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Oct. 14th, 2025 08:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormTonight I have more access to my emotions than I have for awhile. This is maybe five or so days off birth(er, actually PMDD hormonal) control, though I'm still on the sertraline stabilizer. I had missed having visceral access to this huge breadth of love. I'm curious how it will relate to my energy use (did I mention they've developed a technical medical term, "energy envelope"? I always appreciate when language cateches up with me).
I have no more problem solving or day-to-day thinking capacity. The grocery store was using a different door while they painted outside their normal one; I went in, couldn't figure out what to do, where to go, or what I wanted despite having a list so I got a random item and bought it because I was in some kind of autopilot. I still can't reliably get the sequence of bathroom-->toilet seat up-->pants down-->pee-->toilet paper-->flush toilet-->wash hands as much as I'd like. But I can feel the feeling of missing people.
And I can do narrative better. Siri and Whiskey seem to sense that it's a rough night and are staying close, protectively.
The big sky is coming back for the winter. There's ice on the north side of the house that will probably still be there in April. My bedroom is warm and comfy. While, surprisingly, being off the pill has removed all pain below my belly button, I'm getting stronger and more reliable pain in the window an hour to three hours after I eat. It's a stupid metaphor for loneliness, pain after the brief pleasure of eating or company.
I remember now that love and loneliness are two sides of a single coin for me. Access to one seems to mean access to the other. And yet, here I am loving my home and my self and my life at the same time.
Poly means always being lonely for someone, or is that just a human thing? I don't think most people feel it often?
I have no more problem solving or day-to-day thinking capacity. The grocery store was using a different door while they painted outside their normal one; I went in, couldn't figure out what to do, where to go, or what I wanted despite having a list so I got a random item and bought it because I was in some kind of autopilot. I still can't reliably get the sequence of bathroom-->toilet seat up-->pants down-->pee-->toilet paper-->flush toilet-->wash hands as much as I'd like. But I can feel the feeling of missing people.
And I can do narrative better. Siri and Whiskey seem to sense that it's a rough night and are staying close, protectively.
The big sky is coming back for the winter. There's ice on the north side of the house that will probably still be there in April. My bedroom is warm and comfy. While, surprisingly, being off the pill has removed all pain below my belly button, I'm getting stronger and more reliable pain in the window an hour to three hours after I eat. It's a stupid metaphor for loneliness, pain after the brief pleasure of eating or company.
I remember now that love and loneliness are two sides of a single coin for me. Access to one seems to mean access to the other. And yet, here I am loving my home and my self and my life at the same time.
Poly means always being lonely for someone, or is that just a human thing? I don't think most people feel it often?
