greenstorm | Unlearning/Relearning

There are a whole bunch of habits that need changing now.

Some of them flow freely from my new-found autonomy; I am relearning how to clean a thing up when I notice it is dirty, for instance, or to do a little more housework than the mess I made since last time, or to contact people when I am sad/lonely/looking for a partner in crime.

Other habits have been deeper ingrained. I am having trouble talking freely about my partners to each other, not because they're not curious or enthusiastic, but because I have an automatic don't-cause-harm response. Of course, it shouldn't cause harm for me to speak of them to each other. I have difficulty showing weakness; it's been almost impossible for me to cry with anyone around, and the neutral face I assume in company has fingers that go deep into my awareness of my own feelings.

I'm finding it easy to cook for myself now. Who knew, after so many years of it being hard? Who knew, after so much time thinking that I only liked cooking for someone else? I make myself lovely food. I've been bringing nice things to eat to work.

I'm going to sleep on time, when I'm home early. Two nights now I've slept early enough to wake for the night watch at 1 or 2, and have a little private space with myself before I finish sleeping.

So I'm mostly doing well.