Rut or Groove?
Sep. 30th, 2004 06:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormWhatever you want to call it, I'm home again.
Home is a great word.
Physically, I'm at Tillie's and waiting for the last last last of the stuff to go (three rats, one fish, and a wok full of odds and ends). Physically, my room at Troy's is not really livable yet.
Mentally?
I've been on basically a half-fast for the last week, at under a thousand calories a day. This has been poor self-care, not deliberate. The last two nights I've slept an astounding seven hours each, up from like three the rest of the week. My liquid consumption has been way down. My exercise has been up there (I know I'm burning protein cause when I'm using energy I'm like a furnace, really hot).
Ususally this would knock me right out, and I can feel the sore throat hinting at its existance. However, I'm good. I'm finally (finally finally, gods thank you) down off my high. I'm through the low, I think, that came after it. I feel like a piece of wood tossed into water-- I'll float, and if I get wet, well, so?
It's nice to be thinking about practical details again. It's wonderful to be thinking, I wonder if I can find organic ingredients for baked beans? (He prefers to only eat organic stuff, and won't eat um... 'inorganic' animal products? What a ridiculous statement that is). It's cool to be thinking about what goes where in the bedroom. It's wonderful to think of biking on Saturday (from Tillie's to downtown? Oooohhhh....)
Now, yes, when I break a fast like this I always get those happy-serene-glowy feelings. The nap may be contributing. Also contributing is the fact that ...hm, clear communication between people is possible? I'm not being all metaphysical here, I'm talking about things like 'let's do something Saturday' or 'I'll meet you at 10pm'.
I'm a bit worried about the Juggler. I keep trying to talk to him about this... no, I keep trying to -listen- to him about this, and he doesn't have much to say. I can talk plenty. I'm not sure how to make sure he's all right with everything or will ask me for what he needs, and I'm not sure I can convey to him that it's important to me he's alright with this, that I don't want to lose him in the whole cocooning thing. Man. I could just trust him to tell me if he needs something, right? Instead of going away... let me think through this one.
I do trust him to eventually figure it out if I remain open to him, and bring it to me. I think I do... What I don't trust is that there won't be some confusion and pain during the figuring process. I can't do it for him, the figuring, he does need to (oh, so patronising, Greenie) learn to do it himself. Baaaaaaah! I don't know if I shold back off on my trying to help and give him breathing room, or continue to go on as we are. I know he doesn't want increased time/attention from me. I wish... no, I will put it to him, and hope he answers me clearly, rather than mistrusting him to do it already.
I've been thinking about Kynnin a bunch lately too. Chris is reconciled with his first long-term live-in relationship... but that ended two years ago. I don't know... I feel as if I don't have anything worthwhile to offer Kynnin right now, as a friend, as anything. That is, the things I find are worthwhile, that I make myself into, I don't think he cares about. Having said that, I know I'm wrong. Time will heal all things. It's still very new.
Now, the long-awaited lovestruck ramblings about The New One. You can skip this part if you want; it's obligatory for me to write it, of course.
He's passionately ethical, in that he adheres with great... not tenacity, but strength, to the ethics that he has which he has thought out. That's a deliberately worded sentence, of course; we'll see. It's fun, we talk a lot about ethical issues, and he's all about the 'world' issues. Of course, I've always been all about 'people' ethical issues. I'm curious to see how those work with him, because they're very different arenas.
He's blonde. I've been going for blonder and blonder men since the beginning. This is amusing. Every once in awhile I look at him and my mind squeals: he's so -blonde-! Tillie tells me that the Juggler is blonde, though she's wrong (only at the tips, in the summer) and I'm finding the whole thing quite a novelty.
He's very skinny, and kinda thin. He fits into the curve of my arm, he's not a two-arm dealie. You know, it's been so long since I was comfortably dating two men, and I'd forgotten the sheet aesthetic thrill of the differentness between them. There is *this* and there is *that* and they are very different, and it makes you remember to pay attention, and it makes both of them that much more lovely. Oh, that's so true in so many ways, too. Juggler's aquarium-building and heavy-stuff-hauling and powertools, Chris is parks and swingsets and dancing. Both of them are Lynn Valley, yay!
Both of them are sex. *smiles idiotically*
Ahem.
His hands move the way Jan's did when he dances, and the way mine do. There's something electric about that. I can't describe the kind of motion, but it's a particularly -aware- motion.
There's a lot of Jan in him in a lot of ways. Echoes, not completes, of course... and you know, it makes me miss Jan an awful lot. Is this poly or is this just person-ness, that I keep thinking, they'd love to do this or that together woth both? Wheee, is this me having a second 'type'? Are Jan and Chris my kinetic emotional 'type' while Juggler and (less so) Kynnin are my steady computer-programmer-practical types? No, Kynnin is sort of right in between. Oh, well.
I'm hoping this works out... not better, because it was good, but more long-term than that. Silly to say, seven days in, but long-term is what I want in the end.
It's cool that I'm on a self-improvement phase lately. I'm catching myself, sometimes poorly, sometimes belatedly, sometimes with no idea what to do after I catch things, but I am catching myself when I do a lot of those 'issue' things I do.
What else do I tell you? He swears a lot, especially when he's excited. His diction is fantastic, in that he can say things that are so slang-y right next to such proper academic vocabulary (You're so stealth, he says, hah). He interrupts himself ten times in a sentence (like Jan and I do, see, interruption!). He's supposedly tall, but he doesn't present that way. I don't know if he's had his romantic idealism burnt out of him yet, but it sounds like maybe not so much (bah!). He cooks for me because he wants me to eat ethically. He wanders around with clothes on an awful lot. He's all about subcultures: goth, metal, roleplay, skater, raver, god knows. He's part of more subcultures than I know exist.
He's the first person I've ever been physically intimate in any way with who doesn't wear glasses.
He's pretty pretentious, and he's firmly at the centre of his world-- not non-empathetic, not blind, just a faithful/believer who has a world view at the very core of his being. He's not... is the term pluralist? It's interesting.
He is, however, at the centre of a -big- web of friends of varying closeness. He knows an incredible number of people. Very different from me, that.
So, yeah, that's The New One. Enough.
To reward you, my devout readers (removes tongue from cheek) I will now present to you: My New Phone Number. It's:
604-986-7840
When I learn to check the messages you'll have better luck getting a hold of me on it. :)
Home is a great word.
Physically, I'm at Tillie's and waiting for the last last last of the stuff to go (three rats, one fish, and a wok full of odds and ends). Physically, my room at Troy's is not really livable yet.
Mentally?
I've been on basically a half-fast for the last week, at under a thousand calories a day. This has been poor self-care, not deliberate. The last two nights I've slept an astounding seven hours each, up from like three the rest of the week. My liquid consumption has been way down. My exercise has been up there (I know I'm burning protein cause when I'm using energy I'm like a furnace, really hot).
Ususally this would knock me right out, and I can feel the sore throat hinting at its existance. However, I'm good. I'm finally (finally finally, gods thank you) down off my high. I'm through the low, I think, that came after it. I feel like a piece of wood tossed into water-- I'll float, and if I get wet, well, so?
It's nice to be thinking about practical details again. It's wonderful to be thinking, I wonder if I can find organic ingredients for baked beans? (He prefers to only eat organic stuff, and won't eat um... 'inorganic' animal products? What a ridiculous statement that is). It's cool to be thinking about what goes where in the bedroom. It's wonderful to think of biking on Saturday (from Tillie's to downtown? Oooohhhh....)
Now, yes, when I break a fast like this I always get those happy-serene-glowy feelings. The nap may be contributing. Also contributing is the fact that ...hm, clear communication between people is possible? I'm not being all metaphysical here, I'm talking about things like 'let's do something Saturday' or 'I'll meet you at 10pm'.
I'm a bit worried about the Juggler. I keep trying to talk to him about this... no, I keep trying to -listen- to him about this, and he doesn't have much to say. I can talk plenty. I'm not sure how to make sure he's all right with everything or will ask me for what he needs, and I'm not sure I can convey to him that it's important to me he's alright with this, that I don't want to lose him in the whole cocooning thing. Man. I could just trust him to tell me if he needs something, right? Instead of going away... let me think through this one.
I do trust him to eventually figure it out if I remain open to him, and bring it to me. I think I do... What I don't trust is that there won't be some confusion and pain during the figuring process. I can't do it for him, the figuring, he does need to (oh, so patronising, Greenie) learn to do it himself. Baaaaaaah! I don't know if I shold back off on my trying to help and give him breathing room, or continue to go on as we are. I know he doesn't want increased time/attention from me. I wish... no, I will put it to him, and hope he answers me clearly, rather than mistrusting him to do it already.
I've been thinking about Kynnin a bunch lately too. Chris is reconciled with his first long-term live-in relationship... but that ended two years ago. I don't know... I feel as if I don't have anything worthwhile to offer Kynnin right now, as a friend, as anything. That is, the things I find are worthwhile, that I make myself into, I don't think he cares about. Having said that, I know I'm wrong. Time will heal all things. It's still very new.
Now, the long-awaited lovestruck ramblings about The New One. You can skip this part if you want; it's obligatory for me to write it, of course.
He's passionately ethical, in that he adheres with great... not tenacity, but strength, to the ethics that he has which he has thought out. That's a deliberately worded sentence, of course; we'll see. It's fun, we talk a lot about ethical issues, and he's all about the 'world' issues. Of course, I've always been all about 'people' ethical issues. I'm curious to see how those work with him, because they're very different arenas.
He's blonde. I've been going for blonder and blonder men since the beginning. This is amusing. Every once in awhile I look at him and my mind squeals: he's so -blonde-! Tillie tells me that the Juggler is blonde, though she's wrong (only at the tips, in the summer) and I'm finding the whole thing quite a novelty.
He's very skinny, and kinda thin. He fits into the curve of my arm, he's not a two-arm dealie. You know, it's been so long since I was comfortably dating two men, and I'd forgotten the sheet aesthetic thrill of the differentness between them. There is *this* and there is *that* and they are very different, and it makes you remember to pay attention, and it makes both of them that much more lovely. Oh, that's so true in so many ways, too. Juggler's aquarium-building and heavy-stuff-hauling and powertools, Chris is parks and swingsets and dancing. Both of them are Lynn Valley, yay!
Both of them are sex. *smiles idiotically*
Ahem.
His hands move the way Jan's did when he dances, and the way mine do. There's something electric about that. I can't describe the kind of motion, but it's a particularly -aware- motion.
There's a lot of Jan in him in a lot of ways. Echoes, not completes, of course... and you know, it makes me miss Jan an awful lot. Is this poly or is this just person-ness, that I keep thinking, they'd love to do this or that together woth both? Wheee, is this me having a second 'type'? Are Jan and Chris my kinetic emotional 'type' while Juggler and (less so) Kynnin are my steady computer-programmer-practical types? No, Kynnin is sort of right in between. Oh, well.
I'm hoping this works out... not better, because it was good, but more long-term than that. Silly to say, seven days in, but long-term is what I want in the end.
It's cool that I'm on a self-improvement phase lately. I'm catching myself, sometimes poorly, sometimes belatedly, sometimes with no idea what to do after I catch things, but I am catching myself when I do a lot of those 'issue' things I do.
What else do I tell you? He swears a lot, especially when he's excited. His diction is fantastic, in that he can say things that are so slang-y right next to such proper academic vocabulary (You're so stealth, he says, hah). He interrupts himself ten times in a sentence (like Jan and I do, see, interruption!). He's supposedly tall, but he doesn't present that way. I don't know if he's had his romantic idealism burnt out of him yet, but it sounds like maybe not so much (bah!). He cooks for me because he wants me to eat ethically. He wanders around with clothes on an awful lot. He's all about subcultures: goth, metal, roleplay, skater, raver, god knows. He's part of more subcultures than I know exist.
He's the first person I've ever been physically intimate in any way with who doesn't wear glasses.
He's pretty pretentious, and he's firmly at the centre of his world-- not non-empathetic, not blind, just a faithful/believer who has a world view at the very core of his being. He's not... is the term pluralist? It's interesting.
He is, however, at the centre of a -big- web of friends of varying closeness. He knows an incredible number of people. Very different from me, that.
So, yeah, that's The New One. Enough.
To reward you, my devout readers (removes tongue from cheek) I will now present to you: My New Phone Number. It's:
604-986-7840
When I learn to check the messages you'll have better luck getting a hold of me on it. :)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-09-30 08:53 pm (UTC)That is MY phone number dammit!
You trying to get me dates or something!
no subject
Date: 2004-09-30 10:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-01 01:28 am (UTC)*laughs hysterically*
no subject
Date: 2004-10-01 04:30 am (UTC):)
no subject
Date: 2004-10-02 02:45 am (UTC)Anyways, it's "not organic" not "inorganic". :P
no subject
Date: 2004-10-01 03:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-01 04:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-01 10:38 am (UTC)