Face Your Sun
Nov. 10th, 2007 06:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormIt's six in the morning. I'm awake because it's my morning -- this is when I wake up so this is when I wake up. It's not quite dark. There's the tiniest glow to the edge of the sky right now, so really it's dark unless rapidly paling navy says daylight to you. It won't be long before we get what passes for daylight here, though: I'm sitting by a west window and even here the sky is lighter between sentences. There is no colour yet but the yellow streetlight picks out the last couple yellow leaves clinging to the big old maple outside and it sets off the sky perfectly.
So much for the sense of place.
I fell asleep last night early. This won't surprise anyone if I've woken automatically at six, I suppose, especially since I woke to climb out of bed. I've been sleeping very early as a rule because beyond nine or ten I have trouble keeping my eyes open. I've been working a lot. The whole sleep/eat/work cycle's a good one, but I'll be glad to do something else in December. Having a week or two to myself is an intriguing concept and I will pursue it when I'm able.
It's not that I don't have days off, mind. I have this weekend off, I took last Tuesday off to sit in Granville Island Market and talk with Army Nick for some large number of hours (ten to eight) and I had last Saturday off too. I am out there pretty much from first light to last light otherwise, though, and that does something to ya. It's not something bad, but it is something intense.
Thursday I was weeding in the rain in a city/high density residential garden and between the cold of the rain and the cold of the soil I had a hard time seeing. My breath would come out warm, hit the cold soil, and billow up as steam. All day this happened, and steam of course crawled up off me in little streamers, though I personally steamed more on Wednesday when I was doing bigger work and putting out more heat. Raking and sweeping more even than pickaxing step my heat output up. If I'm raking leaves I have to strip down to my bottom layer or the sweat drops out of my raingear (which is kinda beside the point of raingear). Luckily I haven't been working in heavy rain, but I guess you can't rake leaves in that sort of thing anyhow. That's more cutting and pruning weather.
I haven't really been cooking lately -- no energy for that plus seeing people, and I need people. I'm gonna roast a chicken this weekend and make some buckwheat cakes. I'm also gonna do *my* garden, I swear, I'm the only one in the neighborhood who hasn't tucked her garden in and I'm the one who does it for a living. I need to make up a pot of ratatouille and another of lentils for times like this one right now when I'm hungry but don't feel like cooking.
I've been thinking a lot lately. I feel powerful lately, like my hands are strong ones and I can entrust my life to them if I only decide what kind of life I want. I've been getting around, or under, some of the old needs and drives that used to control me and now I've got to another layer in the onion of my behaviour. I no longer feel the need to sleep with people who are interesting to thank them for paying attention to me or to keep them around. I no longer feel the need to sleep with everyone I'm attracted to, instead feeling a little dance of logistics and consequences and maybe-it's-nice-like-this in my head along with the pull. I've dropped out of some parts of the sex-is-my-schtick game altogether. It means I get fewer massages but feel more comfortable in my own skin.
My sexual orientation lately, to throw a term around lightly, seems to be subby boys. It's interesting cause I've never really felt more attraction to one group of people than another but now here it is. It's not that I feel the need to follow up, but the pull is definitely there reliably -- and it's not there reliably, or much, with anything else. This may be because the whole thing is still relatively new to me. I've only really met many in the last couple of months, only come to understand that there are people who are like this (instead of a couple of fluke individuals) and I'm avoiding kid-in-a-candy-shop syndrome pretty well. I can relax about it now. Yeah, there are people who turn me on just by existing and I can draw from that pool for dating purposes, I don't need to date everyone who turns my crank simple because I think there won't be another along again. And it's sort of like any other orientation, I guess -- if you like boys you can enjoy stuff even if you're not playing with the cock and still enjoy it, and if you like subby boys you can have sex without pulling in the kink and still have the person do it for ya.
The sky's crawled up into pale blue that doesn't give off much light. The streetlights no longer cast shadows. It's almost as full light as it's gonna get.
This was a good quiet time. It's good to sit with yourself when no one else is around, and it helps to think aloud to you with no interruptions. I wonder how I'll feel about this entry in a couple of years? So many of my old entries seem very naive to me, so lacking in the perspective that extremes of feeling aren't the end of the world, so blind to the forces that are actually driving me, and often so whiny (though the happy ones can often still make me smile). I try, now, to count my blessings before I complain, and I have a lot of blessings.
I should make sure I keep making more.
So much for the sense of place.
I fell asleep last night early. This won't surprise anyone if I've woken automatically at six, I suppose, especially since I woke to climb out of bed. I've been sleeping very early as a rule because beyond nine or ten I have trouble keeping my eyes open. I've been working a lot. The whole sleep/eat/work cycle's a good one, but I'll be glad to do something else in December. Having a week or two to myself is an intriguing concept and I will pursue it when I'm able.
It's not that I don't have days off, mind. I have this weekend off, I took last Tuesday off to sit in Granville Island Market and talk with Army Nick for some large number of hours (ten to eight) and I had last Saturday off too. I am out there pretty much from first light to last light otherwise, though, and that does something to ya. It's not something bad, but it is something intense.
Thursday I was weeding in the rain in a city/high density residential garden and between the cold of the rain and the cold of the soil I had a hard time seeing. My breath would come out warm, hit the cold soil, and billow up as steam. All day this happened, and steam of course crawled up off me in little streamers, though I personally steamed more on Wednesday when I was doing bigger work and putting out more heat. Raking and sweeping more even than pickaxing step my heat output up. If I'm raking leaves I have to strip down to my bottom layer or the sweat drops out of my raingear (which is kinda beside the point of raingear). Luckily I haven't been working in heavy rain, but I guess you can't rake leaves in that sort of thing anyhow. That's more cutting and pruning weather.
I haven't really been cooking lately -- no energy for that plus seeing people, and I need people. I'm gonna roast a chicken this weekend and make some buckwheat cakes. I'm also gonna do *my* garden, I swear, I'm the only one in the neighborhood who hasn't tucked her garden in and I'm the one who does it for a living. I need to make up a pot of ratatouille and another of lentils for times like this one right now when I'm hungry but don't feel like cooking.
I've been thinking a lot lately. I feel powerful lately, like my hands are strong ones and I can entrust my life to them if I only decide what kind of life I want. I've been getting around, or under, some of the old needs and drives that used to control me and now I've got to another layer in the onion of my behaviour. I no longer feel the need to sleep with people who are interesting to thank them for paying attention to me or to keep them around. I no longer feel the need to sleep with everyone I'm attracted to, instead feeling a little dance of logistics and consequences and maybe-it's-nice-like-this in my head along with the pull. I've dropped out of some parts of the sex-is-my-schtick game altogether. It means I get fewer massages but feel more comfortable in my own skin.
My sexual orientation lately, to throw a term around lightly, seems to be subby boys. It's interesting cause I've never really felt more attraction to one group of people than another but now here it is. It's not that I feel the need to follow up, but the pull is definitely there reliably -- and it's not there reliably, or much, with anything else. This may be because the whole thing is still relatively new to me. I've only really met many in the last couple of months, only come to understand that there are people who are like this (instead of a couple of fluke individuals) and I'm avoiding kid-in-a-candy-shop syndrome pretty well. I can relax about it now. Yeah, there are people who turn me on just by existing and I can draw from that pool for dating purposes, I don't need to date everyone who turns my crank simple because I think there won't be another along again. And it's sort of like any other orientation, I guess -- if you like boys you can enjoy stuff even if you're not playing with the cock and still enjoy it, and if you like subby boys you can have sex without pulling in the kink and still have the person do it for ya.
The sky's crawled up into pale blue that doesn't give off much light. The streetlights no longer cast shadows. It's almost as full light as it's gonna get.
This was a good quiet time. It's good to sit with yourself when no one else is around, and it helps to think aloud to you with no interruptions. I wonder how I'll feel about this entry in a couple of years? So many of my old entries seem very naive to me, so lacking in the perspective that extremes of feeling aren't the end of the world, so blind to the forces that are actually driving me, and often so whiny (though the happy ones can often still make me smile). I try, now, to count my blessings before I complain, and I have a lot of blessings.
I should make sure I keep making more.
