And Even a Freer Agent?
Jun. 9th, 2003 01:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormAnd here's the thing, too. Watching the Juggler and the Other Woman has been keeping me feeling a little odd. There's a lot of the 'permanent' and 'committed' stuff in that relationship that I've thought I was seeking and it makes me feel a distinct sense of loss that I don't have it. I don't feel bad that they do; I just feel as if here's something very beautiful and I'm missing out on it.
Neither the Exotic nor the SO and I have that kind of trust and surety in each other. I'm not sure we ever can. I don't know, granted -- we certainly haven't had enough time to figure it out. I don't have it now, though, and I'm definitely feeling that lately.
This isn't to say that I don't get a lot out of my relationships or that they aren't important. I'm not even really sure what it is to say. Maybe it's just to state this feeling of loss and to get it out there where it's acknowledged and so I feel better about it. Loss is something I can deal with, after all.
It's interesting that it is a feeling of loss as opposed to, say, feeling envious or left out or even something missing. It doesn't feel like there's anyone or anything missing in my life so much as a space, a hole, where something's not there. That's probably partially caused by the family stuff, but who knows?
I'm also doing this swinging between homes thing, I suppose. There's no one single solid anchor to which I can attach myself, which is probably what this is all about when it comes right down to it. There's security, and then there's stability, and what I'm lacking is halfway in between. Predictability?
Bah.
I definitely feel both included and cared-for, here. I believe wholly and completely in the goodwill of these people. What I don't believe in is the situational goodwill, that something won't come up and make it impossible for their goodwill to mean much. I always do end up getting what I need, I should learn to trust more. Otherwise I just make it hard on myself worrying when I could be enjoying what I've got. Once in awhile, though, it's so hard...
I think a nap might be in order. Relax, finish my book, that sort of thing. Practice connecting so I can do it more quickly and the flux won't bother me.
Then, I'll keep you posted about the garden. Be well.
Neither the Exotic nor the SO and I have that kind of trust and surety in each other. I'm not sure we ever can. I don't know, granted -- we certainly haven't had enough time to figure it out. I don't have it now, though, and I'm definitely feeling that lately.
This isn't to say that I don't get a lot out of my relationships or that they aren't important. I'm not even really sure what it is to say. Maybe it's just to state this feeling of loss and to get it out there where it's acknowledged and so I feel better about it. Loss is something I can deal with, after all.
It's interesting that it is a feeling of loss as opposed to, say, feeling envious or left out or even something missing. It doesn't feel like there's anyone or anything missing in my life so much as a space, a hole, where something's not there. That's probably partially caused by the family stuff, but who knows?
I'm also doing this swinging between homes thing, I suppose. There's no one single solid anchor to which I can attach myself, which is probably what this is all about when it comes right down to it. There's security, and then there's stability, and what I'm lacking is halfway in between. Predictability?
Bah.
I definitely feel both included and cared-for, here. I believe wholly and completely in the goodwill of these people. What I don't believe in is the situational goodwill, that something won't come up and make it impossible for their goodwill to mean much. I always do end up getting what I need, I should learn to trust more. Otherwise I just make it hard on myself worrying when I could be enjoying what I've got. Once in awhile, though, it's so hard...
I think a nap might be in order. Relax, finish my book, that sort of thing. Practice connecting so I can do it more quickly and the flux won't bother me.
Then, I'll keep you posted about the garden. Be well.
