greenstorm | A Force For Good?

So here's me feeling like absolute crap because I don't want to go to bed alone (The Juggler lives elsewhere, the SO works nights, the Exotic lives overseas) and so I'm pulling up all this stuff and pretending it's important. It's not. What's really important?

I hate you all. I need you, right now, and no one's here for me. I'm there for you when you need me, why are you not here for me? This is not fair. I'm lonely.

I don't really hate anyone, of course. I'm just lonely and that ends up fluctuating through a whole bunch of wild defense emotions, like anger and resentment. Realistically I'm not going to do anything about it, not yet -- maybe call the Juggler if he's still up but I've been monopolising him lately and I don't want to interfere in his time with the Other Woman -- but it would take a whole bunch of major changes that I'm not willing to make to find some way not to be alone at night. I don't have more to give another person, or more time for another person, and none of the three can accommodate right now. So, famine in the midst of plenty. Water, water everywhere... but no drinking. A little salt in the stew and the mornings are sweeter for their companionship if I only make it through this unscathed.

It sure gets me through my other issues while I'm procrastinating.

Love is remaining open to another even when it hurts, even when the open hole leaks internal fluids because it's momentarily empty.