Getting Worse...
Jun. 20th, 2003 03:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstorm4am, or just about.
Sleep was nice, sure. What was not nice about it was this: now I'm awake at 4am, and like everyone else tonight I am indeed burning. No doubt Wik torched this off with his icon. I just got the cute pun 'today'.
If I'd stayed up and kept hammering at the Other House's phone I would have... got a hold of them in a Discussion, but at least maybe got a hold of them. I could have contacted someone else, whatever.
I kind of forfeited that by going to sleep. Right now the only person who might be up is the Exotic, who is not at school right now so I could get a hold of him, but I'm scared of him right now. I have a lot of trouble trusting a complete feather-light cushion after the stuff we've been through in the last month, and any sort of jarring of that support-cushion would sublimate all this weirdness into anger and I'd do something stupid.
So here's just me, four or five weeks into this weekly cycle and no doubt partway through a bigger one. Let's hope this is a low point, but somehow I have the nagging suspicion that tomorrow night might be worse. If the Other Two are in tension that's not a good place for me to be right now. I already tend to feel as if I give to the Other Woman without having the guts to take from her in return; I have nothing to give right now but if she's upset/dissonant then I'll shelve that and go into my helpful routine.
I don't want to be helpful. I don't want to focus on other people and pretend I feel just fine. Sure, I can and will get through this no matter whether I help someone else or not, and so I might as well help them because who knows if they're as strong? But still, what about me?
They haven't seen a real, true breakdown yet. I haven't had one in some time. Can I afford the luxury? If I descend into screaming madness will they be gentle or will they simply flee? Will they resent me for it, will they feel how utterly strange I am then? Push the cuckoo's egg out of its nest and go about their lives?
Worse, will they understand? I don't know how that would work. I don't know at all.
Will they care for me still if I take and don't give?
It doesn't matter, I guess. Tonight I'm alone, and there's no one here to understand me or to flee. I could try to analyse my way through this but it's just the loneliness and the envy together and my eyes hurt like someone got ground steel wool in them. I'm tired. I want to rest, and to wake up rested.
I'd like to know that there's someone in the world who'd be willing to dedicate a twelve-hour span to just holding me and maybe reading to me, or talking just a little sometimes. I fantasize, sometimes, that I'll feel like this and someday someone will either live with me or show up at the door, make me some hot chocolate, tuck me in, just be with me. That there'll be a response on that level, an actual alteration of someone else's activity. That I'll feel like this is important to someone.
TOW called, once, when I felt like this. That's kind of frightening because, as I said above, I don't 'trust' her to relax into. But she did it. How much worse is it to know it can be done and that it doesn't help because my own trust limitations prevent it from helping? The world offers, you have only to learn how to reach out your hand, and I can't yet.
Why is it always learning? Why can't I just... have something, sometime? Taunted through the bars of the cage until I break it? Okay, realistically I've had quite a bit just given me, how's that for a realistic note to destroy a good train of angst? But it doesn't make me feel better about this. I'm still lonely. So nyah.
I wonder if some weirdness about The Other Woman comes from the strength of her relationship with the Juggler combined with the... importance of my relationship with him, to me? So that I worry about 'taking him away from her' when I enjoy bits of him that she doesn't share with him, I worry that if I get enough out of this it's taking away from that, that his prior and stronger commitment means that I'm unimportant, that I'm some sort of a weird add-on to a functioning unit and so what use am I, really?
That I'm just convenient, because he has habits surrounding how to deal with people like me and so falls into them without considering whether he actually wants this or not?
Oh, I'm dark tonight. It's impossible to think these things about him when I'm in his presence; he makes too much sense for them. but I can only remember that intellectually, right now. What I need is to call him up and say: Juggler, tell me I'm important to you. Tell me you really like me. Tell me you really want this. He'd answer, and that would be all I need.
It is, however, four in the morning, and he has work tomorrow and is impossible to wake in any case. The Exotic I'd normally have no issue waking up, and he's awake. The SO I'd wake up sometimes, and he's unavailable.
Damn, damn. I need to learn how to live through these. I can't just keep collecting until I have someone to fill every second of the day -- I'm at a comfortable stretch right now. Maybe I need to learn how to trust a friendship, something where the person isn't bound to me by sex, but that's so hard. So hard. It requires friends that can live through my kicking and screaming stage when I just decide to do it and force myself to go along -- or just a bunch of time, but this time is so precious and I'm losing it while I work slowly. I'm getting old. Don't laugh. Look what The Other Couple's accomplished and where they are, and I'm not even close to that. I'm already behind on that, I can't get to where they are when they're there. If I ever do I'll be older... and there will be less time left to enjoy it.
I miss you, tonight. I hope you're sleeping well. I hope there's peace out there, that the burning has left warmed ashes in the grate. I wish you the best of everything, as much of it as you can take.
Goodnight.
Sleep was nice, sure. What was not nice about it was this: now I'm awake at 4am, and like everyone else tonight I am indeed burning. No doubt Wik torched this off with his icon. I just got the cute pun 'today'.
If I'd stayed up and kept hammering at the Other House's phone I would have... got a hold of them in a Discussion, but at least maybe got a hold of them. I could have contacted someone else, whatever.
I kind of forfeited that by going to sleep. Right now the only person who might be up is the Exotic, who is not at school right now so I could get a hold of him, but I'm scared of him right now. I have a lot of trouble trusting a complete feather-light cushion after the stuff we've been through in the last month, and any sort of jarring of that support-cushion would sublimate all this weirdness into anger and I'd do something stupid.
So here's just me, four or five weeks into this weekly cycle and no doubt partway through a bigger one. Let's hope this is a low point, but somehow I have the nagging suspicion that tomorrow night might be worse. If the Other Two are in tension that's not a good place for me to be right now. I already tend to feel as if I give to the Other Woman without having the guts to take from her in return; I have nothing to give right now but if she's upset/dissonant then I'll shelve that and go into my helpful routine.
I don't want to be helpful. I don't want to focus on other people and pretend I feel just fine. Sure, I can and will get through this no matter whether I help someone else or not, and so I might as well help them because who knows if they're as strong? But still, what about me?
They haven't seen a real, true breakdown yet. I haven't had one in some time. Can I afford the luxury? If I descend into screaming madness will they be gentle or will they simply flee? Will they resent me for it, will they feel how utterly strange I am then? Push the cuckoo's egg out of its nest and go about their lives?
Worse, will they understand? I don't know how that would work. I don't know at all.
Will they care for me still if I take and don't give?
It doesn't matter, I guess. Tonight I'm alone, and there's no one here to understand me or to flee. I could try to analyse my way through this but it's just the loneliness and the envy together and my eyes hurt like someone got ground steel wool in them. I'm tired. I want to rest, and to wake up rested.
I'd like to know that there's someone in the world who'd be willing to dedicate a twelve-hour span to just holding me and maybe reading to me, or talking just a little sometimes. I fantasize, sometimes, that I'll feel like this and someday someone will either live with me or show up at the door, make me some hot chocolate, tuck me in, just be with me. That there'll be a response on that level, an actual alteration of someone else's activity. That I'll feel like this is important to someone.
TOW called, once, when I felt like this. That's kind of frightening because, as I said above, I don't 'trust' her to relax into. But she did it. How much worse is it to know it can be done and that it doesn't help because my own trust limitations prevent it from helping? The world offers, you have only to learn how to reach out your hand, and I can't yet.
Why is it always learning? Why can't I just... have something, sometime? Taunted through the bars of the cage until I break it? Okay, realistically I've had quite a bit just given me, how's that for a realistic note to destroy a good train of angst? But it doesn't make me feel better about this. I'm still lonely. So nyah.
I wonder if some weirdness about The Other Woman comes from the strength of her relationship with the Juggler combined with the... importance of my relationship with him, to me? So that I worry about 'taking him away from her' when I enjoy bits of him that she doesn't share with him, I worry that if I get enough out of this it's taking away from that, that his prior and stronger commitment means that I'm unimportant, that I'm some sort of a weird add-on to a functioning unit and so what use am I, really?
That I'm just convenient, because he has habits surrounding how to deal with people like me and so falls into them without considering whether he actually wants this or not?
Oh, I'm dark tonight. It's impossible to think these things about him when I'm in his presence; he makes too much sense for them. but I can only remember that intellectually, right now. What I need is to call him up and say: Juggler, tell me I'm important to you. Tell me you really like me. Tell me you really want this. He'd answer, and that would be all I need.
It is, however, four in the morning, and he has work tomorrow and is impossible to wake in any case. The Exotic I'd normally have no issue waking up, and he's awake. The SO I'd wake up sometimes, and he's unavailable.
Damn, damn. I need to learn how to live through these. I can't just keep collecting until I have someone to fill every second of the day -- I'm at a comfortable stretch right now. Maybe I need to learn how to trust a friendship, something where the person isn't bound to me by sex, but that's so hard. So hard. It requires friends that can live through my kicking and screaming stage when I just decide to do it and force myself to go along -- or just a bunch of time, but this time is so precious and I'm losing it while I work slowly. I'm getting old. Don't laugh. Look what The Other Couple's accomplished and where they are, and I'm not even close to that. I'm already behind on that, I can't get to where they are when they're there. If I ever do I'll be older... and there will be less time left to enjoy it.
I miss you, tonight. I hope you're sleeping well. I hope there's peace out there, that the burning has left warmed ashes in the grate. I wish you the best of everything, as much of it as you can take.
Goodnight.
no subject
Date: 2003-06-20 08:53 am (UTC)I know this is your internal dialogue and you're not addressing me, and that these are your darkness-of-a-sleepless-night thoughts and not necessarily a good picture of you, blah blah blah. But I can't help but think that you might talk to me and/or Juggler about some of it and end up feeling better about some of it, or at least with a better idea of your relationship with him, or more friends to turn to (yes, friends, and yes I know it's scary). Maybe I'm wrong, so I'll leave that up to you, out of a fear of being intrusive.
But one thing does need addressing:
this time is so precious and I'm losing it while I work slowly. I'm getting old. Don't laugh. Look what The Other Couple's accomplished and where they are, and I'm not even close to that. I'm already behind on that, I can't get to where they are when they're there. If I ever do I'll be older... and there will be less time left to enjoy it.
You are not working slowly. You are miles ahead of most people with much more experience than you have had. In so many ways, you're miles ahead of me. TOC has had around 25% more time on earth than you have had -- so incredibly much can happen in that time. Check up on yourself again in 5 years. The place I was in 5 or 6 years ago wasn't pretty. This is growth and it takes time -- you are but an egg (and believe me, so am I). A remarkable, beautiful egg -- but an egg nonetheless.
It's the journey, not the destination -- I know that's an old, tired sentiment, but the reason it's gotten old and tired is that it's *true*. Enjoy the ride. Yes, I really do feel like that, even after the relatively miserable night. It's the journey, and darnit I'm excited to find out what's around that bend I can't see past.
'Nuff of my soapboxing. Have a good time biking this evening with Juggler -- I'll be home around midnight-ish, whereupon I think that snuggles and good talking and tea would be nice, if you are in agreement.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2003-06-20 08:54 am (UTC)--TOW
as if you couldn't tell ;-)
no subject
Date: 2003-06-20 09:32 am (UTC)I was -sure- you were my mother for awhile.
(trust me, it's funny)
(okay, maybe not. But I'm tired)
no subject
Date: 2003-06-20 03:06 pm (UTC)--SO
no subject
Date: 2003-06-20 09:38 am (UTC)It's, yes, a lot harder for me to get you all together to talk about my stuff, partially because I'd be equally terrified of understanding and lack thereof.
Sometime, yes, it will happen. When the stars align, when I'm feeling brave, when we all seem to be non-busy for an evening and no one else is going off badly. Or, given that nothing's perfect, maybe just when I'm feeling brave. I honestly am not sure it would help, given that that's the non-sane part of my mind working, but you guys have a right to know what's going on in there.
As for the rest? I'm not where I want to be. I've been too much riding lately to enjoy the scenery and I can't relax and look around right now because there's too much in the way. I want the journey to gentle such that I can at least see where I am without rushing headlong through something.
I wish I could freeze the SOs and pull them out when I needed them so I could slow things down like that a bit. ;)
Enjoy the concert, I'll see you tonight. :)