The daily breakup: resentment

[greenstorm]

Goodness. It's such a rollercoaster: up and down and up and down. I don't write it down because I believe in any one narrative, or feel at any time like I have the answer. I write it down because I need it out of my head, and I need to see it from the outside. I need to be able to revisit it later on; like they say about childbirth my brain is so good at disappearing the pain of a breakup.

Argh. I'm upset about being too upset to have sex with Josh while he's here. I'm upset that Tucker was so not-upset about having sex with Sarah when they were there that the level of marking caused metamour issues. I'm upset that the dynamic around active exploration and marking that Tucker and I used to have has been left by the wayside; I've upset that I've remained somewhat experimental and it hasn't been returned. I'm upset that he doesn't enjoy being bitten or hurt anymore and that apparently he's happy to do that to other folks but really isn't with me. I'm upset that my options for sex up here are basically Tucker, once Josh is gone. I'm upset that Tucker isn't like...

...fuck it, gonna go cut meat.

And back from meat, and less resentful. I know I'm healing when I don't have patience for myself anymore.