Vacat-o-weekend?
Mar. 23rd, 2005 07:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormThis weekend everyone's going out of town- well, Juggler, Angus, a bunch of Chris' other friends, etc, are all going.
Mom may take the boat out. If she does, I plan to be on it.
Chris and I haven't been seeing each other much. There's a LARP session on Sunday, which in that context will be really weird. We tend to need to give each other a bunch of space after a session, and feeling distanced already I'm curious as to how that'll turn out.
I'm not freaking out quite so much today, but I've really been swinging since the juggling festival at the beginning of the month, which was also the time I settled into my new house, which was also the time my rats had their operation, which was also the time I started to have free time, which was also the time I stopped seeing much of Chris. Having written that list, sure, maybe I was entitled to a bit of freaking out. And, I dunno, having time like that with the Juggler... bah.
The thing about me is that it really is only when I have it good that I worry. When things are bad, I'm good at shoving everything down and just hanging in there. What a skill, hm?
I've been working on it, and I'd got a lot better, but I've done some backsliding here. The renewed intimacy with the Juggler made it feel like there was mroe to lose, suddenly, and so of course I worry about losing it. I'm worried about the Kynnin thing, too. I haven't talked to him in forever, and it has to happen soon, and there was no negotiated ending to the relationship -- we just stopped talking. So I've got this whole mound of feelings that are being unearthed, that were left unresolved at the time. And, of course, right now I'm very aware that I still love him, and he'll always be irreplacable.
Does that sound strange to you non-poly people, that I'm dating two guys and yet some other guy isn't 'replaced' or do you understand it?
Anyhow, Kynnin was always the person I wanted to have babies and a family with, if I was gonna do that sort of thing. He's not... I don't know, most people I've been with there's a challenge, there's the feeling I need to live up to being equals with them, where with Kynnin we just felt level. And that I haven't had with anyone else, neither the former nor the latter. Well, I did wanna have Jan's babies, but that was a physical sort of craving rather than a mental comfort thing.
So I think that's what I'm struggling with right now, and what I need to resolve. I never did end up calling my dad, and I think I'm at peace with that. I'm not gonna let this replace that.
Mom may take the boat out. If she does, I plan to be on it.
Chris and I haven't been seeing each other much. There's a LARP session on Sunday, which in that context will be really weird. We tend to need to give each other a bunch of space after a session, and feeling distanced already I'm curious as to how that'll turn out.
I'm not freaking out quite so much today, but I've really been swinging since the juggling festival at the beginning of the month, which was also the time I settled into my new house, which was also the time my rats had their operation, which was also the time I started to have free time, which was also the time I stopped seeing much of Chris. Having written that list, sure, maybe I was entitled to a bit of freaking out. And, I dunno, having time like that with the Juggler... bah.
The thing about me is that it really is only when I have it good that I worry. When things are bad, I'm good at shoving everything down and just hanging in there. What a skill, hm?
I've been working on it, and I'd got a lot better, but I've done some backsliding here. The renewed intimacy with the Juggler made it feel like there was mroe to lose, suddenly, and so of course I worry about losing it. I'm worried about the Kynnin thing, too. I haven't talked to him in forever, and it has to happen soon, and there was no negotiated ending to the relationship -- we just stopped talking. So I've got this whole mound of feelings that are being unearthed, that were left unresolved at the time. And, of course, right now I'm very aware that I still love him, and he'll always be irreplacable.
Does that sound strange to you non-poly people, that I'm dating two guys and yet some other guy isn't 'replaced' or do you understand it?
Anyhow, Kynnin was always the person I wanted to have babies and a family with, if I was gonna do that sort of thing. He's not... I don't know, most people I've been with there's a challenge, there's the feeling I need to live up to being equals with them, where with Kynnin we just felt level. And that I haven't had with anyone else, neither the former nor the latter. Well, I did wanna have Jan's babies, but that was a physical sort of craving rather than a mental comfort thing.
So I think that's what I'm struggling with right now, and what I need to resolve. I never did end up calling my dad, and I think I'm at peace with that. I'm not gonna let this replace that.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-03-24 06:14 am (UTC)Well, I'm poly, so it doesn't feel strange at all. I was dating a guy I really liked who went monogamous. And then I found a partner who has a lot of the same qualities I liked in the first guy, so I thought that would help me get over it. It didn't. I liked the first guy just for himself. So, the best way to get over someone isn't always to get under someone else.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-27 06:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-24 06:58 am (UTC)