Splat

[greenstorm]

Yesterday was my worst day for crazy and broken in a long time. I don't really want to talk about it, but for record-keeping purposes I'll note: there were three seperate points spread throughout the day where I lost my language. Twice my field of experience was limited to overwhelming emotional pain. There were triggers but the tendency towards that was definitely pre-existing, when I woke up yesterday morning and in fact the morning before that the dread and isolation were intense. In the evening food and being firmly, lovingly held for a very long time helped clear things up some but it was a long time before I could go outside. I feel mostly better today. The feeling was not directed at any particular person. Yesterday and the day before were my heavy bleed days, I am not implying causation just noting the correlation.

The beginnings of that pressure where I begin to know I need to cry but can't started awhile ago but were barely perceptible at first.

I seem to have an unlimited capacity and maybe need to be held.

Needing people breaks me into tiny pieces and crushes them into dust.