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greenstormLast night I woke up at this time and thought, 'my beautiful Granny rat Silver has a prolapsed uterus and it's her second birthday and she's pretty thin so I need to wait a little longer for my vet to open because I don't trust her with an emergency vet and I'm gonna be late for work and I'm worried'
Just now I woke up and thought 'I love Angus' (he was right there) and so I held him for a little bit, then I thought 'I've just put my paycheck through the wash in my jeans pocket' and got up and noticed that it was true. I went back to bed and the round of the rats sleeping reminded me that my beautiful Silly Silver ratty girl who is not with me anymore, partially because my vet is in Thailand and partially because of my own fucking mistake, and partially because I passed on a five-hundred-dollar surgery (I've never had good luck with a spaying at two years old, and this was emergency spaying, and I thought I'd rather she go while she was feeling a little more energetic rather than do the slow three-week decline that's happened in the past) which in turn reminded me that I've spent a hundred and fifty dollars of my rent money on vet bills this month and rent deadline is coming up pretty fast. Getting back to sleep is rough suddenly.
I feel pretty overwhelmed.
Between dealing with Silver's insides on the outside last night, my recent IUD insertion and before that the whole ball'o'wax around my 'missing' IUD earlier and the ovarian cyst and the hospital visit, I am SO DONE dealing with female reproductive organs right now. So done.
If I sleep now I can figure out what to do about rent in the morning. I just... can't sleep.
I miss Silver. I loved her so much. She was always there for me, no matter what (of course she was, I kept her in a cage!) and when I came home sad she'd always go crazy trying to lick me out of it. We'd been through a lot together. She waited at the door for Lightning when Lightning didn't come back, and now she's the one who's gone. We had a good run together, but it wasn't enough. It was not enough.
Just now I woke up and thought 'I love Angus' (he was right there) and so I held him for a little bit, then I thought 'I've just put my paycheck through the wash in my jeans pocket' and got up and noticed that it was true. I went back to bed and the round of the rats sleeping reminded me that my beautiful Silly Silver ratty girl who is not with me anymore, partially because my vet is in Thailand and partially because of my own fucking mistake, and partially because I passed on a five-hundred-dollar surgery (I've never had good luck with a spaying at two years old, and this was emergency spaying, and I thought I'd rather she go while she was feeling a little more energetic rather than do the slow three-week decline that's happened in the past) which in turn reminded me that I've spent a hundred and fifty dollars of my rent money on vet bills this month and rent deadline is coming up pretty fast. Getting back to sleep is rough suddenly.
I feel pretty overwhelmed.
Between dealing with Silver's insides on the outside last night, my recent IUD insertion and before that the whole ball'o'wax around my 'missing' IUD earlier and the ovarian cyst and the hospital visit, I am SO DONE dealing with female reproductive organs right now. So done.
If I sleep now I can figure out what to do about rent in the morning. I just... can't sleep.
I miss Silver. I loved her so much. She was always there for me, no matter what (of course she was, I kept her in a cage!) and when I came home sad she'd always go crazy trying to lick me out of it. We'd been through a lot together. She waited at the door for Lightning when Lightning didn't come back, and now she's the one who's gone. We had a good run together, but it wasn't enough. It was not enough.
