Reset?

[greenstorm]

I finally found something that gives me what feels like a rest: a TV show that lets my mind stop for a little bit.

I watched /Three Pines/ and that was not it, but I'd say is a pretty good taste of rural Canada right now and is worth watching. But, not a rest.

So I started watching /Bones/ which has an autistic-coded character and is significantly lighter, and it's doing the trick.

Problem is, after watching four episodes and then coming back into the world, my empathy has returned. Problem is, empathy really fucking sucks.

There's my high school acquaintance, who has apparently felt like a "loser" for 25 years because I don't talk to her enough, and who feels boring to herself.

There's T, who can neither ask for what he needs nor leave a situation where he's dissatisfied and so is trapped without agency or fulfillment.

And there's me, who feels unseen and unwanted for my actual self, good only for the manic pixie dream girl autistic services I provide to people, with no one ever as interested in my thoughts or experience as I am in theirs.

It's too much. It's flooding me. Is it possible to find someone happy to spend time around for a little while, just to give me a rest? Is everyone I know somewhere between discontent and anguish? If I'm going to be experiencing someone's emotions, can't I find someone else?

Comments

[graydon2]

I don’t know if I’m in the category of people who see you as symbolic, or am too buried in anguish (it’s mostly just death and I can mostly control it in person / not in late night journal entries) but .. setting those caveats aside: I think you’re great and enjoy talking with you and/or just sitting and spending time with you, when geography allows.

[greenstorm]

I mean, you've enjoyed that in the past but when we spent time together you also had an enormous set of what you thought was going on inside me in your head, which you never consulted with me about, so I have no idea how much of actual-me you think is great, and how much is the creative act that happens within a reader who consumes media.

From what I know of you, you're pretty buried in anguish, though. I mean, most of what I have is your journal posts and you trying to help/check up on me, which-- it's what we are, but it's rarely to never conversation beyond catching up on the basics.

I think you could see me better now, if we talked, but I'm probably clouded by your last decade of journal entries to be able to see you. It would take time to break that down.

[graydon2]

Bleh, I had a long reply here that was a mix of monday morning crankiness and defensiveness; rereading I wish I'd said nothing. I'm sorry, I just meant to reach out in comfort and obviously didn't succeed. Please ignore previous reply.

[donnaidh_sidhe]

Life's complicated but hopeful in my nook here. Happy to keep you company.