Joy and Fear
Dec. 21st, 2003 09:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormThey seem to go hand in hand for me, so often. What brings me the most joy, what I care about most, is also where the most fear is. There is fear of betrayal, where I let my defenses down and the joy can come in coupled with whatever anyone else wants to give me. There is fear simply of the joy's absence, of being left with memories that can never again in my life be matched -- although no memory can be matched, and lift continues to be new and wonderful always, I do know that.
And so right now, I am afraid. I see a cycle forming in my life and I don't like it, I don't want it -- and it's the cycle of joy and then fear, repeated over and over again. I don't want this. That means, I suppose, that I need to do something about it.
Bah! Well, let's see if I can get it added to the calendar, then. :> It's a stretch, I know it's going to be a stretch, running the business, running the finances and keeping the house, plus keeping the three relationships going. I've been letting the latter slip a bit. My halfhearted try at stalling that wasn't met with resounding approval, so it's time to really dig in and get what I need done in that regard. They're too important for me to let this slide into obscurity, as it so often does.
Yesterday was the Day of a Date With Juggler, which after a couple of hours of my reacting to him as if he were a stranger went beautifully. It had been so long, and not so much in time (maybe it was long, timewise?) but also in things that had happened to me, that I didn't know him anymore. That happened to me with the SO, back when I only saw him on weekends -- I can't keep that closeness or familiarity for so long without something to bolster it. I'd resolved to call him more, to meet him for lunch sometimes, to try and help with that. I haven't tried to do that yet -- I can complain about being busy, or I can simply say I haven't done it, whichever. But I need to try that more.
I am, I suppose, also afraid of being in the way, of being rejected. I'm afraid that ...bah. That's enough of that. We'll see.
And in the meantime, I get to do Stuff. I do Christmas shopping today for the few people I buy for, and go to some and possibly all of Esty's solstice party tonight, which means I need a potluck item (soup? big cauldronfull?). Then I sleep, Monday, if I can (I can't right now, I should be in bed with the Juggler) and Monday and Tuesday night do VanDusen. Tuesday my brother comes over to do beef jerky in my oven. :) Wednesday I have a date with TOW, which I badly, badly need, and Wednesday night is my dinner with the SO's mom and that part of the family for Christmas stuff. Thursday, Christmas, should be nice. I think some of the group have it planned, but I need to talk to them about that because I don't actually know what those plans are.
Then I have a day off. ;)
I want to try to get some roleplaying in somewhere, there. I miss it. I want to try and get together with TOW and the Juggler and spend some nights, maybe even with all four of us when the SO's not working. I need a couple of hours of time to myself, but those aren't so hard to get -- I've found a good cafe around here, so I have someplace to go and hide if I need to.
Hm. Take care. :)
And so right now, I am afraid. I see a cycle forming in my life and I don't like it, I don't want it -- and it's the cycle of joy and then fear, repeated over and over again. I don't want this. That means, I suppose, that I need to do something about it.
Bah! Well, let's see if I can get it added to the calendar, then. :> It's a stretch, I know it's going to be a stretch, running the business, running the finances and keeping the house, plus keeping the three relationships going. I've been letting the latter slip a bit. My halfhearted try at stalling that wasn't met with resounding approval, so it's time to really dig in and get what I need done in that regard. They're too important for me to let this slide into obscurity, as it so often does.
Yesterday was the Day of a Date With Juggler, which after a couple of hours of my reacting to him as if he were a stranger went beautifully. It had been so long, and not so much in time (maybe it was long, timewise?) but also in things that had happened to me, that I didn't know him anymore. That happened to me with the SO, back when I only saw him on weekends -- I can't keep that closeness or familiarity for so long without something to bolster it. I'd resolved to call him more, to meet him for lunch sometimes, to try and help with that. I haven't tried to do that yet -- I can complain about being busy, or I can simply say I haven't done it, whichever. But I need to try that more.
I am, I suppose, also afraid of being in the way, of being rejected. I'm afraid that ...bah. That's enough of that. We'll see.
And in the meantime, I get to do Stuff. I do Christmas shopping today for the few people I buy for, and go to some and possibly all of Esty's solstice party tonight, which means I need a potluck item (soup? big cauldronfull?). Then I sleep, Monday, if I can (I can't right now, I should be in bed with the Juggler) and Monday and Tuesday night do VanDusen. Tuesday my brother comes over to do beef jerky in my oven. :) Wednesday I have a date with TOW, which I badly, badly need, and Wednesday night is my dinner with the SO's mom and that part of the family for Christmas stuff. Thursday, Christmas, should be nice. I think some of the group have it planned, but I need to talk to them about that because I don't actually know what those plans are.
Then I have a day off. ;)
I want to try to get some roleplaying in somewhere, there. I miss it. I want to try and get together with TOW and the Juggler and spend some nights, maybe even with all four of us when the SO's not working. I need a couple of hours of time to myself, but those aren't so hard to get -- I've found a good cafe around here, so I have someplace to go and hide if I need to.
Hm. Take care. :)
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no subject
Date: 2003-12-22 12:10 am (UTC)Is my Fear based in a realistic expectation? (I fear X will leave me b/c X is talking about it and acting diffrently, etc)
Or is it just a Fear, based in the past, and the lessons learned there? (I fear loss of X's affections b/c how can X love someone like me, etc)
I try to acknowledge my Fears from the past, and that they do affect me presently, but they do not have to determine my current and future behaviour...(Of course X can love me, I am worthy of that, no matter what anyone else has told me..etc)
Rambling on, but with hugs as always ;)
Estry.