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greenstormMy grass is growing so well this year. In the far back it's up to my chin, if not higher in some places. This is much better than last year. A good year for grass, a good year for biomass on my fields, a good playplace for the pigs.
Avallu was joyful in the tall grass: he jumped through it like a fish popping up out of a lake over and over, then lay down and rolled, then got up and did it again. When I went into the garden later he positioned himself so he could watch both me and mom.
Mom apologized. That meant she must have noticed how upset I was. When I came back down from writing she came up and said she was sorry, sincerely. I feel better about that, and more certain in my choice of coming up here to write instead of crying or yelling or who knows what down there if I tried to push through. I'm glad she saw me well enough to know it was needed.
I have a word for my mind-storms now. Meltdowns. It's neither the most elegant nor the most semantically accurate, but knowing that it's a thing really helps me to think about, understand, and handle when my mind goes to that place. This is a normal autistic thing and there are ways to handle it. It's still true that sometimes the only way out is through, but it's also true that I feel less guilty about them and more able to avoid the worst of them when I have any control over my environment. I also have more of a sense of perspective. Self-knowledge is always important for me and this is a big chunk of self-knowledge.
Tomorrow I both get a medical thing done finally...
...and I get to see Tucker, which will be most welcome, whatever else happens.
I had a day in the field today, I climbed a rock outcropping in the wind over fallen logs and looked down over a lake in a cauldron of spruce and dead pine.
And finally, gaspe is tasselling. It's about the same height it was the last two years when it tasselled, so that's interesting. It seems to be pretty uniform in starting to send up the tassels. I'm so glad. But also it'll probably be done way before the other corns. I'm glad I planted that second bed to try and pollinate for my crosses. Maybe I should plant another round in pots, just in case? But anyhow, gaspe is my corn and it might produce seed another year. This is always a miracle.
Avallu was joyful in the tall grass: he jumped through it like a fish popping up out of a lake over and over, then lay down and rolled, then got up and did it again. When I went into the garden later he positioned himself so he could watch both me and mom.
Mom apologized. That meant she must have noticed how upset I was. When I came back down from writing she came up and said she was sorry, sincerely. I feel better about that, and more certain in my choice of coming up here to write instead of crying or yelling or who knows what down there if I tried to push through. I'm glad she saw me well enough to know it was needed.
I have a word for my mind-storms now. Meltdowns. It's neither the most elegant nor the most semantically accurate, but knowing that it's a thing really helps me to think about, understand, and handle when my mind goes to that place. This is a normal autistic thing and there are ways to handle it. It's still true that sometimes the only way out is through, but it's also true that I feel less guilty about them and more able to avoid the worst of them when I have any control over my environment. I also have more of a sense of perspective. Self-knowledge is always important for me and this is a big chunk of self-knowledge.
Tomorrow I both get a medical thing done finally...
...and I get to see Tucker, which will be most welcome, whatever else happens.
I had a day in the field today, I climbed a rock outcropping in the wind over fallen logs and looked down over a lake in a cauldron of spruce and dead pine.
And finally, gaspe is tasselling. It's about the same height it was the last two years when it tasselled, so that's interesting. It seems to be pretty uniform in starting to send up the tassels. I'm so glad. But also it'll probably be done way before the other corns. I'm glad I planted that second bed to try and pollinate for my crosses. Maybe I should plant another round in pots, just in case? But anyhow, gaspe is my corn and it might produce seed another year. This is always a miracle.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-25 01:55 am (UTC)I'm not sure I could trust a person in my space after that otherwise.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-25 04:30 am (UTC)So the question then becomes, do I leave my town to visit mom (and then have to deal with farmsitting and taking limited vacation from work), do I have her up here, or do I not see her anymore? I choose to have her up here. I don't trust her in my space (though trusting her goodwill helps a great deal) but I do my best to learn from each visit and make it a little better each time.
In this case it was my own communication error, which I figured out after she left: the place she cut was in fact under a patch of aspens, so it included aspen suckers as well as the evergreens she cut, and it's beside a patch of lawn I'd asked if she could cut the aspen suckers out of at the very beginning of her visit. She must have interpreted "cut the aspen suckers (in the grass) beside the house" (I honestly can't remember if I mentioned the lawn or not) to mean "cut the aspen suckers and associated undergrowth and lower branches out of the aspens along the property line on the far side of the lawn from the side of the house".
It wasn't random, it was just typical communication between the two of us, maybe. So I learned previously to have a list of things for her to do when she comes up; now I know to have a map with labelled areas to go with that list (which is a great thing to have anyhow, honestly).
But there will doubtless be another miscommunication, and another after that.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-30 01:44 am (UTC)