Relationship Patterning
Sep. 1st, 2021 08:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormWhen we're actively together, it's good
When I give explicit instructions, it's good (for awhile?)
When we have a scheduled conversation where I explicitly ask in advance for empathy and structure the conversation, it's good
When we travel together it's good
When we hang out in the evening and share dinner after chores it's good
Relationship discussion via messenger seems to work best
Email works for important communications until it does not
When I give him a script for something (make me tea when I'm upset) it's pretty good, though sometimes takes awhile to kick in
Morning brunch together is very nice
Sex has tended to be good
Logistics around dropping barriers while having other partners is not good
When we have a scheduled conversation where I don't structure the conversation, it's not great [Edit to add: relationship conversation]
When he goes away for a long period of time to Events, it's not great. Routine Vancouver stuff was fine
When we fall out of routine it's not great
When something needs to be handled by thinking it through ahead of time it's pretty bad
When I expect him to be proactive on something new it's bad
When I ask for a commitment to something it's often not great (except for showing up to an in-person thing)
When we make plans to do something out of the house that doesn't involve buying tickets or a hotel room we don't tend to do it
When I rely on him as the go-to person for emotional/high stakes situations in my life I'm setting myself up to fail
When I structure my life around shared routine it's great much of the time and truly terrible roughly 15-20% of the time
When something else is taking up his attention and energy it goes badly
When he is starting up a new relationship and I have even clearly stated expectations of him it goes badly
If I was going to go no-contact for awhile, when we were both healed we'd resume contact and slowly build and back off contact to a comfortable level. It would be tentative. Declining a part of the new connection wouldn't have the same meaning as removing it from an established dynamic. Invisible parts of the structure would not remain lurking like tripwires.
If I don't go no-contact I need to be very intentional about this. I may not be able to manage it at all-- if I don't do a good enough job maintaining my boundaries then anger will come in and do the job for me. Given the number of years I've been waiting for Tucker to come to me with his half of the "what is this relationship anyhow" discussion I can't wait for a collaborative discussion. So, what do I want out of this, given which parts work and which parts don't?
Seems like I need 1) other folks with whom I communicate regularly and 2) chunks of time where I'm not communicating with him. Sounds like most of our interaction should be either in person or during pre-agreed discussions where we know what we want out of it.
Do I want to arrange chunks of time together with high focus and very sparse communication in between?
If so, what size chunks and with what regularity? It's going to be so tempting to go back to seeing each other twice a week, but that will only lead to another set of breakup posts during his next Event. It's too much enmeshment then being dropped for me.
I need to remember that I'll miss him no matter what. The guiding principle can't be to not miss him. It has to be feeling supported, loved, together when we're together, without giant interruptions to my quality of life.
Gonna chew on this one today.
When I give explicit instructions, it's good (for awhile?)
When we have a scheduled conversation where I explicitly ask in advance for empathy and structure the conversation, it's good
When we travel together it's good
When we hang out in the evening and share dinner after chores it's good
Relationship discussion via messenger seems to work best
Email works for important communications until it does not
When I give him a script for something (make me tea when I'm upset) it's pretty good, though sometimes takes awhile to kick in
Morning brunch together is very nice
Sex has tended to be good
Logistics around dropping barriers while having other partners is not good
When we have a scheduled conversation where I don't structure the conversation, it's not great [Edit to add: relationship conversation]
When he goes away for a long period of time to Events, it's not great. Routine Vancouver stuff was fine
When we fall out of routine it's not great
When something needs to be handled by thinking it through ahead of time it's pretty bad
When I expect him to be proactive on something new it's bad
When I ask for a commitment to something it's often not great (except for showing up to an in-person thing)
When we make plans to do something out of the house that doesn't involve buying tickets or a hotel room we don't tend to do it
When I rely on him as the go-to person for emotional/high stakes situations in my life I'm setting myself up to fail
When I structure my life around shared routine it's great much of the time and truly terrible roughly 15-20% of the time
When something else is taking up his attention and energy it goes badly
When he is starting up a new relationship and I have even clearly stated expectations of him it goes badly
If I was going to go no-contact for awhile, when we were both healed we'd resume contact and slowly build and back off contact to a comfortable level. It would be tentative. Declining a part of the new connection wouldn't have the same meaning as removing it from an established dynamic. Invisible parts of the structure would not remain lurking like tripwires.
If I don't go no-contact I need to be very intentional about this. I may not be able to manage it at all-- if I don't do a good enough job maintaining my boundaries then anger will come in and do the job for me. Given the number of years I've been waiting for Tucker to come to me with his half of the "what is this relationship anyhow" discussion I can't wait for a collaborative discussion. So, what do I want out of this, given which parts work and which parts don't?
Seems like I need 1) other folks with whom I communicate regularly and 2) chunks of time where I'm not communicating with him. Sounds like most of our interaction should be either in person or during pre-agreed discussions where we know what we want out of it.
Do I want to arrange chunks of time together with high focus and very sparse communication in between?
If so, what size chunks and with what regularity? It's going to be so tempting to go back to seeing each other twice a week, but that will only lead to another set of breakup posts during his next Event. It's too much enmeshment then being dropped for me.
I need to remember that I'll miss him no matter what. The guiding principle can't be to not miss him. It has to be feeling supported, loved, together when we're together, without giant interruptions to my quality of life.
Gonna chew on this one today.
