Do what feeds you
Sep. 2nd, 2021 02:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormCounseling yesterday, with some epiphanies:
What I call the daily stuff, or routine stuff, that I do with Tucker: that's co-regulation. And his ability to do routine is the external influence I need to be able to keep to a routine, to regulate in that way. This is why the farm is good for me: it's an external imposition of routine (that my PDA doesn't kick at).
When Tucker goes away, because of the way he wants to be away-away, my regulation/routine mechanisms are removed. I rely on them pretty heavily.
When my routine mechanisms are removed I can develop new/internal ones but it takes, call it a week or two. Basically my previous methods/routines are removed from my inner landscape by then. I start to feel ok on my own, without the previous shared routines.
Then Tucker comes back and I want to include him in my routines again but it's hella disruptive because now I need to get rid of my newly-evolved routines and co-create some with him again so it's another disruption.
If I put my routines "on hold" until he gets back, I am waiting... and waiting is bad for my mental health. If we're supposed to talk while he's gone, the way I handle time means that I don't get into anything that might be intense for a couple hours before we talk, so I can 100% for sure not stand him up. That's... an entire evening. If we don't talk, I don't get my talking about my day/hearing about his day thing in, which is important to my regulation/processing/sense of companionship.
This makes sense, and it's a relief to begin to understand the mechanisms at work here.
Anyhow, today I went to the bush alone and hung out measuring small trees and listening to a podcast on sour beer on my phone. It was sunny and warm-but-not-too-warm and I got a bunch of work done (though it turns out maybe the work didn't need to be done?). I got a picture of the little hills in the Inzana I had lunch on the other day, from a different little hill. I will do similar work tomorrow. It was really nice, and I snagged the little Chevy Colorado from work through pure good fortune so I didn't have to drive the enormous and annoying 2021 F250 with a front grille taller than I am. I do not enjoy the big trucks.
Last night I hung out with Tucker sorta spontaneously and that was really nice too. It was a connecty thing, not a relationship figuring-out thing, and if we're going to figure anything out we need that connection. I was reminded that the good part is when we're together in person. I was in town and just stopped by to pick stuff up and ended up staying the night, which meant when I stopped by home in the morning to get work stuff I'd left the porch door open overnight and the heat on and it was very cold and likely also very expensive.
Oh well. I had put the pork primals in the fridge at least.
Today will be a little butchering, a little picking tomatoes, and potentially receiving some vanilla. I joined a group called the vanilla bean co-op on facebook, which is what it says on the cover. I can get vanilla for roughly $11/oz US, and they have a bunch of different kinds. I've been getting a little of different ones and have found the Ugandan are DEFINITELY the best -- like brownie batter. Very fun. Now I need to figure out how to extract the flavour into mead.
I'm also giving some thought to taking a truckload of meat down to the city and selling it to my friends. The logistics of travelling 12-15 hours with a bunch of frozen meat seem a little steep, but less steep than meeting folks piecemeal from surrounding towns to sell them ducks. Plus I know my city friends would appreciate them. I'd feel a little better connected and I'd get some money back and empty some freezers. I'd primarily thought to sell ducks but people are very intrigued by my dark red pork. I'm considering taking a pig to the... well, you can get it slaughtered on farm and bring it in to the abattoir and they'll butcher it and that's a little more legal than me home butchering and distributing. I don't think the butchers will know how to handle the fatty pork though.
While I'm talking about borderline-to-very-illegal meat processing, I smoked my first lardo (cured pork backfat) the other day. It's traditionally eaten thinly sliced on toast, basically in place of butter or cream cheese. This one is rosemary and bay leaf scented too. Home curing is completely beyond the pale for sales, but it seems like a pretty good way to handle the backfat on these older sows.
I suspect I didn't mention that Black Chunk had her babies two weeks ago, Penny did about five days ago, and Hooligan (daughter of Rapunzel, I just put Rapunzel into the freezer) did about three days ago. Chunk had three that I found, she made her nest in a slightly odd spot. Penny had at least 5, but at least 2 got crushed because she had insufficient bedding and it was a cold night. Once I loaded her up with bedding she shacked up with black Chunk to co-parent; both have 2 males and 3 females. Hooligan nested where I wanted her to, far from everyone, and she's got three males and two females. I don't know if I'm up for castrating that many myself, my willpower is not where it should be, so I may try and take them into the vet. I should call the vet. All the piglets are great and frolicking and happy looking.
Anyhow, a day in the field has definitely been good for me. I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
What I call the daily stuff, or routine stuff, that I do with Tucker: that's co-regulation. And his ability to do routine is the external influence I need to be able to keep to a routine, to regulate in that way. This is why the farm is good for me: it's an external imposition of routine (that my PDA doesn't kick at).
When Tucker goes away, because of the way he wants to be away-away, my regulation/routine mechanisms are removed. I rely on them pretty heavily.
When my routine mechanisms are removed I can develop new/internal ones but it takes, call it a week or two. Basically my previous methods/routines are removed from my inner landscape by then. I start to feel ok on my own, without the previous shared routines.
Then Tucker comes back and I want to include him in my routines again but it's hella disruptive because now I need to get rid of my newly-evolved routines and co-create some with him again so it's another disruption.
If I put my routines "on hold" until he gets back, I am waiting... and waiting is bad for my mental health. If we're supposed to talk while he's gone, the way I handle time means that I don't get into anything that might be intense for a couple hours before we talk, so I can 100% for sure not stand him up. That's... an entire evening. If we don't talk, I don't get my talking about my day/hearing about his day thing in, which is important to my regulation/processing/sense of companionship.
This makes sense, and it's a relief to begin to understand the mechanisms at work here.
Anyhow, today I went to the bush alone and hung out measuring small trees and listening to a podcast on sour beer on my phone. It was sunny and warm-but-not-too-warm and I got a bunch of work done (though it turns out maybe the work didn't need to be done?). I got a picture of the little hills in the Inzana I had lunch on the other day, from a different little hill. I will do similar work tomorrow. It was really nice, and I snagged the little Chevy Colorado from work through pure good fortune so I didn't have to drive the enormous and annoying 2021 F250 with a front grille taller than I am. I do not enjoy the big trucks.
Last night I hung out with Tucker sorta spontaneously and that was really nice too. It was a connecty thing, not a relationship figuring-out thing, and if we're going to figure anything out we need that connection. I was reminded that the good part is when we're together in person. I was in town and just stopped by to pick stuff up and ended up staying the night, which meant when I stopped by home in the morning to get work stuff I'd left the porch door open overnight and the heat on and it was very cold and likely also very expensive.
Oh well. I had put the pork primals in the fridge at least.
Today will be a little butchering, a little picking tomatoes, and potentially receiving some vanilla. I joined a group called the vanilla bean co-op on facebook, which is what it says on the cover. I can get vanilla for roughly $11/oz US, and they have a bunch of different kinds. I've been getting a little of different ones and have found the Ugandan are DEFINITELY the best -- like brownie batter. Very fun. Now I need to figure out how to extract the flavour into mead.
I'm also giving some thought to taking a truckload of meat down to the city and selling it to my friends. The logistics of travelling 12-15 hours with a bunch of frozen meat seem a little steep, but less steep than meeting folks piecemeal from surrounding towns to sell them ducks. Plus I know my city friends would appreciate them. I'd feel a little better connected and I'd get some money back and empty some freezers. I'd primarily thought to sell ducks but people are very intrigued by my dark red pork. I'm considering taking a pig to the... well, you can get it slaughtered on farm and bring it in to the abattoir and they'll butcher it and that's a little more legal than me home butchering and distributing. I don't think the butchers will know how to handle the fatty pork though.
While I'm talking about borderline-to-very-illegal meat processing, I smoked my first lardo (cured pork backfat) the other day. It's traditionally eaten thinly sliced on toast, basically in place of butter or cream cheese. This one is rosemary and bay leaf scented too. Home curing is completely beyond the pale for sales, but it seems like a pretty good way to handle the backfat on these older sows.
I suspect I didn't mention that Black Chunk had her babies two weeks ago, Penny did about five days ago, and Hooligan (daughter of Rapunzel, I just put Rapunzel into the freezer) did about three days ago. Chunk had three that I found, she made her nest in a slightly odd spot. Penny had at least 5, but at least 2 got crushed because she had insufficient bedding and it was a cold night. Once I loaded her up with bedding she shacked up with black Chunk to co-parent; both have 2 males and 3 females. Hooligan nested where I wanted her to, far from everyone, and she's got three males and two females. I don't know if I'm up for castrating that many myself, my willpower is not where it should be, so I may try and take them into the vet. I should call the vet. All the piglets are great and frolicking and happy looking.
Anyhow, a day in the field has definitely been good for me. I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
