![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormSo on Chiaroscuro, one of my characters has a son. Chiaroscuro has things like noble families and arranged marriages.
So I spent the evening explaining why it was important to do things like follow authority structures and consider marriages before you did them... well, my char did.
I'm totally drained. Who'da thought?
I'm also (not on the game) uneasy/upset about some personal stuff. Specifically, I'm concerned that my fluid bond with the juggler might have been dependent on me being monogamous with him. Not dependent on me taking time to get partners tested and using safe sex with them, but monogamous, period.
Thing is, of course, he can't offer much in the way of incentive for that-- not much time, not much emotional energy, etc. He has his primary relationship. Now where this comes from is in some ways irrelevent, whatever his reasoning behind it, whatever his drives that lead him to this.
I feel pretty bad about it, because... well, because it looks like the situation, if it changes, will do so based on who I'm not dating anymore, and not because of any other reason.
Now, I know I don't deserve/am not entitled to a fluid bond any more than I deserve/am entitled to any time with him, etc. That's something that we would decide to do, or to stop doing, based on what our lives looked like right then.
But man! It seems like, measured from the decision to stop dating Mouse/Kynnin, our relationship is just going to keep distancing. Less time, less emotional intimacy, less whatever...
So the question is, why do I do this? Cause I love him, cause I enjoy what we do have, when we have it. Cause I'm hopeful a way can be found to reach the end of this steady stream of lowerings, to settle into something...
Am I an idealist?
Is it childish to say that, whatever other people might give me, however good they might be to me, however happy I might be with them, I want the Juggler too?
But this is me giving in to feeling bad, and it's not helping. He's a luxury for me, I need to remember that, and I can only keep him if I keep feeling good about myself overall.
Bah.
So I spent the evening explaining why it was important to do things like follow authority structures and consider marriages before you did them... well, my char did.
I'm totally drained. Who'da thought?
I'm also (not on the game) uneasy/upset about some personal stuff. Specifically, I'm concerned that my fluid bond with the juggler might have been dependent on me being monogamous with him. Not dependent on me taking time to get partners tested and using safe sex with them, but monogamous, period.
Thing is, of course, he can't offer much in the way of incentive for that-- not much time, not much emotional energy, etc. He has his primary relationship. Now where this comes from is in some ways irrelevent, whatever his reasoning behind it, whatever his drives that lead him to this.
I feel pretty bad about it, because... well, because it looks like the situation, if it changes, will do so based on who I'm not dating anymore, and not because of any other reason.
Now, I know I don't deserve/am not entitled to a fluid bond any more than I deserve/am entitled to any time with him, etc. That's something that we would decide to do, or to stop doing, based on what our lives looked like right then.
But man! It seems like, measured from the decision to stop dating Mouse/Kynnin, our relationship is just going to keep distancing. Less time, less emotional intimacy, less whatever...
So the question is, why do I do this? Cause I love him, cause I enjoy what we do have, when we have it. Cause I'm hopeful a way can be found to reach the end of this steady stream of lowerings, to settle into something...
Am I an idealist?
Is it childish to say that, whatever other people might give me, however good they might be to me, however happy I might be with them, I want the Juggler too?
But this is me giving in to feeling bad, and it's not helping. He's a luxury for me, I need to remember that, and I can only keep him if I keep feeling good about myself overall.
Bah.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-09-24 02:16 am (UTC)Even if you are an idealist, is it wrong to dream and to want to believe? Especially in that one person who means so much to you.
I suppose it'd become a deterrent if you began to delude yourself into believing untruths and flights of fancy. Then it'd be an entirely different outlook. It would be denial and lies that you tell yourself to make yourself feel better/comforted/reassured about the way things are.
This connects to your pondering about whether or not it is "childish to say that, whatever other people might give me, however good they might be to me, however happy I might be with them, I want the Juggler too?"
I am in a similar state. This is probably the place where I can relate to you the most in your entry. What I feel for my SO I know will never abate. It can be routed into anger at times, depression, blandness, etc., but the simple fact is that I will always love him. And no matter what relationships I'll enter, I'll still be bringing him with me into them. If in memory, reflection and/or desire.
Not that I'm planning on jumping ship to be with other people, but the future holds many years as he pointed out. Who knows where we'll be in ten years from now. I can hope; I can dream; I can be idealistic. And that's okay.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-24 07:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-24 07:34 pm (UTC)Hmm. Maybe I misinterpreted your comments? If someone's 'bad' for your personal growth, your welbeing, your frame of mind, then they aren't worth bending over dysfunctionality for. They're definitely not worth the headspace and brainpower if they can't be available to you. You say it's not a pressing thing, but it certainly is something...
What I meant before was that you can dream and hope what you wish, carrying the memories of the relationship and the person with you into the future. But if they're counterproductive to your Being as a functioning Person, then they aren't worth the invested time. That's my take. You're a decent person, Greenie. You have a lot of options and many years in front of you. :)