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greenstormIt is making a significant difference to my life to use the lens "is this so hard for normal people?"
Most of my life has been the opposite: I connect on points of similarity, and I dig for them, and whether it's that something is hard or joyful or whatever that is how I align myself. Overlying my root-deep feeling that I'm the only one of my species is this collage of moments where I have some kind of similarities with other folks.
Now I'm letting myself notice the opposite: when I'm the only one in the room struggling or the only one struggling so very hard.
When I'm at a (thankfully online) workshop about diversity, inclusion, and conflict and I'm sitting there hugging my knees and crying and everyone else is giving thumbs ups? When I'm losing tremendous productivity at work because I need to muscle through my PDA around lunch breaks having to be from 12:10 to 12:50 and not being able to move them ten minutes in one direction or the other on any given day to accommodate shifts in workflow or appointments or whatnot? When I lose an evening because the person in the next cubicle at work wore perfume? When I'm short vacation time because I have to use it to deal with loved ones' surgeries, and other folks get special leave because they're married? When I can't easily and freely mention what I did on the weekend because I'm trying to decide whether to out multiple partners?
When I can't talk about a breakup to anyone who's remotely knows what to say or has had a similar experience?
When I have to go looking for similarities in a room and prep it with shared experiences before I can feel free mentioning anything else about my life at all?
When someone reaches out to offer help or even to listen and it leaves me crying because I want it but don't trust that what I say will be believed or taken with care and respect?
In a room of a hundred people, these things mostly don't apply to folks. If I want a room of folks where I'm not completely an outlier I need to make the room; I'll still be an outlier but I may be more comfortable speaking up.
I don't know how to be a good listener to myself about this. After a few moments of compassion I slip into wanting to fix it. I need to do both, and I need others around me who do both.
Sometimes, legitimately, I am the one not getting what I need of many who are.
Most of my life has been the opposite: I connect on points of similarity, and I dig for them, and whether it's that something is hard or joyful or whatever that is how I align myself. Overlying my root-deep feeling that I'm the only one of my species is this collage of moments where I have some kind of similarities with other folks.
Now I'm letting myself notice the opposite: when I'm the only one in the room struggling or the only one struggling so very hard.
When I'm at a (thankfully online) workshop about diversity, inclusion, and conflict and I'm sitting there hugging my knees and crying and everyone else is giving thumbs ups? When I'm losing tremendous productivity at work because I need to muscle through my PDA around lunch breaks having to be from 12:10 to 12:50 and not being able to move them ten minutes in one direction or the other on any given day to accommodate shifts in workflow or appointments or whatnot? When I lose an evening because the person in the next cubicle at work wore perfume? When I'm short vacation time because I have to use it to deal with loved ones' surgeries, and other folks get special leave because they're married? When I can't easily and freely mention what I did on the weekend because I'm trying to decide whether to out multiple partners?
When I can't talk about a breakup to anyone who's remotely knows what to say or has had a similar experience?
When I have to go looking for similarities in a room and prep it with shared experiences before I can feel free mentioning anything else about my life at all?
When someone reaches out to offer help or even to listen and it leaves me crying because I want it but don't trust that what I say will be believed or taken with care and respect?
In a room of a hundred people, these things mostly don't apply to folks. If I want a room of folks where I'm not completely an outlier I need to make the room; I'll still be an outlier but I may be more comfortable speaking up.
I don't know how to be a good listener to myself about this. After a few moments of compassion I slip into wanting to fix it. I need to do both, and I need others around me who do both.
Sometimes, legitimately, I am the one not getting what I need of many who are.
