Clarity

I've been reading Bertrand Russel's On Morals and Marriage or something like that today. Here's the thing: I really like it.

It's not that I agree with all the ideas in it, or even necessarily most of them, although I'm amused to find that he seems to be poly in nature thus far.

It's that his writing is beautifully, wonderfully, refreshingly clear. He uses things like, oh, thesis statements. There's a clear logical progression to his ideas when they have anything to do with logic. He at least makes an effort to state his sources, and when he doesn't you realise that they're probably full of because he does so well the rest of the time.

There's a massive amount of ignorance in there. There's a bunch of really weird stuff, ideawise, and he's definitely pretty mean to some people. But, man, it's nice writing.

There's even some humour thrown in once in awhile, humour that I find funny. So I'm pretty happy. It's nice that someone in the world can state what they're thinking and where it goes clearly, even if it's someone in a past world and in reference to stuff that doesn't exist so much anymore.

Clarity's a really good thing for me to have right now. My mind keeps muddying things up and it takes real effort to keep myself in my own business, in the things I can effect, and not to go beyond that. Things are simple if you can pare them down to the important parts, and I'm having trouble doing that, but I need to.

I've also got a massive random feeling of guilt hanging over me, still and again, which I'm starting to get really bloody pissed at. It's just on, a random brain-circuit tripped until it burns itself out, and I can't find anything that makes sense to be associated with it except perhaps having fun while I don't have a job.

I'm not really a mess before this folk fest, but I really do need it. I need to reaffirm my commitment to myself, to remind myself that I'm important to me, not to let myself get pulled out of line by other stuff. It really doesn't help to let that happen, even if it feels like it's 'helpful' and 'right' and 'proper.' I refuse to measure love in my life by the amount of suffering others can inflict on me. There are more important standards and meanings to the word.

But, enough of that. Care, and no doubt more later.

Evening Before.

The sun's set and someone is mowing the lawn outside our open window. It's a peaceful kind of sound even when I can't smell the grass, and I realise belatedly that it means I shouldn't walk around unclothed too close to the window if I'm worried about him noticing.

Or her, I suppose. I haven't looked out.

It's a bumpy evening. I was going to say, it's a bumpy evening suddenly, but that's not true. It's been a bumpy day but I knew in advance that my own stuff was a little weird and so I'd need to keep a leash on it.

Now some bumpy external elements have been introduced. I'm handling them badly, possibly, because I'm trying to hard to refuse any bumps in my stuff right now. I'm holding it together and avoiding any jarring that could make it all fly apart. So I'm not particularly reactive or sympathetic to those outside elements, and that sometimes translates into feeling that way about the bringer of the bumpy elements too.

And, of course, people bearing bumpy bits are not the kind of tolerant, supportive, listening and validating people that one might wish for sometimes. We all try, but it's so much harder. At least, I think we all try.

I'm not sure that it feels good being this controlled all the time. The SO will laugh for calling this controlled, but it really is. Actually, maybe he won't laugh. I used to be less so, even if there was less stuff to be unhappy about back then. Well, different kinds of stuff then, at least. Single-issue problems.

I used to think that if I could just get myself under control that everything would be okay. It's not. There are just as many complications; always choosing to make the same decision doesn't leave you free, after all, it just leaves you constrained in a different way. Granted, we are never free of consequences, but the freedom to choose which set of consequences you want is pretty great.

Here's the problem. A relationship is a partnership. It's some people working together for some goal, be that shared love and companionship or whatever, that's not important to this. Well, maybe it is.

So you've got some people going somewhere together. They've gotta decide on where they're going, or be coincidentally going the same sort of place. Otherwise someone ends up back that way on the road, and someone ends up in the opposite direction, doubly far apart, and they both say, "hey, look at my progress, why're you back there?"

But they also do need to go there together. If someone grabs, say, a motorcycle or a whip and by some means gets themselves pretty far ahead, you've got two issues. One, they're not together anymore. Two, the path they've taken might be a different one than the other person preferred, and they may never end up on the same road again. That's kind of a weird metaphor. It's not really going anywhere. This is what's going somewhere:

It's not enough for me to do a good job. I need to be assured the other person is trying, too, and has the same sense of which issues to try on that I do, and that they progress on them. Because I can't 'do' the relationship myself, no matter how good I get.

Man, that's hard. I can't hold any of it up by myself. There is /no way/ for me to support a relationship with another person completely on my own. They need to be in it too, and up to it.

I keep running up against this question in my life: is a relationship really worth it? Not so much this relationship, or that relationship, but any at all? Do I have to sacrifice 'individuality' for a relationship, always? Do I have to sacrifice 'morals' for a relationship? How much? Does that lessen me? How much will be left?

I like to do things perfectly, and if not perfectly than well. That's why i like my relationship with the SO so much; we're competent at it, now, finally, and even really good at it.

Can I deal with an incompetently-done relationship?

What do I consider competency to be?

These are just thoughts, applying to no one in particular but applicable to all, brought on by a convergence of a large number of events and thoughts and all sorts of other fun stuff. De-generalise at your own peril. Assume anything about me at your own peril, I guess.

The clench is just beginning to subside, now. Control over myself is becoming comfortable instead of oppressive. It's not absolute, so I don't feel as if I'm being taken advantage of by holding it all in, but instead like I can almost pick and choose what to relax control on. This is just tonight, you understand.

Tomorrow night at this time I'll be at the folk fest, probably at least with the SO, maybe even with other people. It'll be the last half-hour or two hours or whatever of dancing. I will be the most myself that I can be, I'll be myself without these thoughts and worries cluttering to get in the way.

I may not learn any huge truths, I may not have any revelatory experiences, but it will remind me why it's worth it. It'll remind me what's worth it. Dishes in the sink, loose ends not tied up, that won't matter. Just the stuff that really matters will matter.

Goodnight, for now.

Backpat

Really proud of myself. Have successfully been practicing the 'stop before you come to the very end of your reserves' style of relationship stuff. That is, limiting discussions to when I'm not extremely emotional and thus when self-control is not particularly hard.

It's difficult, but it seems to feel like 'the right thing' to do so far. We'll see how long that lasts, but I'm hopeful. But, mostly proud. I'm doing it!