Busy!

Busybusy! It's picked up again, as I knew it would. Everything is so cyclic. I come out of the mellow period with red hair, some faith in The System of which I am a part, a bunch of living things, and nooo time. I'm going to see about taking this weekend completely off work, but it may not happen -- my choice, but still. It'll only be a couple of hours of work anyhow, I guess. I may even be able to fit it in while everyone else is still asleep...

The rats are growing bigger, though not as alarmingly fast as they were before. They retain astonishing enthusiasm for people who say! things! in! excited! voices! which is really cool. Almost new cage time for 'em.

I want to start planting in the greenhouse sooo badly. It's mid-April, I think I could get away with it, but would it be good for the tomatoes, or just gratifying to me to have everything out there? If it's too cold they do get set back, even if they don't die. I'm going to have to fight with the Juggler over greenhouse space - that or cough up money for some pepper cloches (don't need to be as tall) since he finded the greenhouse.

My indoor plants all need repotting, all couple dozen of them. *sigh* That'll be an undertaking, and where do I do it? On the livingroom floor?

I'm thinking of getting a vermicomposting bin for the deck here at the apartment, since I hate throwing away compostable stuff.

We got a new chair! I bought it yesterday, and we picked it up today. Actually, it's a big basket-y thing, and all the cushions from the couches-that-are-no-more will go into it. All I can fit, at least!

Does this read like an auto-generated entry yet?

Mrp.

Sex and More Sex

Okay, here's the thing. Well, it's two things, but anyhow...

So I'm in one of those periods of time (weeks?) where sex is pretty much all I can think about. Could be spring, could be any number of other random things, but that's where I am. And I'm not really talking about a quick fuck or two here -- it may be that what I actually want is intimacy, and it's coming out as a desire for sex, who knows.

There isn't a ton of interest/availability for the stuff that I want within my current setup right now. I don't know that it necessarily needs to be followed up on, but keep with my train of thought here.

So, I'm poly. It'd make sense for me to, you know, go find someone to have a bunch of sex with. Sure, there are some hoops to jump through to do that with me, some strings attached, but it should be a prospect that some compatible guy out there would find intriguing, right?

But, I find that suddenly, somehow, I'm afraid of guys. This is weird. When I first met the SO, I was fearless. I initiated that relationship with maybe a little nervousness, but it was fun, I enjoyed it, and there was nothing holding me back. The Juggler? Same. The Exotic? Same. I've never been afraid of any of my relationships.

Well, maybe six months ago, maybe longer ago, there was this big fear that came in. When sexual attraction entered the picture, I got scared. I get scared, ignore, run away, whatever. If I'm sitting there across the room from someone and feel that mutual-attraction tug, I don't turn and smile at him anymore. I look the other way and scowl, because I'm scared. So what's with that?

I'm not even sure what I'm scared of. It could be rejection, I suppose, that's pretty standard. It could be... I don't know. It feels like standard dark-alley fear of guys who'll beat you up and rape you, the kind associated with a lot of feminist rhetoric. It has nothing to do with anything the guys do, it's coming from inside myself when sex seems like an option. So...?

Yeah, so that kind of bothers me. I don't like having that kind of reaction. It's sorta bigoted, I can't think of any event that triggered it, and it's leaving me to miss out on possibly interesting guys. I want it to go away.

Anyone have any clue what I'm talking about?