Evening Before.
Jul. 24th, 2003 09:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormThe sun's set and someone is mowing the lawn outside our open window. It's a peaceful kind of sound even when I can't smell the grass, and I realise belatedly that it means I shouldn't walk around unclothed too close to the window if I'm worried about him noticing.
Or her, I suppose. I haven't looked out.
It's a bumpy evening. I was going to say, it's a bumpy evening suddenly, but that's not true. It's been a bumpy day but I knew in advance that my own stuff was a little weird and so I'd need to keep a leash on it.
Now some bumpy external elements have been introduced. I'm handling them badly, possibly, because I'm trying to hard to refuse any bumps in my stuff right now. I'm holding it together and avoiding any jarring that could make it all fly apart. So I'm not particularly reactive or sympathetic to those outside elements, and that sometimes translates into feeling that way about the bringer of the bumpy elements too.
And, of course, people bearing bumpy bits are not the kind of tolerant, supportive, listening and validating people that one might wish for sometimes. We all try, but it's so much harder. At least, I think we all try.
I'm not sure that it feels good being this controlled all the time. The SO will laugh for calling this controlled, but it really is. Actually, maybe he won't laugh. I used to be less so, even if there was less stuff to be unhappy about back then. Well, different kinds of stuff then, at least. Single-issue problems.
I used to think that if I could just get myself under control that everything would be okay. It's not. There are just as many complications; always choosing to make the same decision doesn't leave you free, after all, it just leaves you constrained in a different way. Granted, we are never free of consequences, but the freedom to choose which set of consequences you want is pretty great.
Here's the problem. A relationship is a partnership. It's some people working together for some goal, be that shared love and companionship or whatever, that's not important to this. Well, maybe it is.
So you've got some people going somewhere together. They've gotta decide on where they're going, or be coincidentally going the same sort of place. Otherwise someone ends up back that way on the road, and someone ends up in the opposite direction, doubly far apart, and they both say, "hey, look at my progress, why're you back there?"
But they also do need to go there together. If someone grabs, say, a motorcycle or a whip and by some means gets themselves pretty far ahead, you've got two issues. One, they're not together anymore. Two, the path they've taken might be a different one than the other person preferred, and they may never end up on the same road again. That's kind of a weird metaphor. It's not really going anywhere. This is what's going somewhere:
It's not enough for me to do a good job. I need to be assured the other person is trying, too, and has the same sense of which issues to try on that I do, and that they progress on them. Because I can't 'do' the relationship myself, no matter how good I get.
Man, that's hard. I can't hold any of it up by myself. There is /no way/ for me to support a relationship with another person completely on my own. They need to be in it too, and up to it.
I keep running up against this question in my life: is a relationship really worth it? Not so much this relationship, or that relationship, but any at all? Do I have to sacrifice 'individuality' for a relationship, always? Do I have to sacrifice 'morals' for a relationship? How much? Does that lessen me? How much will be left?
I like to do things perfectly, and if not perfectly than well. That's why i like my relationship with the SO so much; we're competent at it, now, finally, and even really good at it.
Can I deal with an incompetently-done relationship?
What do I consider competency to be?
These are just thoughts, applying to no one in particular but applicable to all, brought on by a convergence of a large number of events and thoughts and all sorts of other fun stuff. De-generalise at your own peril. Assume anything about me at your own peril, I guess.
The clench is just beginning to subside, now. Control over myself is becoming comfortable instead of oppressive. It's not absolute, so I don't feel as if I'm being taken advantage of by holding it all in, but instead like I can almost pick and choose what to relax control on. This is just tonight, you understand.
Tomorrow night at this time I'll be at the folk fest, probably at least with the SO, maybe even with other people. It'll be the last half-hour or two hours or whatever of dancing. I will be the most myself that I can be, I'll be myself without these thoughts and worries cluttering to get in the way.
I may not learn any huge truths, I may not have any revelatory experiences, but it will remind me why it's worth it. It'll remind me what's worth it. Dishes in the sink, loose ends not tied up, that won't matter. Just the stuff that really matters will matter.
Goodnight, for now.
Or her, I suppose. I haven't looked out.
It's a bumpy evening. I was going to say, it's a bumpy evening suddenly, but that's not true. It's been a bumpy day but I knew in advance that my own stuff was a little weird and so I'd need to keep a leash on it.
Now some bumpy external elements have been introduced. I'm handling them badly, possibly, because I'm trying to hard to refuse any bumps in my stuff right now. I'm holding it together and avoiding any jarring that could make it all fly apart. So I'm not particularly reactive or sympathetic to those outside elements, and that sometimes translates into feeling that way about the bringer of the bumpy elements too.
And, of course, people bearing bumpy bits are not the kind of tolerant, supportive, listening and validating people that one might wish for sometimes. We all try, but it's so much harder. At least, I think we all try.
I'm not sure that it feels good being this controlled all the time. The SO will laugh for calling this controlled, but it really is. Actually, maybe he won't laugh. I used to be less so, even if there was less stuff to be unhappy about back then. Well, different kinds of stuff then, at least. Single-issue problems.
I used to think that if I could just get myself under control that everything would be okay. It's not. There are just as many complications; always choosing to make the same decision doesn't leave you free, after all, it just leaves you constrained in a different way. Granted, we are never free of consequences, but the freedom to choose which set of consequences you want is pretty great.
Here's the problem. A relationship is a partnership. It's some people working together for some goal, be that shared love and companionship or whatever, that's not important to this. Well, maybe it is.
So you've got some people going somewhere together. They've gotta decide on where they're going, or be coincidentally going the same sort of place. Otherwise someone ends up back that way on the road, and someone ends up in the opposite direction, doubly far apart, and they both say, "hey, look at my progress, why're you back there?"
But they also do need to go there together. If someone grabs, say, a motorcycle or a whip and by some means gets themselves pretty far ahead, you've got two issues. One, they're not together anymore. Two, the path they've taken might be a different one than the other person preferred, and they may never end up on the same road again. That's kind of a weird metaphor. It's not really going anywhere. This is what's going somewhere:
It's not enough for me to do a good job. I need to be assured the other person is trying, too, and has the same sense of which issues to try on that I do, and that they progress on them. Because I can't 'do' the relationship myself, no matter how good I get.
Man, that's hard. I can't hold any of it up by myself. There is /no way/ for me to support a relationship with another person completely on my own. They need to be in it too, and up to it.
I keep running up against this question in my life: is a relationship really worth it? Not so much this relationship, or that relationship, but any at all? Do I have to sacrifice 'individuality' for a relationship, always? Do I have to sacrifice 'morals' for a relationship? How much? Does that lessen me? How much will be left?
I like to do things perfectly, and if not perfectly than well. That's why i like my relationship with the SO so much; we're competent at it, now, finally, and even really good at it.
Can I deal with an incompetently-done relationship?
What do I consider competency to be?
These are just thoughts, applying to no one in particular but applicable to all, brought on by a convergence of a large number of events and thoughts and all sorts of other fun stuff. De-generalise at your own peril. Assume anything about me at your own peril, I guess.
The clench is just beginning to subside, now. Control over myself is becoming comfortable instead of oppressive. It's not absolute, so I don't feel as if I'm being taken advantage of by holding it all in, but instead like I can almost pick and choose what to relax control on. This is just tonight, you understand.
Tomorrow night at this time I'll be at the folk fest, probably at least with the SO, maybe even with other people. It'll be the last half-hour or two hours or whatever of dancing. I will be the most myself that I can be, I'll be myself without these thoughts and worries cluttering to get in the way.
I may not learn any huge truths, I may not have any revelatory experiences, but it will remind me why it's worth it. It'll remind me what's worth it. Dishes in the sink, loose ends not tied up, that won't matter. Just the stuff that really matters will matter.
Goodnight, for now.
