows?) I'm not sure that it will happen given the info I have on me now. While I need to wait until the week is out before I can see what happened, if it doesn't happen this week the likelihood is that it won't, ever.
I have had to bring it up to get things rolling. That is, I have so far taken the initiative in bringing the situation up, although after it's brought up I'm no always the person to suggest a solution. To my knowledge no initiative to do something about it before it's brought up has been taken, to prevent the necessity of a reminder/doubt.
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH FUCKING TALKING ABOUT THE WHOLE THING TO LAST ME A LIFETIME. I don't want to talk about it more. Talking about it doesn't feel good or productive to me, it doesn't give me the core feeling of a satisfactory outcome that processing can (although I haven't been getting that in a number of situations lately, hm). This means I'm feeling more likely to drop the whole thing and bury my head in other people/things rather than see if there's a miscommunication and/or renegotiate the relationship.
Okay, so this probably doesn't make sense to anyone, but it's helped me a bit. There's maybe more reasoning behind giving the benefit of the doubt for a little longer, and just watching and seeing what happens. Being this tired of talking about something's a definite red flag for me -- it doesn't happen often. I need to think about that, and about the cause of it, which is that it doesn't feel lately as if the talks have a productive end.
There are, off the top of my head, two possible reasons for this: either we're talking, coming to an agreement, the agreement's being honored and I can't see it for some reason, or the agreement's not being honored. Either way I don't get that feeling of, that was hard work but here's a good outcome.
So I guess I wait and see, and watch in a critical/scientific sort of way with charts and stuff to see whether my feeling of reality corresponds with reality itself. In the meantime I keep myself busy and sane. Wait! And, bah, I sleep. I relax, I trust, I sleep, and I keep my eyes open. ;)
Having gone through all that, I feel like my head's on a little straighter.
Big sisters meeting tonight (I think, I sent an email to register and haven't had a response yet. Need to call). Possibly stuff during the day. Tomorrow's an anniversary of the SO and I, and I'm hoping the weather clears up a little before then. There are so many things I can do with him involving outdoors that I can't do with other people.
I'm hoping my short-to-midterm memory will clear up when I have bits of the past that I'm completely comfortable with remembering. Generally, if something is stressful.worrisome I don't remember it or anything in the immediate time vicinity. I've lost quite awhile in there.
Eep. I've been typing for something like forty minutes. This will be long, though some of that time involved thinking. And, I'll do food and sleep until I need to go do other stuff.
I love the fact that my apartment's warm enough to wander in without clothes and the windows open even in winter.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-11-10 05:09 pm (UTC)I'm the same way. I can remember only about 5% of my junior year of high school.
Yep
Date: 2003-11-10 05:58 pm (UTC)*HUGS*
Re: Yep
Date: 2003-11-11 02:28 am (UTC)Man. But thanks for the hugs!