A Force For Good?

[greenstorm]

So here's me feeling like absolute crap because I don't want to go to bed alone (The Juggler lives elsewhere, the SO works nights, the Exotic lives overseas) and so I'm pulling up all this stuff and pretending it's important. It's not. What's really important?

I hate you all. I need you, right now, and no one's here for me. I'm there for you when you need me, why are you not here for me? This is not fair. I'm lonely.

I don't really hate anyone, of course. I'm just lonely and that ends up fluctuating through a whole bunch of wild defense emotions, like anger and resentment. Realistically I'm not going to do anything about it, not yet -- maybe call the Juggler if he's still up but I've been monopolising him lately and I don't want to interfere in his time with the Other Woman -- but it would take a whole bunch of major changes that I'm not willing to make to find some way not to be alone at night. I don't have more to give another person, or more time for another person, and none of the three can accommodate right now. So, famine in the midst of plenty. Water, water everywhere... but no drinking. A little salt in the stew and the mornings are sweeter for their companionship if I only make it through this unscathed.

It sure gets me through my other issues while I'm procrastinating.

Love is remaining open to another even when it hurts, even when the open hole leaks internal fluids because it's momentarily empty.

Comments

[darthmaus.livejournal.com]

I hate you all. I need you, right now, and no one's here for me. I'm there for you when you need me, why are you not here for me? This is not fair. I'm lonely.

When Hubby was working a lot of hours, and NerdBoy and PrettyLady were busy, and MadcapMan was in another city, I felt the same way. So, so lonely. And I was going through a nasty depression, too. It sucked. I had noone -- I was giving all my energy to the people around me, because I love them and they needed it, and nobody had any to spare when I needed it.

Please call here if you feel that way. I can't promise that it will *always* be a good time to spend hours on the phone, but I can't stand the thought of you feeling like that unnecessarily.

And, if I observe correctly, it seems to be working just fine even as I type :)

Learning Experience.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Someday I'll learn that I can actually depend on people who aren't actively expressing interest and/or pursuing me at the time. I promise. Until then I will take you up on your very generous offer and pretend I believe it. If I do that enough then maybe the skepticism will break down. It worked with the SO...

Thank you.