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greenstormA poem.
http://www.livejournal.com/community/greatpoets/706341.html
And, by the way, I'm feeling really good. :/ Um, funny face because I'm slightly suspicious of the high level of communication in my current sig. relationship. I expect it to stop, or be deceptive, or something. As it is, the sheer honesty of it's letting me be honest back, which gives my weird squirmies nowhere to hide, and instead lets me do what I -want- to do, not what I tend to do on the cusp of jagged emotions that I'm trying to suppress. In short, it's making me a better person (?). Please let this last? I'm regaining it with Juggler too, which is such a relief. After the last year and a half I feel sane again. I can ask for what I want. I can let things go. I can almost even trust.
So the poem is a bit off my mood, but oh well?
Downloaded a ton (1500 megs?) of Chopin piano stuff. It's good. I love piano music.
And... I dunno. It feels so weird to think of the low level of conflict in this relationship. Weird. Is anyone else shaking their heads at me? Because I haven't, before, started a new relationship after an old one had ended, I'd never had a 'failed' relationship to compare the start to. So half my mind says, hey, they all start feeling like you're being honest and have great communication. The other half says: but, uh, we're pretty much communicating well abotu everything, I don't see arenas in which there are dark shadows lurking. My (newly sensible) centre says: yeah, well, the future will come. It's generally what you make it. Don't worry.
Watched the original Star Wars trilogy. I'd never seen Return of the Jedi, I don't think, before. Very interesting. Han Solo's the most dynamic character in the thing, with Darth Vader second, Luke too busy being a developing hero to be a developing character, and Leia just there to be window dressing. You can do amazing amounts of neat characterisation over the course of three movies, though.
I've been having some happy-poly experiences with Chris lately, which is like water on parched earth. It's good to realise that all the things I once felt, especially with Kynnin when he met Mouse and when he and I were first talking about poly, are still there. That is, I still feel compersion, joy in other people's joy, lust in others' lust, the whole empathy-for-good thing. I can let things down a bit and trust, sort the important from the unimportant sometimes, and just enjoy the ones that actually aren't threats. So far, of course.
I'd been afraid I'd lost those abilities.
The thing about trust is that, when you start looking for things to back it up, then it isn't trust. Then it's science. Trust is when you don't look, you just close your eyes and believe.
The other thing is that there's trust in specific areas, and then there's global trust. Global trust is scary. It's complicated, when you go to think it out. I think it's sometimes okay, though. Not, I trust you to do what I say all the time, nor... I don't know. I don't know. I'm all warm-blanket-fresh-from-the-dryer feeling right now, and I wanna keep that feeling. I like it. I want to look at bad things and think, this is the exception and not the rule-- something I tend not to do even when objective evidence points the other way. Erm, I'm not sure if I'm making progress or if circumstances are just better, but I'm doing that more, and it's good.
I think I'm not doomed to always be a bad person, to do what I think is reasonable and always be told that my sense of reason is really whacked. That sense of desperately trying to do what other people want of me, and always doing it wrong, is long gone. Now I try to do what I think makes sense, and when I change that, it's cause someone's talked to me and something else now makes sense.
Just like rain. Gentle rain, on ground that's still crusty in bits and so the raindrops fall and sit on the dry earth without soaking in for a bit, but eventually the moisture wicks in and richens dru brown dust into rich black soil. Heh. There we go, fertility images. I'm me again. :)
http://www.livejournal.com/community/greatpoets/706341.html
And, by the way, I'm feeling really good. :/ Um, funny face because I'm slightly suspicious of the high level of communication in my current sig. relationship. I expect it to stop, or be deceptive, or something. As it is, the sheer honesty of it's letting me be honest back, which gives my weird squirmies nowhere to hide, and instead lets me do what I -want- to do, not what I tend to do on the cusp of jagged emotions that I'm trying to suppress. In short, it's making me a better person (?). Please let this last? I'm regaining it with Juggler too, which is such a relief. After the last year and a half I feel sane again. I can ask for what I want. I can let things go. I can almost even trust.
So the poem is a bit off my mood, but oh well?
Downloaded a ton (1500 megs?) of Chopin piano stuff. It's good. I love piano music.
And... I dunno. It feels so weird to think of the low level of conflict in this relationship. Weird. Is anyone else shaking their heads at me? Because I haven't, before, started a new relationship after an old one had ended, I'd never had a 'failed' relationship to compare the start to. So half my mind says, hey, they all start feeling like you're being honest and have great communication. The other half says: but, uh, we're pretty much communicating well abotu everything, I don't see arenas in which there are dark shadows lurking. My (newly sensible) centre says: yeah, well, the future will come. It's generally what you make it. Don't worry.
Watched the original Star Wars trilogy. I'd never seen Return of the Jedi, I don't think, before. Very interesting. Han Solo's the most dynamic character in the thing, with Darth Vader second, Luke too busy being a developing hero to be a developing character, and Leia just there to be window dressing. You can do amazing amounts of neat characterisation over the course of three movies, though.
I've been having some happy-poly experiences with Chris lately, which is like water on parched earth. It's good to realise that all the things I once felt, especially with Kynnin when he met Mouse and when he and I were first talking about poly, are still there. That is, I still feel compersion, joy in other people's joy, lust in others' lust, the whole empathy-for-good thing. I can let things down a bit and trust, sort the important from the unimportant sometimes, and just enjoy the ones that actually aren't threats. So far, of course.
I'd been afraid I'd lost those abilities.
The thing about trust is that, when you start looking for things to back it up, then it isn't trust. Then it's science. Trust is when you don't look, you just close your eyes and believe.
The other thing is that there's trust in specific areas, and then there's global trust. Global trust is scary. It's complicated, when you go to think it out. I think it's sometimes okay, though. Not, I trust you to do what I say all the time, nor... I don't know. I don't know. I'm all warm-blanket-fresh-from-the-dryer feeling right now, and I wanna keep that feeling. I like it. I want to look at bad things and think, this is the exception and not the rule-- something I tend not to do even when objective evidence points the other way. Erm, I'm not sure if I'm making progress or if circumstances are just better, but I'm doing that more, and it's good.
I think I'm not doomed to always be a bad person, to do what I think is reasonable and always be told that my sense of reason is really whacked. That sense of desperately trying to do what other people want of me, and always doing it wrong, is long gone. Now I try to do what I think makes sense, and when I change that, it's cause someone's talked to me and something else now makes sense.
Just like rain. Gentle rain, on ground that's still crusty in bits and so the raindrops fall and sit on the dry earth without soaking in for a bit, but eventually the moisture wicks in and richens dru brown dust into rich black soil. Heh. There we go, fertility images. I'm me again. :)
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no subject
Date: 2004-12-10 12:19 pm (UTC)By the way, I should have the Nine Days mp3 uploaded sometime this weekend. I'll let you know.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-10 03:56 pm (UTC)I think you summed this up very well indeed.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-10 04:30 pm (UTC)*then steals shamelessly for her own LJ*
You are an amazing woman, Greenie.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-10 07:35 pm (UTC)You deserve to be happy.