(no subject)

[greenstorm]

And of course I'm going to second guess myself. We were talking more regularly and that was lovely. But it's always-- we had even weathered some hard bits, the eclipse and new years, where he was away and I felt supported. But he would drop out for a couple months-- it seemed like that might have been fixed by the system we'd come up with to talk regularly. We both liked that.

But I needed him to know when he couldn't offer something, and be honest about it, and not leave me hanging. This is the first time he said, this morning, that I had been right when I pushed him and was like "are you sure you can do this?". It's the first time anyone's told me I was right about that kind of thing. He said the right things, but...

...just a little too late. And just a little too, I dunno, I could see if it was a committed volunteer shift he didn't feel like he could leave, but it wasn't. It was to attend a kink workshop.

And I want to be clear. I can't imagine ever finding someone who can do better. Most of them would ignore me for NRE, or out of an optimistic sense of their own capabilities. I have no interest in tolerating that either. I honestly don't know why Tucker made the choice he did, and I'm not sure I can know.

I know nothing about his other relationship. She was monogamous and left him in high school, so she was I guess one that got away. I don't know if she put pressure on him. I don't know if she knows that we've broken up. I don't know if she knows he hid that he was going to this thing with her from me until so close to the time. I don't know if she knows he was supposed to talk to me, that he didn't, that for the rest of the evening he had made the choices he did. I don't know if they played or went to the same workshops, and if there's one thing I know by now, it doesn't really matter.

He is the one who made those decisions.

And it wasn't-- any one of the decisions, fine. But so many in a row, when he knew it was important, that's. I wouldn't have made my choice to leave if it was any one of them. If it had been any two I would have been upset, but fine. But it's this making so many decisions to exclude me and then waiting--

Ugh. I want it to not have happened. I want to live in a world where there was a little more care. Doesn't have to have been a lot, but not this I'm too busy to respond with more than one text after several hours nonsense.

But I guess that's the point. If I want that, he's not the person. If I want regularly scheduled talks, a routine, that might be more doable. I mean, I don't know how he feels about it, it may not be now, but it's small stakes, lots of little iterations with built in measurable success so it can be seen whether it's worked or not. And that's valuable.

It's just that in a romantic partner I need someone who can do a little bigger leap when things are unsettled. You know, he-- when he has time to go away and come back he can generally figure things out. But to do that he has to go away, and-- yeah.

I hate this. I want this to not have happened.

I got some hours of sleep finally. Next step should be food or something. It's sunny out. I don't want sun. I want lightning. I want it all to burn.

I don't think he doesn't love me. I think my feelings have just always put him on the back foot.

Enough of this.

Comments

[yarrowkat]

i think (from way over here, never having met either of you in person, etc) that you made the right decision. you absolutely deserve to be treated well in your relationships and he runs hot and cold and doesn't achieve that. one of the great lies our culture tells us is that "love is all you need." and it's really, absolutely, not. love by itself is never enough. we need all this other stuff - mutual respect, compatibility, clear communication, agreements around expectations, etc etc or things just don't work.

I'm sorry. this really sucks. especially with everything else you're dealing with right now.