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greenstormOkay, so I'm sitting here at home. The birthday party is going on over here, started at 8. I've offered echo2oak my couch, so I'd better be there at some point. I just don't want to do anything, though. Rather, I want to curl up and escape into something far far away. I really miss the Juggler. I know now that I can't be 'partway in a relationship' as I am -- I can't do it casually, right now. Last time I felt like this I called Kynnin, but I need to not do that this time.
The thing in my relationship with Kynnin (and really, in all of these) is that when I feel bad I don't know how to clearly ask for comfort, because I don't know what will help me. This freaks people out, and they tend to then be very uncomfortable with me when I'm feeling bad, and I think they tend to feel guilty over that. I've never had someone say to me: hey, look, you're unhappy and it's making me uncomfortable, you need to stop or I need to leave. They sort of poke at me instead, possibly as that problem-solving thing: why are you feeling bad, that's a sucky reason because of this, we were gonna do x happy thing instead. None of that comforts me.
Theoretically, to practice asking clearly for what I want, I should call up the Juggler and say, 'hey, look, do you have an hour or two to spend with me?'
Thing is, when I'm in a relationship (which I am now again, jeeze) and feeling lonely I tend to want to turn to the person I'm in a relationship with, instead of turning to other people. Now, Tillie's out of town, Ellen's out of town, my mom's here but she's not a first resort, and... so he's the logical person, right?
It's scary, though. I can be honest and open with anyone except those I'm emotionally attached to, I guess. That's not 100% true, but it's more true than anything..
The thing in my relationship with Kynnin (and really, in all of these) is that when I feel bad I don't know how to clearly ask for comfort, because I don't know what will help me. This freaks people out, and they tend to then be very uncomfortable with me when I'm feeling bad, and I think they tend to feel guilty over that. I've never had someone say to me: hey, look, you're unhappy and it's making me uncomfortable, you need to stop or I need to leave. They sort of poke at me instead, possibly as that problem-solving thing: why are you feeling bad, that's a sucky reason because of this, we were gonna do x happy thing instead. None of that comforts me.
Theoretically, to practice asking clearly for what I want, I should call up the Juggler and say, 'hey, look, do you have an hour or two to spend with me?'
Thing is, when I'm in a relationship (which I am now again, jeeze) and feeling lonely I tend to want to turn to the person I'm in a relationship with, instead of turning to other people. Now, Tillie's out of town, Ellen's out of town, my mom's here but she's not a first resort, and... so he's the logical person, right?
It's scary, though. I can be honest and open with anyone except those I'm emotionally attached to, I guess. That's not 100% true, but it's more true than anything..
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Date: 2004-08-21 11:21 pm (UTC)The more we care, the more they can let us down, I think is the theory. If I call up my old geology prof and try to tell him my problems, he has a right to tell me to fuck off. If I try the same thing and obtain the same result from someone in my 'intimate circle', I'd probably crawl under a rock in response.