Dear Goodness.

[greenstorm]

I am *tired*.

So much househunting. So much runaround. Nice day with mom and her friend with my head out of it at the boat show, but now I have to come home and pack and cleanup, ideally at least cleanup before tomorrow, because the house is being shown then. Then I need to be at Chris' for the Chinese New Year thing by 11, where there will be strangers who are really important to him who I've never met (and he's spent the evening at a club partying and dancing with them while I throw my past in the garbage at home, I feel pretty lonely and... dunno, substanceless).

I wanna hide under the bed. Actually I wanna hide in the bed, but all my stuff is on it.

I leave my rats at home alone too much.

I want a boat, a little twenty-seven footer or so, that's mine and no one else's. I can live there with the rats and let the water rock me. It's amazing how much you miss the rocking of the boat when you're lonely, if you've ever lived on the sea - at least for me. The sea was always something that loved me that was bigger than I was.

Why do I always end up with boyfriends who don't like coming over to my place? Well, I know that - because I always like to see them more often than they like to see me, and that's the way I get that.

This sounds so angsty, but I'm not angsty, exactly. Just lonely and need a good cry, ideally with someone hugging me, and everyone's busy. Going through my clothes to throw them out (well, donate, whatever) is oddly traumatising, or maybe that's just another move talking.

Comments

[d-corvin.livejournal.com]

Moving always brings me to tears, for a whole bunch of reasons. The want to stop with the annoyance of moving every year, going through all my worldly posessions and reliving the memories that each toy/clothing article brings up. A whole lot of things. Plus, the actual packing is something that I've always done alone. Friends may help you with on the actual move day, but no one thinks to help you pack. ;) I'm in the same boat for girlfriends, though. I always end up being the one who does the driving/visiting, which for me ends up being 500 mile trips.

Anyway, that's all I've got to say on that. If you ever need me, you know how to find me.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

I looked for you, but you weren't on... and again now. Must be all that work.

[d-corvin.livejournal.com]

The first time, I was accidently darked... the second time I was asleep. I've @mailed you my cell # so that way you can at least prod me. I'm really sorry about seemingly not being around.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Silly, you've no need to apologise for, like, having a life and stuff.

I was wondering if you hung out dark or not. :>

[polypagangirl.livejournal.com]

I have had that feeling too - wanting to hide in my bed but can't, because there is so much crap on it. I want to be alone, but i don't want to be lonely - Catch 22. Hmmm. That didn't really make sense or fit here, but apparently i needed to say that anyway . . . so i won't delete it.

Anyway, your own boat sounds heavenly - what a marvelous way to hide from the world. Sort of like my island. It sounds like you have actually done that before (live in a boat) - have you? I am too afraid of the ocean to have my own boat though. I think MY boat would be an RV - a land boat - my own house on wheels and i can just up and go away whenever i want. But i can imgine the solitude that a boat could bring that an RV can't.

I'm sorry that all i can offer you is a virtual hug, but i will send one anyways. *biiiig hug*

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I went out to one of the smaller islands (well, not Vancouver Island) for the first time the other day. You almost don't need a boat! The outside was so present, there.

Boats don't tend to bring solitude to my mind, because they're generally moored in busy marinas. It's the ocean that makes them wonderful, that sense of something bigger than me that never goes away.

That's why the rats are so important to me, they're not bigger than me, but they're something that always loves me. Even when other people have old friends come into town, or are busy, or have other girlfriends, or are tired, or just plain don't care - the rats alway slike to interact.

[polypagangirl.livejournal.com]

Oh, i know - i love living on a little island. I love crossing that moat - an ocean voyage - every time i come home from all the trappings of the big city. All the tension and stress from the crazy drivers and too many people melt away during that voyage. It's slower here - most people don't even lock their doors - they let their kids hitchhike. The ocean is in the air. It's a different world. :)

About boats - well yeah - boats in a marina wouldn't bring solitude, would they? :P It would bring a busy, close-knit community feeling i would think. Too close-knit for my liking. I don't want to even see my neighbours. Anyway, it is the ocean, like you said, that would bring that solitude, where as long as it didn't whip up into a frenzy, which it can do in moments (hence the reason for my fear of it), then all would be wonderful.

I'm glad you have your rats - someone to always love you. That is a really good thing to have. You simply can't rely on love from other people for reasons you already mentioned. I have cats, and they tend to be like people - really fickle at times. A rat's love is pretty stable i would think - not moody like cats and people - a rare thing in this chaotic world we live in. :)

Hmm. I would imagine that a dog's love would be pretty damn stable too. *thinks about that, then realizes that dogs are like having a life-long child that never grows up - then abandons the idea . . . for now*

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

That's the thing. You can either get something without hooking into the lifelong responsibility, and have it die on you in two to six years-- or you can take the responsibility, for a long long time.

It'll be sad when my rats die. I've promised myself I'll get more, and bury them under something nice, though.

I love frenzy on the ocean - but only if there's a good port nearby.

The idea of hitchhiking still scares me, even out there. I love the idea, though, that graffiti on Salt Spring isn't permanent property damage about territorial marking stuff, it's a sheet hung from a building (easily removable) and spraypainted with 'you're beautiful'.

[polypagangirl.livejournal.com]

About hitchhiking - yeah, i'm not too fond of it either, and only let my daughter do it if she is with friend. It is the normal way for kids to travel on this island. I don't know if i would even CONSIDER letting her if we were on Salt Spring though - it's way larger.

I like that Salt Spring graffiti idea though. :) Unfortunately, we have the real stuff here. Not a lot of it, but a little. With 1/3 of the population of a small island being under 18, with absolutely nothing to do, i guess some of the kids go the wrong way. What little crime we have here is usually kid based A break-in involving stolen alcohol, a little vandalism or a kid's car almost going off the edge of a cliff.

Although occasionally we do get some mainlanders too, who have to wait in the ferry lineup with their booty. :P Or that big chase a couple of years ago (really big news here) when the cops were chasing a thief who missed his ferry. The thief drove as far as he could (the edge of the island), then frantically stole a kayak and paddled away without his booty. He ended up being caught - he couldn't get away fast enough :P

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

That's suc a funny image.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

I do have. They don't arrange their lives so that one is always available to me, however.

[catmcroy.livejournal.com]

I am sorry. Moving truly sucks.