(no subject)

[greenstorm]

What if I'm happy?
The question has been coming to me for ten years
A quarter of my life
In moments:

In a truck, alone, a hundred kilometers from any people
Bear tracks outside the window
And about to shoulder a heavy pack

In the rain and wind
Fighting with a tarp
Pigs playing tug-o-war on the other side
As I race coming snow

In sunshine
Blisters on my hands
Eyes stinging with sweat
Only half the garden dug
And baby plants busting out of their pots with impatience

In darkness
So cold the walls are chilly
And skin freezes to the windows
Only the heartbeat glow of the woodstove
Glimmering in the dark

Immobile
Held by two cats and gravity
Tracing by eye
With the luxury of time and love,
Every white and tawny hair

Held transfixed
By three cups
Blue and blue and blue
Against a blue wall
Each anchoring a long curved shadow

And so often lying alone
Sunlight through the window
Or rain on the roof
Small sounds outside
The ceiling an architecture of light

What if it's not about doing everything right?
What if it's not entrapping some human into collaboration?
What if it's not knowing I'll be safe?
What if it's not knowing it will last?
What if I'm just happy
In this little pause between moments?

If I'm just happy
What do I do now?

Comments

[graydon2]

I often wonder this, but also the variant "if I am just sad". I gravitate towards two conclusions. One is that many emotions don't tell me what to do at all, they just exist. And the other is that it doesn't always make much difference what I do anyways, most of my choices just vanish into time like ripples in a stream.