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Jul. 29th, 2004 09:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormWell, yesterday I got out of the house. I didn't make it to the fireworks, I only made it as far as Kynnin's, where I got some hugs. I really needed that. I still do, but it's late and no one's here right now.
Today I got to work, and tomorrow I work as well. That'll break the cycle of sitting in my room staring at my wall and alternately being furious, hurt, and just sad. Well, it'll break the cycle of me sitting there, at least.
It's still hard. I'm waiting for it to clear up, and it hasn't yet. I'm still fighting the urge to call him and 1) try to argue with him or 2) give in and do whatever he wants (not that he told me what he wanted) or 3) check to make sure we actually communicated right (you *honestly* came to me and said: this is what we'll try in our relationship, I don't think it'll work but I don't feel like doing anything else?) or even 4) have him say I was dreaming it all.
I don't know how long this hardest part is supposed to last. It's already lasted longer than I expected it to. I want it to go away. I hate second-guessing myself all the time (is it unreasonable to be in a relationship that neither party wants to be in? or is it unreasonable to ask someone to be in a relationship that you yourself don't want to be in. is there some sort of betrayal involved here?) and most of all I hate the regret that hangs so heavily over me.
If he had said, I want to end this relationship, x and y aren't working for me -- that would be very sad, but it would be something.
Instead he said, I want to keep the relationship going, but the only terms I'm willing to agree to don't work for me, and I can't have a relationship under them.
I mean, what else can you say to that but no?
And so again I'm the one who says: okay, then this has to end, or scale back, or whatever. You know, there's only one person in my life who had the courage to come up and say that to my face, this has to end? Everyone else seems to keep setting up scenarios where I have to say it, pushing harder and harder, until I do -- and then they go, "yeah, I guess it's about time".
Here's some news to no one: it's easier to just say it.
Bah. I want to call him. I want everything to be okay. It's still hard for me to believe it. It's hard for me to place the blame squarely where it belongs: on the person who came to me and said these are the rules I'll date you by, but I can't date you that way and I won't negotiate them rather than the person who gave him the rules in the first place. I know that this directly is not her fault, because he said as much: he wouldn't even try to negotiate any changes to them with her. So she didn't get a chance to refuse, even.
But man, where else can all this go? To have someone say to me that I'm not even worth trying to negotiate, that hurts. To have someone say that who's been saying 'I love you' to me for nearly a year now? That's betrayal. It is.
Or maybe I shouldn't have believed him. Maybe I should have realised that he had a very limited amount of effort he was willing to put into this, and someday it would just be too much. Even now what do I say when he says he misses me? I mean...
...so the resolution is that when I can keep it casual, I'll talk to him about doing something like that. If he decides he can commit to me a little more than, 'eh, I don't feel like discussing what you want, it's too much trouble' then he'll talk to me about something like that. And I think that's the best, in some ways, because I don't want him out of my life. If he is out of my life forever, I will regret that. And yet... this means I can't just drop it. I can't think about other things, because I'm stupid and I don't learn and I'll keep hoping. I notice that my hope for people lasts about two years, so I'll get by it eventually.
So, yeah. None of that means much, none of it's much to say, but there it is. In a year I may look back and read this -- I never read my old posts, I just can't, but someday -- and my journal will chronicle the relationship nearly from beginning to end. I've been doing this for about that long. I'm not strong enough to go back and read about the joy of the relationship's beginning, though.
It's all I can do to bear remembering the mornings in his livingroom, lying together and talking all night until the sunrise started to cast pearl-grey light through those octagonal windows, and we'd snuggle to sleep. Everything would be quiet except for us, and then eventually we'd just drop off with all those words bridging us together.
It was so beautiful.
Today I got to work, and tomorrow I work as well. That'll break the cycle of sitting in my room staring at my wall and alternately being furious, hurt, and just sad. Well, it'll break the cycle of me sitting there, at least.
It's still hard. I'm waiting for it to clear up, and it hasn't yet. I'm still fighting the urge to call him and 1) try to argue with him or 2) give in and do whatever he wants (not that he told me what he wanted) or 3) check to make sure we actually communicated right (you *honestly* came to me and said: this is what we'll try in our relationship, I don't think it'll work but I don't feel like doing anything else?) or even 4) have him say I was dreaming it all.
I don't know how long this hardest part is supposed to last. It's already lasted longer than I expected it to. I want it to go away. I hate second-guessing myself all the time (is it unreasonable to be in a relationship that neither party wants to be in? or is it unreasonable to ask someone to be in a relationship that you yourself don't want to be in. is there some sort of betrayal involved here?) and most of all I hate the regret that hangs so heavily over me.
If he had said, I want to end this relationship, x and y aren't working for me -- that would be very sad, but it would be something.
Instead he said, I want to keep the relationship going, but the only terms I'm willing to agree to don't work for me, and I can't have a relationship under them.
I mean, what else can you say to that but no?
And so again I'm the one who says: okay, then this has to end, or scale back, or whatever. You know, there's only one person in my life who had the courage to come up and say that to my face, this has to end? Everyone else seems to keep setting up scenarios where I have to say it, pushing harder and harder, until I do -- and then they go, "yeah, I guess it's about time".
Here's some news to no one: it's easier to just say it.
Bah. I want to call him. I want everything to be okay. It's still hard for me to believe it. It's hard for me to place the blame squarely where it belongs: on the person who came to me and said these are the rules I'll date you by, but I can't date you that way and I won't negotiate them rather than the person who gave him the rules in the first place. I know that this directly is not her fault, because he said as much: he wouldn't even try to negotiate any changes to them with her. So she didn't get a chance to refuse, even.
But man, where else can all this go? To have someone say to me that I'm not even worth trying to negotiate, that hurts. To have someone say that who's been saying 'I love you' to me for nearly a year now? That's betrayal. It is.
Or maybe I shouldn't have believed him. Maybe I should have realised that he had a very limited amount of effort he was willing to put into this, and someday it would just be too much. Even now what do I say when he says he misses me? I mean...
...so the resolution is that when I can keep it casual, I'll talk to him about doing something like that. If he decides he can commit to me a little more than, 'eh, I don't feel like discussing what you want, it's too much trouble' then he'll talk to me about something like that. And I think that's the best, in some ways, because I don't want him out of my life. If he is out of my life forever, I will regret that. And yet... this means I can't just drop it. I can't think about other things, because I'm stupid and I don't learn and I'll keep hoping. I notice that my hope for people lasts about two years, so I'll get by it eventually.
So, yeah. None of that means much, none of it's much to say, but there it is. In a year I may look back and read this -- I never read my old posts, I just can't, but someday -- and my journal will chronicle the relationship nearly from beginning to end. I've been doing this for about that long. I'm not strong enough to go back and read about the joy of the relationship's beginning, though.
It's all I can do to bear remembering the mornings in his livingroom, lying together and talking all night until the sunrise started to cast pearl-grey light through those octagonal windows, and we'd snuggle to sleep. Everything would be quiet except for us, and then eventually we'd just drop off with all those words bridging us together.
It was so beautiful.
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no subject
Date: 2004-07-30 07:05 am (UTC)You've got virtual hugs over here, which I know aren't as good as real ones. I think you know if we were in the same area that you'd have some real ones too.
I've done my best to be pretty straight with you, so I think you know where you stand with me. You don't have to agree with me to be cared about. If you come to the end of your life without agreeing with me on the one most important thing, we're both going to regret it, because of where not accepting will take you. But the decision rests with you and not with me. My part's just to say it. And you know what I say and do is motivated to the best of my ability by friendship.
I'll take a risk, and state something. It sounds like, only able to judge from what you write, that you've already decided an end will come, and you're just hanging on till you're able to handle letting go. I don't think I should presume to dig any further than that unless you asked me to personally. That's open to you if you need it. You've got my email and stuff.
So, at any rate, you've got a friend who's listening. You already knew that I hope.