Unavoidable
Sep. 24th, 2007 09:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormHere I rant a bit about living with an ex.
I've been very good about not being home much when Juggler's around, and him likewise. This is not due to previous agreement, it's just the way it's worked out, and I'm glad. We've had the occasional run-in, which occurs in the form of a discussion with weird ambient emotions around it.
Today was a run-in of another kind. I came home late and hungry, and the kitchen is in pieces for cleaning. Normally this would be a sign for me to head over somewhere for the night, cause it's late and I'm tired and I don't want to go out and eat and come back again only to get in bed by midnight or something.
Tonight, though, I'd bought some really nice fresh pasta for supper, so instead of just leaving again I actually went in and asked him when he'd be done.
Well, I guess Juggler's moved to the 'anger' stage of grieving.
And instead of leaving, which I want so much to do, I need to stay here and wait for someone who's coming by to drop something off for me.
And instead of leaving it and respecting my retreat to the bedroom, he's knocking on the door and trying to get me to go out and help clean the kitchen while he's in there.
Now there are a lot of things I'm not proud of that I did in that relationship, but there are some things that I am proud of. One of those things is that it's been a long, long time since I yelled in a relationship, if ever I did, and I haven't said anything with that deliberately hurtful edge in a long time. I haven't crafted anything designed to cause pain and sent it on its way.
Even after passive-aggressive undercuts when I get home after nine, having missed dinner, when I'm ridiculously tired I don't do it. And to be honest, I have no desire to re-engage with Juggler on any sort of level right now. I don't want to pick anything up and carry it, not closeness and love and not anger and bickering. But I don't know what to do. I could just dismiss it as part of the baggage of the whole thing if I was able to leave, but I feel like I'm trapped in this room.
I really do not want to leave it and be drawn into a discussion of cleaning the kitchen full of snarky jabs-- I mean, dear gods, I'm only living here another week! --because I don't want to be drawn in. But it's clear he's angry and wants to engage, and I'm only so good at biting my tongue.
This terrible trapped feeling, with an angry presence I need to be quiet and unobtrusive around, reminds me so much of my childhood. Talk about recreating situations. Talk about creating situations that push your own buttons. I know I'm crazy around this stuff. I know I see ghosts in shadows, and sometimes even in full daylight when I'm not well. I know, too, that I don't know how to deal with this sort of situation when other people wouldn't have trouble. But, gah! I feel like I should breathe quietly even.
Okay, Bob is home with something for me to eat and to watch for the dropoff while I shower. And... to make me feel less alone and small and afraid in this situation. Ah, anger, I can't deal with you from any direction, but especially when you're directed towards me.
Devendra Banhart sings:
The little vine
It won't unwind
And it'll wrap your whole in time
Now let's have a glass of wine
Now let's have another glass of wine
This is the water
In which we wade
This is our father
And this is how he strayed
I've been very good about not being home much when Juggler's around, and him likewise. This is not due to previous agreement, it's just the way it's worked out, and I'm glad. We've had the occasional run-in, which occurs in the form of a discussion with weird ambient emotions around it.
Today was a run-in of another kind. I came home late and hungry, and the kitchen is in pieces for cleaning. Normally this would be a sign for me to head over somewhere for the night, cause it's late and I'm tired and I don't want to go out and eat and come back again only to get in bed by midnight or something.
Tonight, though, I'd bought some really nice fresh pasta for supper, so instead of just leaving again I actually went in and asked him when he'd be done.
Well, I guess Juggler's moved to the 'anger' stage of grieving.
And instead of leaving, which I want so much to do, I need to stay here and wait for someone who's coming by to drop something off for me.
And instead of leaving it and respecting my retreat to the bedroom, he's knocking on the door and trying to get me to go out and help clean the kitchen while he's in there.
Now there are a lot of things I'm not proud of that I did in that relationship, but there are some things that I am proud of. One of those things is that it's been a long, long time since I yelled in a relationship, if ever I did, and I haven't said anything with that deliberately hurtful edge in a long time. I haven't crafted anything designed to cause pain and sent it on its way.
Even after passive-aggressive undercuts when I get home after nine, having missed dinner, when I'm ridiculously tired I don't do it. And to be honest, I have no desire to re-engage with Juggler on any sort of level right now. I don't want to pick anything up and carry it, not closeness and love and not anger and bickering. But I don't know what to do. I could just dismiss it as part of the baggage of the whole thing if I was able to leave, but I feel like I'm trapped in this room.
I really do not want to leave it and be drawn into a discussion of cleaning the kitchen full of snarky jabs-- I mean, dear gods, I'm only living here another week! --because I don't want to be drawn in. But it's clear he's angry and wants to engage, and I'm only so good at biting my tongue.
This terrible trapped feeling, with an angry presence I need to be quiet and unobtrusive around, reminds me so much of my childhood. Talk about recreating situations. Talk about creating situations that push your own buttons. I know I'm crazy around this stuff. I know I see ghosts in shadows, and sometimes even in full daylight when I'm not well. I know, too, that I don't know how to deal with this sort of situation when other people wouldn't have trouble. But, gah! I feel like I should breathe quietly even.
Okay, Bob is home with something for me to eat and to watch for the dropoff while I shower. And... to make me feel less alone and small and afraid in this situation. Ah, anger, I can't deal with you from any direction, but especially when you're directed towards me.
Devendra Banhart sings:
The little vine
It won't unwind
And it'll wrap your whole in time
Now let's have a glass of wine
Now let's have another glass of wine
This is the water
In which we wade
This is our father
And this is how he strayed
