Unlearning/Relearning

[greenstorm]

There are a whole bunch of habits that need changing now.

Some of them flow freely from my new-found autonomy; I am relearning how to clean a thing up when I notice it is dirty, for instance, or to do a little more housework than the mess I made since last time, or to contact people when I am sad/lonely/looking for a partner in crime.

Other habits have been deeper ingrained. I am having trouble talking freely about my partners to each other, not because they're not curious or enthusiastic, but because I have an automatic don't-cause-harm response. Of course, it shouldn't cause harm for me to speak of them to each other. I have difficulty showing weakness; it's been almost impossible for me to cry with anyone around, and the neutral face I assume in company has fingers that go deep into my awareness of my own feelings.

I'm finding it easy to cook for myself now. Who knew, after so many years of it being hard? Who knew, after so much time thinking that I only liked cooking for someone else? I make myself lovely food. I've been bringing nice things to eat to work.

I'm going to sleep on time, when I'm home early. Two nights now I've slept early enough to wake for the night watch at 1 or 2, and have a little private space with myself before I finish sleeping.

So I'm mostly doing well.

Comments

[donnaidh-sidhe.livejournal.com]

> but because I have an automatic don't-cause-harm response

Yep, this too.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

It's the worst.

[donnaidh-sidhe.livejournal.com]

And then at some point you are on the receiving end, and all you could think of is, "Why didn't you tell me when it was still just a molehill?"

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

For the partner thing, I actively *like* to hear about them

[donnaidh-sidhe.livejournal.com]

I used to have problems hearing about other partners because of a combination of generally poor self-image plus various unsupportive/neglectful/actively abusive partners, including a long-term partner who grotesquely overshared the details of relationships with others and and then heavily shamed me when I expressed the need for less sharing. It culminated in my requesting an almost "don't ask, don't tell" policy when the Captain and I first started dating.

Two and a half years later, I'm feeling very little need to have that kind of restriction in place, especially as I find it hinders our abilities to be fully supportive and emotionally connected partners with each other. But the aversion came by very honestly, and I'm actually really relieved that I'm not utterly broken on the inside, and that a secure setting and relationship result in me feeling able to communicate about such things.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

See, my very first brush with kinda-poly involved secrecy/denial of the emotional connection that was going on, because nothing physical was happening. I felt so left out of their happiness. Now I like to be in the loop so I get the byblow.

Damn lack of one-size-fits-all solutions ;)