It's actually ok
Apr. 6th, 2020 08:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormSometimes life is really, really hard. But sometimes I find love and softness where I never expected it and life feels weightless for awhile.
I'd been close to functionally monogamous for awhile when I started up this most recent thing. I'd invited some folks up this spring in anticipation of Tucker being mostly-away for a couple months: I'd needed to start reintegrating into humans after my honeymoon with Threshold and my change in work hours. Coronavirus got all Tucker's stuff cancelled, including his going to see his people. He decided in there he needed to move away from this little town. And I still had my people, and turns out one who came up turned into a Thing.
On top of that, Tucker had been the one driving time apart in this relationship. He's away from this town at least one full week per month plus another month or so of travel in there, and I'd always worried about how it would feel if I were to start driving that time apart too. He has abandonment triggers. I find it hard to hold boundaries when they make someone I love sad.
So last week when Avi came up I was pretty worried. I've had so many partners be awful to me around my poly stuff: basically around them not being in control of who I see or when. I had, nor have, any intention of granting that kind of power to anyone again. Tucker and I are pretty much on the same page about wanting that in the relationship, but.
Our triggers interacted pretty bad with each other during the week. I also lost a litter of piglets, which was pretty hard. Objectively none of the interpersonal was that bad, but at the time it didn't feel great. But a bunch of pretty hopeful stuff happened at the end of the trip: he held some good boundaries and offered affection, and then we got together and had a truly wonderful discussion where we listened to each other and loved each other and it didn't have that edge of spite or hurt that I'd come to expect over the last fifteen years of relationshipping.
I came out of it feeling like I was in a relationship of equals, where when one of us slipped the other would hold fast and vice versa in a hard situation. And I felt loved, like my listening with empathy wouldn't be punished with snide asides but instead welcomed. It's pretty great, to be honest. And now I can employ my love language of "getting better with each iteration" which makes me super happy.
So there we go. It wasn't a dramatic emotionfest with a reconciliation, it was two people holding space and love for each other.
I feel pretty lucky these days.
I'd been close to functionally monogamous for awhile when I started up this most recent thing. I'd invited some folks up this spring in anticipation of Tucker being mostly-away for a couple months: I'd needed to start reintegrating into humans after my honeymoon with Threshold and my change in work hours. Coronavirus got all Tucker's stuff cancelled, including his going to see his people. He decided in there he needed to move away from this little town. And I still had my people, and turns out one who came up turned into a Thing.
On top of that, Tucker had been the one driving time apart in this relationship. He's away from this town at least one full week per month plus another month or so of travel in there, and I'd always worried about how it would feel if I were to start driving that time apart too. He has abandonment triggers. I find it hard to hold boundaries when they make someone I love sad.
So last week when Avi came up I was pretty worried. I've had so many partners be awful to me around my poly stuff: basically around them not being in control of who I see or when. I had, nor have, any intention of granting that kind of power to anyone again. Tucker and I are pretty much on the same page about wanting that in the relationship, but.
Our triggers interacted pretty bad with each other during the week. I also lost a litter of piglets, which was pretty hard. Objectively none of the interpersonal was that bad, but at the time it didn't feel great. But a bunch of pretty hopeful stuff happened at the end of the trip: he held some good boundaries and offered affection, and then we got together and had a truly wonderful discussion where we listened to each other and loved each other and it didn't have that edge of spite or hurt that I'd come to expect over the last fifteen years of relationshipping.
I came out of it feeling like I was in a relationship of equals, where when one of us slipped the other would hold fast and vice versa in a hard situation. And I felt loved, like my listening with empathy wouldn't be punished with snide asides but instead welcomed. It's pretty great, to be honest. And now I can employ my love language of "getting better with each iteration" which makes me super happy.
So there we go. It wasn't a dramatic emotionfest with a reconciliation, it was two people holding space and love for each other.
I feel pretty lucky these days.
