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greenstormI had a number of really disturbing dreams last night. Chris and I were talking about some heavy stuff before bed, so that might have brought them on. It may be, though, that now I feel like I'm in a place of relative relationship safety I'm going back and releasing some of my fears from other relationships.
Yesterday morning I went back and listened to one of Jan's audio livejournal posts, and I've been ever so slightly edging into contact with Kynnin. Listening to Jan made me perfectly happy; he's where he wants to be, and happy, and that's a wonderful thing.
Stuff with Kynnin makes me pretty afraid. A lot of the stuff that was the problem in the first place is still there, of course, and... I honestly don't know how much of it is there because I don't exercise any sort of calling-bullshit on him or how much is that deeply buried. I miss him; I've always wanted him as part of my life, and I'm afraid that won't happen now. Specifically, I'm afraid it won't happen while he's dating Mouse, which if it's a true fear is a really messed-up situation. Understand what I'm talking about isn't some sort of Grande Relationship, but just as my oldest friend, as someone who has shared a lot with me and maybe does less so now but who I can talk to sometimes.
On the other hand, I do think that over the years I've done my part towards making Kynnin pretty emotionally unavailable, and I guess I reap what I sow.
Eh. I can't tell, right now, what's self-loathing and what I actually need to worry about here. I'll just get it out, and think about it another time. This is the low point in the mornign when everyone abandons me in favour of sleep. It doesn't last so long anymore, because Chris gets up earlier than either Juggler or Kynnin used to, but it's still there. There's something particularly about seeing their bodies lying there in bed and knowing that they themselves are not there... understand, this is again just me talking about my fears and worries and internal horrors, not me stating that if someone isn't there for me every second I'm awake it's a terrible thing. My defenses are so low in the mornings.
Speaking of sleep, I'm also worried about my stuff with the Juggler lately. We've gone platonic, cause I think this stretch is easier on him that way, but we're also not seeing each other much lately. I've been sick, and... well, truth to tell, I've been going to sleep about two hours after he gets off work during the day, and he's been reserving daytimes for house-stuff (he pulled apart the ductwork and is redoing it) and some other stuff of his. It equals very little time together.
But here, Chris is awake, and this can end. T'care.
Yesterday morning I went back and listened to one of Jan's audio livejournal posts, and I've been ever so slightly edging into contact with Kynnin. Listening to Jan made me perfectly happy; he's where he wants to be, and happy, and that's a wonderful thing.
Stuff with Kynnin makes me pretty afraid. A lot of the stuff that was the problem in the first place is still there, of course, and... I honestly don't know how much of it is there because I don't exercise any sort of calling-bullshit on him or how much is that deeply buried. I miss him; I've always wanted him as part of my life, and I'm afraid that won't happen now. Specifically, I'm afraid it won't happen while he's dating Mouse, which if it's a true fear is a really messed-up situation. Understand what I'm talking about isn't some sort of Grande Relationship, but just as my oldest friend, as someone who has shared a lot with me and maybe does less so now but who I can talk to sometimes.
On the other hand, I do think that over the years I've done my part towards making Kynnin pretty emotionally unavailable, and I guess I reap what I sow.
Eh. I can't tell, right now, what's self-loathing and what I actually need to worry about here. I'll just get it out, and think about it another time. This is the low point in the mornign when everyone abandons me in favour of sleep. It doesn't last so long anymore, because Chris gets up earlier than either Juggler or Kynnin used to, but it's still there. There's something particularly about seeing their bodies lying there in bed and knowing that they themselves are not there... understand, this is again just me talking about my fears and worries and internal horrors, not me stating that if someone isn't there for me every second I'm awake it's a terrible thing. My defenses are so low in the mornings.
Speaking of sleep, I'm also worried about my stuff with the Juggler lately. We've gone platonic, cause I think this stretch is easier on him that way, but we're also not seeing each other much lately. I've been sick, and... well, truth to tell, I've been going to sleep about two hours after he gets off work during the day, and he's been reserving daytimes for house-stuff (he pulled apart the ductwork and is redoing it) and some other stuff of his. It equals very little time together.
But here, Chris is awake, and this can end. T'care.
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no subject
Date: 2004-10-19 11:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-19 11:25 am (UTC)"Babboo, turn over."
"Now you snuggle me."
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Date: 2004-10-19 11:40 am (UTC)bed size...
Date: 2004-10-19 12:17 pm (UTC)However, what I find when sharing this bed (which is almost 2m-square) is that there's NOT ENOUGH ROOM. This is partially the fact that I sleep in close contact with my bed-partners, so that we end up squiched in a small corner. Or, if I'm restless and need more space, they're ALWAYS RIGHT THERE. Or it could be that they're tall and at least one of them has to lie diagonally to stretch out!
Basically, I find it funny that I sometimes turn over and curse that my bed isn't big enough, when I used to curl up with my ex-g/f in a single bed....