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Jul. 19th, 2008 08:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormI can't say it hasn't been a good month. I've been fighting sputters of depression/aggro/bitchiness, I've been burnt out a lot and just super busy the rest of the time, but what I've done has been good.
I am REALLY REALLY looking forward to getting my life back, though. I am looking forward to being social; going to one party every two weeks and calling that a social life just ain't no good, yannow? I am looking forward to having the time to accept people's invitations to places; to invite people over to my own house; to go to the beach, to just wander around downtown or the Drive or just sit on my porch. I haven't had that time.
I saw the midnight showing of the new Batman movie on Thursday, and so consequently yesterday I went to work, came home, and went to sleep before I so much as thought about dinner. Thus morning, therefore, I woke up at 6 and began housecleaning for the showing. There were more dishes in the sink than should have been. I'm not super pleased.
My house in general feels itchy and confining right now, mostly because it's in the middle of this process of change. I'd love to get some furniture for it (a proper rat table; a storage cupboard for the kitchen; some nice storage out here in the livingroom; more nice pots for the deck) and get rid of the worst of my current furniture. I can't do that until I know whether i will actually have a roommate or not-- it's a budgetary consideration -- and I can't get a roommate by going to a store, I have to go through the whole posting-emailing-showing process. It sets my teeth on edge, really.
I've been taking a lot of this out on Angus. Bad planning and no time leads to no sleep and eating irregularly; it also leads to paranoia and insecurity on my part. I feel pretty bad about this. I thought I had learnt to put a little interrupt in, where before I did something I asked myself, "will I mean this tomorrow, is this spiteful or mean or is there any point to saying this?" but either it seems to be failing pretty often or my watcher's gone a bit crazy too. Again, not a fan.
It doesn't help that I'm lonely. The thing I have with Angus is friendly and comfortable and loving, and I would be content with it of course, but it's still on the table as "until one of us finds something better". We're both holding up pretty high bars because we really like what we've got (no false modesty in my journal), but he just isn't in love with me, and however much that disappoints me I can at least understand. I -have- been on the other side of that one, seeing someone who is wonderful and a good fit and fun and friendly and compatible but who just doesn't turn that crank in the back of my brain, doesn't make me think 'this is the one'. And in those situations I've ended it on the premise that a quick break is less painful, but also because I've had other prospects to go on to.
I am starting to think about kids a little (mom had me when she was 30, and went on to have my four brothers over the next 8 years) and stability is attractive to me. I've learned that I can make my own stability in some ways but that always-precious idea of someone who will always be around is becoming even more precious. I've been turning the ideas of monogamy, of swinging, of poly, of casual-dating in my head and come to no conclusions. I still feel inclined to remain mostly-monogamous to Angus, again in part because it's a sure thing got easily (what's not to like about that? Good sex, good cuddling, good conversation, playfulness, STD-safe to within very strict tolerances, he cooks, and all to be had for a phone call and the same in return) but the "mostly" is important to keep myself independent enough emotionally. It really is hard lately to find many people I like enough to go to the trouble of having the talk with, of assessing their emotional stuff (are they too clingy? Are they a jerk? Will this hurt them in some obscure way) and then to make the time for some getting-to-know-you seduction-type activities.
It'll come. For now I'm lonely though, sometimes when I'm nestled into the crook of Angus' arm, sometimes when I'm on the bus home after a long days' work, usually when something really interesting happens that I want to automatically share with someone. I imagine having time to socialise with friends will help too.
And I do think, sometimes, about whether there is something wrong with me. It's not that I haven't dated 'the marrying type' longterm-- it's just that, whether I get there first or after the fact, they always end up getting married to someone -else-. Not that marriage is necessarily my goal, but it does seem like the commitment just never ends up with me.
Well, that's not always true. I've been on the other side of that one sometimes. Sense of proportion, Greenie- very important.
For all that, we've had beautiful days and even lovelier nights this summer-- did you see the moon Thursday night? T'was magic. My plants are growing well even if I skip watering them too often, my rats are happy and bouncy, and work goes well. Only my room is a mess in my house, and I haver a chandelier above the table that really sparkles when it's turned on. My family loves me, I have awesome friends, and TODAY I GET TO GO NURSERYING WITH ELLEN AND PIOTR BOTH.
I keep meeting cool people, and soon I'll have the time to hang around with them. There's a party Saturday night where many will be in evidence. The Mission folk Music Festival is coming up. There I'll get to see Rowan, Kynnin's baby, a whole lot-- and Angus will be there. Those both are very important to me.
So, I mean, really, it's alright. And it will be better soon.
I am REALLY REALLY looking forward to getting my life back, though. I am looking forward to being social; going to one party every two weeks and calling that a social life just ain't no good, yannow? I am looking forward to having the time to accept people's invitations to places; to invite people over to my own house; to go to the beach, to just wander around downtown or the Drive or just sit on my porch. I haven't had that time.
I saw the midnight showing of the new Batman movie on Thursday, and so consequently yesterday I went to work, came home, and went to sleep before I so much as thought about dinner. Thus morning, therefore, I woke up at 6 and began housecleaning for the showing. There were more dishes in the sink than should have been. I'm not super pleased.
My house in general feels itchy and confining right now, mostly because it's in the middle of this process of change. I'd love to get some furniture for it (a proper rat table; a storage cupboard for the kitchen; some nice storage out here in the livingroom; more nice pots for the deck) and get rid of the worst of my current furniture. I can't do that until I know whether i will actually have a roommate or not-- it's a budgetary consideration -- and I can't get a roommate by going to a store, I have to go through the whole posting-emailing-showing process. It sets my teeth on edge, really.
I've been taking a lot of this out on Angus. Bad planning and no time leads to no sleep and eating irregularly; it also leads to paranoia and insecurity on my part. I feel pretty bad about this. I thought I had learnt to put a little interrupt in, where before I did something I asked myself, "will I mean this tomorrow, is this spiteful or mean or is there any point to saying this?" but either it seems to be failing pretty often or my watcher's gone a bit crazy too. Again, not a fan.
It doesn't help that I'm lonely. The thing I have with Angus is friendly and comfortable and loving, and I would be content with it of course, but it's still on the table as "until one of us finds something better". We're both holding up pretty high bars because we really like what we've got (no false modesty in my journal), but he just isn't in love with me, and however much that disappoints me I can at least understand. I -have- been on the other side of that one, seeing someone who is wonderful and a good fit and fun and friendly and compatible but who just doesn't turn that crank in the back of my brain, doesn't make me think 'this is the one'. And in those situations I've ended it on the premise that a quick break is less painful, but also because I've had other prospects to go on to.
I am starting to think about kids a little (mom had me when she was 30, and went on to have my four brothers over the next 8 years) and stability is attractive to me. I've learned that I can make my own stability in some ways but that always-precious idea of someone who will always be around is becoming even more precious. I've been turning the ideas of monogamy, of swinging, of poly, of casual-dating in my head and come to no conclusions. I still feel inclined to remain mostly-monogamous to Angus, again in part because it's a sure thing got easily (what's not to like about that? Good sex, good cuddling, good conversation, playfulness, STD-safe to within very strict tolerances, he cooks, and all to be had for a phone call and the same in return) but the "mostly" is important to keep myself independent enough emotionally. It really is hard lately to find many people I like enough to go to the trouble of having the talk with, of assessing their emotional stuff (are they too clingy? Are they a jerk? Will this hurt them in some obscure way) and then to make the time for some getting-to-know-you seduction-type activities.
It'll come. For now I'm lonely though, sometimes when I'm nestled into the crook of Angus' arm, sometimes when I'm on the bus home after a long days' work, usually when something really interesting happens that I want to automatically share with someone. I imagine having time to socialise with friends will help too.
And I do think, sometimes, about whether there is something wrong with me. It's not that I haven't dated 'the marrying type' longterm-- it's just that, whether I get there first or after the fact, they always end up getting married to someone -else-. Not that marriage is necessarily my goal, but it does seem like the commitment just never ends up with me.
Well, that's not always true. I've been on the other side of that one sometimes. Sense of proportion, Greenie- very important.
For all that, we've had beautiful days and even lovelier nights this summer-- did you see the moon Thursday night? T'was magic. My plants are growing well even if I skip watering them too often, my rats are happy and bouncy, and work goes well. Only my room is a mess in my house, and I haver a chandelier above the table that really sparkles when it's turned on. My family loves me, I have awesome friends, and TODAY I GET TO GO NURSERYING WITH ELLEN AND PIOTR BOTH.
I keep meeting cool people, and soon I'll have the time to hang around with them. There's a party Saturday night where many will be in evidence. The Mission folk Music Festival is coming up. There I'll get to see Rowan, Kynnin's baby, a whole lot-- and Angus will be there. Those both are very important to me.
So, I mean, really, it's alright. And it will be better soon.
