Safety?

[greenstorm]

I had a number of really disturbing dreams last night. Chris and I were talking about some heavy stuff before bed, so that might have brought them on. It may be, though, that now I feel like I'm in a place of relative relationship safety I'm going back and releasing some of my fears from other relationships.

Yesterday morning I went back and listened to one of Jan's audio livejournal posts, and I've been ever so slightly edging into contact with Kynnin. Listening to Jan made me perfectly happy; he's where he wants to be, and happy, and that's a wonderful thing.

Stuff with Kynnin makes me pretty afraid. A lot of the stuff that was the problem in the first place is still there, of course, and... I honestly don't know how much of it is there because I don't exercise any sort of calling-bullshit on him or how much is that deeply buried. I miss him; I've always wanted him as part of my life, and I'm afraid that won't happen now. Specifically, I'm afraid it won't happen while he's dating Mouse, which if it's a true fear is a really messed-up situation. Understand what I'm talking about isn't some sort of Grande Relationship, but just as my oldest friend, as someone who has shared a lot with me and maybe does less so now but who I can talk to sometimes.

On the other hand, I do think that over the years I've done my part towards making Kynnin pretty emotionally unavailable, and I guess I reap what I sow.

Eh. I can't tell, right now, what's self-loathing and what I actually need to worry about here. I'll just get it out, and think about it another time. This is the low point in the mornign when everyone abandons me in favour of sleep. It doesn't last so long anymore, because Chris gets up earlier than either Juggler or Kynnin used to, but it's still there. There's something particularly about seeing their bodies lying there in bed and knowing that they themselves are not there... understand, this is again just me talking about my fears and worries and internal horrors, not me stating that if someone isn't there for me every second I'm awake it's a terrible thing. My defenses are so low in the mornings.

Speaking of sleep, I'm also worried about my stuff with the Juggler lately. We've gone platonic, cause I think this stretch is easier on him that way, but we're also not seeing each other much lately. I've been sick, and... well, truth to tell, I've been going to sleep about two hours after he gets off work during the day, and he's been reserving daytimes for house-stuff (he pulled apart the ductwork and is redoing it) and some other stuff of his. It equals very little time together.

But here, Chris is awake, and this can end. T'care.

Comments

Alone Times

[echo2oak.livejournal.com]

I have these moments too, thankfully less these days than in years past (although that is likely because I'm wiped out from raising kids and such) - Alone Times when it seems the world is suspended and if it does not awaken, then I might be forgotten somehow, lost in a dream that someone is having.

I don't know if that's exactly how you'd describe it, but your entry sparked memories of sitting on a window sill, writing by moonlight and streetlight into my journal, watching my then boyfriend sleep. There was a terrible ache, a sense of quiet terror, worry, fear, all those things that I knew would dissapate if he would just wake up.

These times happen, as I said, less often now, but still the memory persists.

*hug* If you feel as I have, then know you are not a Dream, you are Real, deserving of great happiness.

Mornings aren't the problem.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_greenwitch_/]

For me, the night is the worst time of day - when all my fears come to haunt me while I stare at the ceiling. Fellow insomniacs will understand. When I was a child, bothered by worries, fears and stress I had taken on at a very early age (Does God exist? What is God? Why did my uncle have to die of cancer?....), I would sometimes have crying jags that could last an hour, always hoping that someone would hear me and come to comfort me, but afraid to go to my parents and ask for comfort.

In high school, my depression was worst at night. And now, that's still the time when I worry the most. Funny thing is, my prescription sleeping pills counteract my anti-depressants!

[khamura.livejournal.com]

Listening to Jan made me perfectly happy; he's where he wants to be, and happy, and that's a wonderful thing.

It is. I hope you'll get there too. You deserve it.

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

I used to sleep with Brent, who was very pale and skinny. I remember waking up early in the trailer bedroom we shared, and staring down at him in the eerie blue/black/silver light, all still and prone, and thinking about the medieval tombs and how distant he was, how he looked dead.

I think it has something to do with emotional distance, this feeling, at least for me.

The people I sleep with now are diffrent, though. Babboo sleeps lightly, and so wakes if I get up, turn over, etc, quietly reminding me he's really there. _locke sleeps deeper, but is so responsive and so, can't explain, himself in his sleep, that I don't feel alone at all.

[babboo.livejournal.com]

Hehehe, I find it funny how we usually turn over in bed together, to preserve the spoon.

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

It's usually on command tho! ;)

"Babboo, turn over."
"Now you snuggle me."

[khamura.livejournal.com]

That is not an uncommon skill to develop for two people who share a (small) bed. Try sleeping in a 2m x 1m (6'6"x3'2") bed with someone else and /not/ turning when the other turns! ;)

bed size...

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

It's a funny thing, b/c I intentionally bought a queen-sized mattress and box spring years ago, to have enough room to fit 3 people, or to have plenty of space.

However, what I find when sharing this bed (which is almost 2m-square) is that there's NOT ENOUGH ROOM. This is partially the fact that I sleep in close contact with my bed-partners, so that we end up squiched in a small corner. Or, if I'm restless and need more space, they're ALWAYS RIGHT THERE. Or it could be that they're tall and at least one of them has to lie diagonally to stretch out!

Basically, I find it funny that I sometimes turn over and curse that my bed isn't big enough, when I used to curl up with my ex-g/f in a single bed....

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

This one is pale and skinny too, and oddly enough, he has a death-grip when sleeping... perhaps that's why it's all the odder when he ends up *way over there*...

And yes, that light...

Re: Alone Times

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

It's gentler now than it used to be, like being caught up in a hammock and looking down into the gulf below instead of just hanging over it. But yes, like that.

Re: Mornings aren't the problem.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

When I was insomniac (probably due to my antidepressants, then, but no one told me that at the time) then I remember 2-3am being the worst time. That was when you had to give up on being functional the next day, and just gracefully subside into despair.

[silverseastar.livejournal.com]

I suppose the stuff we really need to worry about comes back consistantly and hauntingly until we can't deny it's truth. When I bully myself though, it's lining up all the failures and negating all the successes. Even from an outsider perspective I can see you have done beautiful, gentle, important and sometimes hard things.