"Self-Compassion"
Jun. 22nd, 2021 03:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormTalked to the trauma counselor I got through the work line today. Every counseling thing through the work line is very goal-focused. We're supposed to set our goals. There's the usual stuff about how to ground out of distress.
Thing is, I think there's a more intellectual/philosophical issue going on. I think I'm bumping up against "lacks understanding". Somewhere in the big pause and deep breath of the pandemic I changed. I've always valued kindness. It was one of my favourite things about Kynnin, way back in the beginning of me being able to see and value things in other people. Kindness can be short-term, like softness or gentleness or support in the moment, or it can be long-term like building a secure structure or tearing down a harmful one. In all cases its driven by a feeling of well-wishing, of warmth, of caring, or of love.
I don't always practice kindness. Like everyone, I have wounds and fears that drive me away from it in self-protection sometimes. Like everyone, I thought, it's still an aspiration.
And so for my life I've viewed people as an enormous patterned chaos of striving. If everyone felt safe and supported, I thought, they'd be kind to others; it's their wounds and to some degree the lack of kindness shown to them that drive folks to harm others as they claw their way towards their own security. Through their clawing they may harm others and perpetuate the cycle but it's incidental and thy are all trying to do better. Generally if I can lend folks a real sense of being safe and accepted they will relax into kindness.
I like that worldview, I think it's largely accurate, and... I miss it. I'm not yet sure what's taken its place.
I don't really believe in personal exceptionalism. I don't believe that I am uniquely positioned to see things that others can't; I don't believe I have feelings that others don't.
And between those things I really struggle to see where folks are turning their energy, where they are able to know and understand that beings outside their singular individual selves exist, where they are able to connect with generosity and empathy and understanding the experiences of another. I need to see people doing that in order to believe that humans are ok.
Trying to write this out, it doesn't make sense and I'm exhausted.
Today I started picking sweet cicily seeds, which I candy in sugar syrup and then dehydrate and they are my favourite candy. I need to also pick chive flowers to go in vinegar.
It's supposed to get up to 32C this weekend, I'm not sure what the record high is for this area but I haven't seen that temperature in quite awhile. That used to be the lower end of my comfort zone, it's amazing how northernized I've become. Maye I'll put some more green beans in the ground and see what comes of them. Maybe I'll drive to a beach on one of the lakes and put my feet in the water.
I just took a long weekend and I was so happy. I'm so happy here, on the property, in the garden and with the animals. I'm so happy without people.
Something in me is resisting going back so hard. I can hear the gears grinding and shearing. I need to break this self down and rebuild in order to go back but I'm not sure I can break down a self in whom I am so happy.
If I were talking to a friend who explained this whole thing to me I'd tell them to disconnect fully. I'd say, don't go back.
I'm pretty sure not going back isn't an achievable trauma goal.
Thing is, I think there's a more intellectual/philosophical issue going on. I think I'm bumping up against "lacks understanding". Somewhere in the big pause and deep breath of the pandemic I changed. I've always valued kindness. It was one of my favourite things about Kynnin, way back in the beginning of me being able to see and value things in other people. Kindness can be short-term, like softness or gentleness or support in the moment, or it can be long-term like building a secure structure or tearing down a harmful one. In all cases its driven by a feeling of well-wishing, of warmth, of caring, or of love.
I don't always practice kindness. Like everyone, I have wounds and fears that drive me away from it in self-protection sometimes. Like everyone, I thought, it's still an aspiration.
And so for my life I've viewed people as an enormous patterned chaos of striving. If everyone felt safe and supported, I thought, they'd be kind to others; it's their wounds and to some degree the lack of kindness shown to them that drive folks to harm others as they claw their way towards their own security. Through their clawing they may harm others and perpetuate the cycle but it's incidental and thy are all trying to do better. Generally if I can lend folks a real sense of being safe and accepted they will relax into kindness.
I like that worldview, I think it's largely accurate, and... I miss it. I'm not yet sure what's taken its place.
I don't really believe in personal exceptionalism. I don't believe that I am uniquely positioned to see things that others can't; I don't believe I have feelings that others don't.
And between those things I really struggle to see where folks are turning their energy, where they are able to know and understand that beings outside their singular individual selves exist, where they are able to connect with generosity and empathy and understanding the experiences of another. I need to see people doing that in order to believe that humans are ok.
Trying to write this out, it doesn't make sense and I'm exhausted.
Today I started picking sweet cicily seeds, which I candy in sugar syrup and then dehydrate and they are my favourite candy. I need to also pick chive flowers to go in vinegar.
It's supposed to get up to 32C this weekend, I'm not sure what the record high is for this area but I haven't seen that temperature in quite awhile. That used to be the lower end of my comfort zone, it's amazing how northernized I've become. Maye I'll put some more green beans in the ground and see what comes of them. Maybe I'll drive to a beach on one of the lakes and put my feet in the water.
I just took a long weekend and I was so happy. I'm so happy here, on the property, in the garden and with the animals. I'm so happy without people.
Something in me is resisting going back so hard. I can hear the gears grinding and shearing. I need to break this self down and rebuild in order to go back but I'm not sure I can break down a self in whom I am so happy.
If I were talking to a friend who explained this whole thing to me I'd tell them to disconnect fully. I'd say, don't go back.
I'm pretty sure not going back isn't an achievable trauma goal.
