greenstorm | Thoughts Float

So, tired today. Defenses approximately zero.

Can't differentiate between poly guilt and reality, but Juggler didn't say 'I love you' to me tonight. He only says it when he means it, which is nice, but I think this whole thing is taking him a little harder than... well, what I was going to say is, than he knows. It makes me sad. He's working crazy hours this week and it could be that, or the fact that Mouse is out of town this week and he's alone, though gods, that would be a situation I haven't seen him in to know how he'd react, or... I don't know. There's a distance. It's not, this time, of my own making. I'm absolutely willing to wait it out, and I hope it doesn't hurt anything.

While my defenses are about zero, I get very, very sensitive to music, and especially so when I'm in a highly... hm, well, when NRE is floating around, maybe? I put some of my clients' random CDs on while I was working today, and some songs came on. I am very definitely still mourning the Kynnin thing. I am very definitely surprised it's hitting me so hard still, and in other ways not so much. I'm amazed how the emotions seperate themselves into sharp bands: loss, emptiness, pain, nostalgia, regret, wistfulness; all these things are felt on their own, one at a time, coming up on me suddenly and hard and eventually letting me get on with my life until another, different one comes up.

I'm really glad the anger seems to be gone though. Anger and I don't do well together. Anger and I and Kynnin... well, it's best never to go there.

Every once in awhile I feel guilty for not making more effort to see my friends. Then Ellen posts something about being busy, and I go to work and come home barely able to hold my head up, and I think: there's time. Don't push it. Do it, not from guilt, but because you have time and energy.

There was some pretty potent emotional stuff this weekend, and after that I realise that energy is a bit of a scarce commodity anywhere.

I don't know how to say this. I feel so trapped, sometimes, by the present. Trapped by interacting with people, because when I do it all then it becomes so important to me, and I can't just do the things I want but instead I have to coordinate with people to fill the craving for... companionship, I guess. I want to be able to take someone for granted, which I can do with some people, sometimes, in small ways, or I want nothing to do with people at all. I have trouble with the sheer messiness of real human interaction; I didn't grow up with it. I grew up with the Belgariad, where everyone was stuck on a journey together and never seperated for more than a couple of days, and there was always interesting stuff to do for the people and neat stuff to talk about. I grew up with mom and dad not talking much, out on the farm with my brothers who never went anywhere without a parent to drive them and with the trees, which really didn't go anywhere.

And the truth is, I'm not lonely right now, sitting at 'home' alone on the computer with Chris out at a concert and the Juggler working on his robot. What I am is... I don't know. I miss Trevor. I miss Kyle. I miss Gaby. I miss the people who come into my life and talk interestedly and who care, but who don't stay there close enough that I can hurt them. I think this is because I know that I have somehow, very obscurely, hurt the Juggler. It's not poly that's done it, or chosing another over him even, but it's the fact that our interaction right now -is- limited that hurts him. He can't replace that with me by other types of interaction.

It's not quite nostalgic. It's something like that, though, for the simpler caring relationships.

I'm putting off going to bed. I'm tired, but bed is cold and bed is alone with my thoughts. I don't even know what there is about my thoughts that would bother me right now, but it feels like I'd best not let them spin. Maybe I'll find my book and curl up with my socks on and it'll be okay.

I need to show Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to Chris.

There is real regret, you know, when I think of Kynnin.