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greenstormLotta darker posts here lately.
I'm stuck in or near the bad part of my cycle, due to some medication stuff. This means I'll interpret stuff more poorly, feel worse in general, and have significantly less energy to address issues (as well as having some contributory stuff like body pain).
I've lost my interest and enthusiasm for figuring out how to communicate with people. Whether this is somewhat related to the cycle thing, whether it's part of the burnout and just lack of ability to handle the cognitive load, whether it's my PDA pushing back on just how required it is in the world to mask, whether it's slivers left over from the relationship with Tucker where communication was actively counterproductive, could be anything. But I'm just not interested anymore, which means communication is an uncomfortable slog up an enormous wall of work.
My ratio of humaning-for-pleasure and humaning-for-work is skewed.
I have a lot of responsibility at the farm. Animals are mostly locked up, I have a ton of pigs, it means more carrying more stuff to more locations, plus more auxiliary stuff like going to the next town over to buy food, etc. There are also more things that can go wrong, and not having a vet around is starting to tell in various ways; I need to figure out how to get the house animals dewormed, for example. A lot of that kicks up my PDA, which reduces the amount of pleasurable stuff I can do in other spheres.
I'm not feeling super miserable or anything, though. This is a space where I can feel my boundaries very clearly, and I'm doing a lot of observation and data gathering in it. At some point the meds thing will be sorted and I'll bounce out of it; if I spend enough time here I'll even have direction when I bounce.
This is kind of the essence of winter for me: things are quietly turning, readying for growth and change, but it's not time to move on that yet. It's ok to rest here and let my boundaries defend themselves: ok to recover slowly from the thing with Tucker, from realizing the world will never accommodate me easily and I'll have to self-accommodate, from expectations of community and cohabitation sifting quietly into ash. Things are definitely starting to grow in that ash, small yet, but they're coming.
It's like the Deck said: don't move yet. Just sit, and exist awhile.
I'm stuck in or near the bad part of my cycle, due to some medication stuff. This means I'll interpret stuff more poorly, feel worse in general, and have significantly less energy to address issues (as well as having some contributory stuff like body pain).
I've lost my interest and enthusiasm for figuring out how to communicate with people. Whether this is somewhat related to the cycle thing, whether it's part of the burnout and just lack of ability to handle the cognitive load, whether it's my PDA pushing back on just how required it is in the world to mask, whether it's slivers left over from the relationship with Tucker where communication was actively counterproductive, could be anything. But I'm just not interested anymore, which means communication is an uncomfortable slog up an enormous wall of work.
My ratio of humaning-for-pleasure and humaning-for-work is skewed.
I have a lot of responsibility at the farm. Animals are mostly locked up, I have a ton of pigs, it means more carrying more stuff to more locations, plus more auxiliary stuff like going to the next town over to buy food, etc. There are also more things that can go wrong, and not having a vet around is starting to tell in various ways; I need to figure out how to get the house animals dewormed, for example. A lot of that kicks up my PDA, which reduces the amount of pleasurable stuff I can do in other spheres.
I'm not feeling super miserable or anything, though. This is a space where I can feel my boundaries very clearly, and I'm doing a lot of observation and data gathering in it. At some point the meds thing will be sorted and I'll bounce out of it; if I spend enough time here I'll even have direction when I bounce.
This is kind of the essence of winter for me: things are quietly turning, readying for growth and change, but it's not time to move on that yet. It's ok to rest here and let my boundaries defend themselves: ok to recover slowly from the thing with Tucker, from realizing the world will never accommodate me easily and I'll have to self-accommodate, from expectations of community and cohabitation sifting quietly into ash. Things are definitely starting to grow in that ash, small yet, but they're coming.
It's like the Deck said: don't move yet. Just sit, and exist awhile.
