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greenstormIt isn't even almost a little bit near time to come out yet, Greenie. You have maybe four or five weeks to a brief respite and still almost two years till you're done-- more if you decide to stay a little longer. You cannot afford any bit of weakness right now. You cannot afford any bit of softness towards yourself, and little enough towards others.
It's not time.
You can't rely on being smart in this. You can't rely on the endurance you've found in yourself up to this point. Each day is a new contest and any victory in your past is just that-- it's over, it's only served to bring you to another day where you haven't yet proven yourself. A handful of failures is the end of all of this.
Emotional turmoil is no excuse. Nothing is an excuse. You do this because you've started it; you finish it and you get through it. You've broken up with your friends group; twitter is like reading a fresh ex's happy relationship updates tonight. It doesn't matter. It's past, that fact hurts, move on. You have a midterm tomorrow and a quiz the next day and a bunch of homework for the day after that.
Deal.
You cannot let down your guard in this. You can't feel safe; you can't feel like you have enough time. That's when the accumulated traumas come out and you have to cope with them. You can cope with them after you graduate, or maybe in the summer, but you cannot do it now.
And you cannot afford to get this attached to people. In the past you've had the luxury of wanting things from people who were emotionally unavailable. That luxury is gone. Take what they will give you but you do not have the excess energy to delve. If someone opens to you that person is a treasure but you can't go hunting after the other ones.
You will be on starvation rations for sex and love and physical contact for a long time. It makes it worse when you go off those and glut for a little bit; you starve all over again when everything dries up. You will learn willpower on this and soon; I don't care how precious these things are to you, or how much they feel like the core of your humanity, you can't have them now and not for awhile.
Goddammit, woman, shed your skin. You used to be so fucking good at it.
It's not time.
You can't rely on being smart in this. You can't rely on the endurance you've found in yourself up to this point. Each day is a new contest and any victory in your past is just that-- it's over, it's only served to bring you to another day where you haven't yet proven yourself. A handful of failures is the end of all of this.
Emotional turmoil is no excuse. Nothing is an excuse. You do this because you've started it; you finish it and you get through it. You've broken up with your friends group; twitter is like reading a fresh ex's happy relationship updates tonight. It doesn't matter. It's past, that fact hurts, move on. You have a midterm tomorrow and a quiz the next day and a bunch of homework for the day after that.
Deal.
You cannot let down your guard in this. You can't feel safe; you can't feel like you have enough time. That's when the accumulated traumas come out and you have to cope with them. You can cope with them after you graduate, or maybe in the summer, but you cannot do it now.
And you cannot afford to get this attached to people. In the past you've had the luxury of wanting things from people who were emotionally unavailable. That luxury is gone. Take what they will give you but you do not have the excess energy to delve. If someone opens to you that person is a treasure but you can't go hunting after the other ones.
You will be on starvation rations for sex and love and physical contact for a long time. It makes it worse when you go off those and glut for a little bit; you starve all over again when everything dries up. You will learn willpower on this and soon; I don't care how precious these things are to you, or how much they feel like the core of your humanity, you can't have them now and not for awhile.
Goddammit, woman, shed your skin. You used to be so fucking good at it.
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Similarities
Date: 2010-11-17 12:18 am (UTC)Much love and deep Gassho,
Joshua