Greenstorm's Journal

My mind is coming back.

It's time again.

The Love Song of the Square Root of Minus One (i)

I am the wind and the wind is invisible, all the leaves tremble but I am invisible, blackbird over the dark field but I am invisible, what fills the balloon and what it moves through, knot without rope, bloom without flower, galloping without the horse, the spirit of the thing without the thing, location without dimension, without a within, song without throat, word without ink, wingless flight, dark boat in the dark night, shine without light, pure velocity, as the hammer is a hammer when it hits the nail and the nail is a nail when it meets the wood and the invisible table begins to appear out of mind, pure mind, out of nothing, pure thinking, hand of the mind, hand of the emperor, arm of the empire, void and vessel, sheath and shear, and wider, and deeper, more vast, more sure, through silence, through darkness, a vector, a violence, and even farther, and even worse, between, before, behind, and under, and even stronger, and even further, beyond form, beyond number, I labor, I lumber, I fumble forward through the valley as winter, as water, a shift in the river, I mist and frost, flexible and elastic to the task, a fountain of gravity, space curves around me, I thirst, I hunger, I spark, I burn, force and field, force and counterforce, agent and agency, push to your pull, parabola of will, massless mass and formless form, dreamless dream and nameless name, intent and rapturous, rare and inevitable, I am the thing that is hurtling towards you...

The Love Song of the Square Root of Minus One (ii)

I am the hand that lifts the rock, I am the eye that sees the worm, I am the mind that strings the worm and throws the line and feels the tug, the flex in the pole, the key in the lock, as the root breaks rock, as sunlight streams across the plain to make the world visible again, foot by foot, I find the groove, the trace in the thicket, seed to flower to fruit to seed, a holy pilgrim moving through the stations of the yardstick, I track, I follow, a flashlight, a crowbar, I find the fulcrum, I hinge and turn, a simple machine, frictionless and efficient as an equal sign, I manifest, votive and incandescent, shrinking the space between here and there I become the future, as drowsiness overcomes the dreamer, as the eye of the archer is the eye of the target, I flip and fold, I superimpose, the letter delivered, the year decembered, I become location, plum pit and apple core, I am motionless and you veer towards me, the eye to which you are relative, single point, silent witness, there to your here, I decide and calibrate, magnetized for your revelation, the doors burst open, I am your outcome, the verb in the sentence, intransitive, end of the road, hook and bait, polestar and checkmate, time and space as I observe them serve me like gravity, lamp to your moth, dot to your map, home and heart and hearth, a selfishness, submit, surrender, I am your arrival, there is no refusal, we are here, you see, together, we are already here...

Richard Siken

It's time again. It's time for this poem which is The Poem and for poetry in general.

It's time to build my life again.

There's a video that goes around every so often of Eartha Kitt speaking to an invisible interviewer. "Can anyone live with Eartha Kitt?" he asks, and she says "that's not for me to decide. That's for someone who decides to live with me to decide."

He prods further: "if a man came into your life wouldn't you want to compromise?"

"Stupid. You must think about that one again." she pauses. "For what? For what?! A relationship is a relationship that has to be earned! Not to compromise for. [...] I fall in love with myself, and I want someone to share it with me. I want someone to share me, with me."

I'm searching for community in these fragments of people who understand.

We don't leave a lot of room for acceptance of self, for inevitability of self, in this world. There's such a strong narrative that if some part of yourself inconveniences folks, or yourself, you just change it. That is the part of you that's "holding you back."

I'm not trying to knock learning and trying new strategies and new means of expression and growth as a person. It doesn't take long for that mindset to become damage though. Changing yourself at the behest of other people instead of seeking a niche that fits better, it needs lots of careful self-examination to make sure you're not losing your self into what people want you to be. It requires a firm grasp on the self.

We do not teach, celebrate, or tolerate a firm grasp on the self for most of the huge diversity of folks out there.

Regardless of societal context I tend to have a pretty good grasp on myself and it's been wavering lately. I've been fighting my battles too much alone, I think. The way in is always similar: I want other people to feel comfortable, so I take up a little less space. Just witnessing me can be so uncomfortable, it seems. The antidote is time with people who actively enjoy me, who want to share me, with me-- and who in turn want to share them-actual-selves with me.

I get pedestalized easily. I overwhelm people easily. The remaining folks need to be nurtured in my life.

I haven't been making that a priority and I need to. I can't let my heart bleed this one away.

So: one way that I demonstrate my priorities is by devoting time to them. Another way is by devoting thought/writing to them.

Let's try that.