greenstorm | Home is wherever I'm with you (Reply)

Okay. Here we are, home and safe.

This was Sickle weekend. I brought

kindelingboy. It's funny to think I've been going long enough to be bringing people of my own instead of being that new girl brought by Angus.

I am so incredibly glad I went, glad I brought the Writer, and glad to be back home.

I always feel powerful and protected at Sickle, or something to that effect. I don't break into pieces like I do at SMF. This weekend my role was comforter, and I was deeply engaged with people as a human- through snuggling, through sex, through talking, through touch. I hadn't realised just how disconnected I'd become with my schedule beating me down: I hadn't been having much sex, I was getting very little physical contact, and in the last couple weeks I basically hadn't communicated anything at all even to the people closest to me.

Some of this is because I'd been terribly busy. Some of it is because I'd been afraid to move on an issue-- namely, the issue of what's going on between Angus and I.

This is the first time I'd been in a situation more than a couple of hours long with both Angus and the Writer present. I got to make all those fun attention decisions, and in reality the whole thing went very smoothly. The Writer enjoyed himself, I enjoyed myself and spent a lot of time being mindful about not worrying about things, and as always Angus gathered his personal power and presence about himself and shone like a beacon.

When we came home, Angus and I had the talk we've been putting off for possibly even months now. It was a clarifying talk with no plan or solution, but it helped immensely. He's not sure he can be with a poly person. I'm poly and I value a lot of the things that drive and inform that choice, too much to change them much. We love each other an incredible amount, and have both been pretty miserable with each other on and off. If we'd been anyone else we would have left, but-- there's something. That's where things stand. It's good to have it aired out. We feel comfortable being loving towards each other now, just taking what we have until whatever happens next happens. I look forward to coming home to him. There's no dread hanging in the air.

The Writer, a self-professed religion nerd, enjoyed the weekend and also got something out of it. I'm glad of that. I had felt a little bit strange inviting him, but in some sense it was also a test of sorts, or a screening process: I wanted to know whether it would be purely academic for him or if it would resonate with his, er, spiritual leanings, I suppose. I'm not saying I was trying to convert him -- I am not converted myself -- but I was trying to learn if he could find real meaning there. He did. I am glad. Before Angus I never considered a partner's spiritual inclination as a mark of their fitness as a partner, but now I find it an awfully nice thing to have mesh even a little.

For myself, I was whole and protected, as I said. I was not reborn nor broken into pieces, but instead delved around and under some blocks and cast aside some of the limits I'd been imposing on myself. I tend to feel that I deserve success and happiness in one area only at the expense of it in other areas, and that's not the way the world works. Sometimes you get happiness and success whether you deserve it or not. Other times, oftentimes, you can create those things for yourself regardless of what else you're doing.

I'm glad of this lesson. I feel stronger. I need to speak my truth more often, and I will.

I also got hugged by a million people I've wanted to be hugged by for awhile, some particular ones many times. I could live at these festivals all my life and never be through hugging some of these people-- there just aren't enough hours in the day. My body is less jangly, and nnow at peace, although it hurts like crazy from sitting in the car that long and I'm also so exhausted I can't focus my eyes.

I am dead tired or I'd write more. Be well.