Things That Tear
May. 28th, 2003 11:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormThese titles are kind of silly.
Alright. There are dishes in the sink, my plants need water but its too dark to do that now. It's procrastination for me, time to sink deep into a little jangling that I just picked up about ten minutes ago. What's this jangling, you ask? Let me turn up the music until I can't hear myself think and I'll tell you.
This jangling has to do with porn. Let's explore it. We'll start arbitrarily here.
I do not have issues with the SO being head over heels for The Other Woman. I do not have issues with The Exotic finding some potential girl on his side of the ocean, I do not have issues with The Juggler being with The Other Woman. These things make me jangly sometimes when they directly impact the time spent and/or mood of interactions but I understand this and I can see where it's coming from. This is not, therefore, that I believe that the thought of another person or even the presence of said person, will be bad.
So why does the concept of one of the SOs being deeply interested in this stuff bother me? Eh, the answer's coming out pretty simply now that I think about it. Right now I'm not shaving my legs because I need to reject the social ideal of beauty. I need to step outside of it, to say, this doesn't concern me, this is no part of my beauty. I cannot feel compared to this ideal because I fail miserably in comparison and then act stupidly and think stupid things.
When one of the SOs is involved with a Real Person I don't have to compare myself to this image. Real People are real people. To me, and I am not just saying this, the inside of people where they keep their soul, their thoughts, and their emotions is the attractive and burningly fascinating part. A deep, good, interesting exchange of information about selfness and interests is literally the best foreplay there is. Real people have these insides, and even if I don't appreciate my SOs' particular choices I can understand why they make them.
But when one gets to picture porn that's not true anymore. This is just the vessel, the exterior, and no knowledge can be obtained about that core that interests me. It leaves the body only in whatever state of reality it's shown and... that's a hard thing for me to deal with, that someone else could be interested enough in this that they would spend time on it and prefer it to that core interaction.
I do not believe, obviously, that porn is a bad thing in general. I do not want to be viewed in that way as a purely physical object, as published picture-porn to stranger that I don't care about, but I don't mind that when it comes right down to it. Strangers? Who cares?
It does set off this chain, though: SO-X is capable of looking at porn, at this purely physical representation of a person, and being turned on by it. SO-X is capable of looking at me as a purely physical representation and being turned on by it. SO-X may not care about the interior at all. I am not willing to change my external appearance for any of my SOs and even were I there are going to be changes in my appearance - I get tired and my eyes wrinkle, I don't eat and my ribs get poky, sometimes my breasts go saggy, my face breaks out. If SO-X is capable of not caring about the interior, then SO-X may not care about my interior and when these bad things happen may discard me.
And honestly, the problem isn't that I really believe any of those three will do this. It's just not in them. The problem is that it causes me to compare myself on an unrealistic level, in my own mind I fail at least sometimes, and there I am as an objectified and unwanted Greenstorm. To top it all off the idea of failing really stings. I'm not accustomed to failing, to not being the best at something, to falling short.
How to reconcile this? The problem is that I just don't understand this attraction to an image, a physical attraction to an unreal object. It's like a video game, like the urge to press endless weird combinations of buttons to manipulate stuff on a screen, bash your way through the maze, and eventually kill things and get points as a sort of victory baffles me. I don't see it in me.
I think the solution is probably viewing with some reassurance. The unknown is always more frightening than the known, and I really do have very little experience. I don't think it'll be a threat if I'm used to this, if I know what to expect, and if I find someone who wants to have lots of sex with me after watching porn that contains images of other people. Then I compare favourably, right? If it's talked about I won't feel like some sort of orifice, I think, and that will help me get over some issues with the SO that I'm on the way to getting over anyhow -- namely, feeling like he's venting his lust on me because I'm convenient rather than because he likes me.
It's funny how feeling included is so empowering. It's astounding how empowering being able to say exactly what I feel is for me, and how much simple acknowledgment of a feeling lets it be okay and stop it from interfering. I must practice the skill of being able to include myself.
Enough typing. Now to find someone who can combine porn, sex, and reassurance. Well, maybe this weekend -- my time seems to be filling up remarkably quickly these days.
But first, why things that tear? Because having something that hurts you and that you pull away from instinctively in someone you love makes a rip so loud you can hear it even outside. Love is the responsibility to be grown up so you're worthy of gaining trust and part of that is the responsibility to accept.
Hey, you three. It's a first step. :)
Alright. There are dishes in the sink, my plants need water but its too dark to do that now. It's procrastination for me, time to sink deep into a little jangling that I just picked up about ten minutes ago. What's this jangling, you ask? Let me turn up the music until I can't hear myself think and I'll tell you.
This jangling has to do with porn. Let's explore it. We'll start arbitrarily here.
I do not have issues with the SO being head over heels for The Other Woman. I do not have issues with The Exotic finding some potential girl on his side of the ocean, I do not have issues with The Juggler being with The Other Woman. These things make me jangly sometimes when they directly impact the time spent and/or mood of interactions but I understand this and I can see where it's coming from. This is not, therefore, that I believe that the thought of another person or even the presence of said person, will be bad.
So why does the concept of one of the SOs being deeply interested in this stuff bother me? Eh, the answer's coming out pretty simply now that I think about it. Right now I'm not shaving my legs because I need to reject the social ideal of beauty. I need to step outside of it, to say, this doesn't concern me, this is no part of my beauty. I cannot feel compared to this ideal because I fail miserably in comparison and then act stupidly and think stupid things.
When one of the SOs is involved with a Real Person I don't have to compare myself to this image. Real People are real people. To me, and I am not just saying this, the inside of people where they keep their soul, their thoughts, and their emotions is the attractive and burningly fascinating part. A deep, good, interesting exchange of information about selfness and interests is literally the best foreplay there is. Real people have these insides, and even if I don't appreciate my SOs' particular choices I can understand why they make them.
But when one gets to picture porn that's not true anymore. This is just the vessel, the exterior, and no knowledge can be obtained about that core that interests me. It leaves the body only in whatever state of reality it's shown and... that's a hard thing for me to deal with, that someone else could be interested enough in this that they would spend time on it and prefer it to that core interaction.
I do not believe, obviously, that porn is a bad thing in general. I do not want to be viewed in that way as a purely physical object, as published picture-porn to stranger that I don't care about, but I don't mind that when it comes right down to it. Strangers? Who cares?
It does set off this chain, though: SO-X is capable of looking at porn, at this purely physical representation of a person, and being turned on by it. SO-X is capable of looking at me as a purely physical representation and being turned on by it. SO-X may not care about the interior at all. I am not willing to change my external appearance for any of my SOs and even were I there are going to be changes in my appearance - I get tired and my eyes wrinkle, I don't eat and my ribs get poky, sometimes my breasts go saggy, my face breaks out. If SO-X is capable of not caring about the interior, then SO-X may not care about my interior and when these bad things happen may discard me.
And honestly, the problem isn't that I really believe any of those three will do this. It's just not in them. The problem is that it causes me to compare myself on an unrealistic level, in my own mind I fail at least sometimes, and there I am as an objectified and unwanted Greenstorm. To top it all off the idea of failing really stings. I'm not accustomed to failing, to not being the best at something, to falling short.
How to reconcile this? The problem is that I just don't understand this attraction to an image, a physical attraction to an unreal object. It's like a video game, like the urge to press endless weird combinations of buttons to manipulate stuff on a screen, bash your way through the maze, and eventually kill things and get points as a sort of victory baffles me. I don't see it in me.
I think the solution is probably viewing with some reassurance. The unknown is always more frightening than the known, and I really do have very little experience. I don't think it'll be a threat if I'm used to this, if I know what to expect, and if I find someone who wants to have lots of sex with me after watching porn that contains images of other people. Then I compare favourably, right? If it's talked about I won't feel like some sort of orifice, I think, and that will help me get over some issues with the SO that I'm on the way to getting over anyhow -- namely, feeling like he's venting his lust on me because I'm convenient rather than because he likes me.
It's funny how feeling included is so empowering. It's astounding how empowering being able to say exactly what I feel is for me, and how much simple acknowledgment of a feeling lets it be okay and stop it from interfering. I must practice the skill of being able to include myself.
Enough typing. Now to find someone who can combine porn, sex, and reassurance. Well, maybe this weekend -- my time seems to be filling up remarkably quickly these days.
But first, why things that tear? Because having something that hurts you and that you pull away from instinctively in someone you love makes a rip so loud you can hear it even outside. Love is the responsibility to be grown up so you're worthy of gaining trust and part of that is the responsibility to accept.
Hey, you three. It's a first step. :)
