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May. 7th, 2004
Self-Pity.
May. 7th, 2004 06:47 amYes, self-pity is ugly.
Still, on top of one bad situation with pretty much zero support from one of them, some more bad stuff with another, a heavy work-week, everyone spending a ton of time together without me this week, and all the other things I feel sorry for myself about and alone about, I have a stomach flu.
Fuck the world.
Especially, fuck happy people. I'm sorry, it's nothing personal.
At least I have a few minutes more snuggles with Estry before she needs to leave.
Still, on top of one bad situation with pretty much zero support from one of them, some more bad stuff with another, a heavy work-week, everyone spending a ton of time together without me this week, and all the other things I feel sorry for myself about and alone about, I have a stomach flu.
Fuck the world.
Especially, fuck happy people. I'm sorry, it's nothing personal.
At least I have a few minutes more snuggles with Estry before she needs to leave.
Length *and* Substance?
May. 7th, 2004 08:46 amYes, it may well be. My stomach's settled a bit. I'm sure you wanted to know that, right?
I woke up at four this morning. I'd been expecting to be woken by the guy; he'd especially asked me to clean up the livingroom so he could sleep out there, said he'd be quiet coming in, and asked if it was okay to come in and give me a kiss before he went to sleep. I said sure.
Four am, no guy, no call. I sat there wrestling with myself for a bit: there's part of my mind that says, 'hey stupid, he never calls if he's late or not coming home, why worry?' and there's that other part of my mind that says, 'but he said all this stuff, and this isn't a good part of town at night, and he was bussing...' I watched the sky go from as black as it ever gets here to sunrise blue, that colour before any striping or detail appears. If I'd looked down, the roads would have been shining. They always do before dawn like that. An owl floated past the window. I'd never seen an owl before, they really do float, and this one was so very white. It may have been some other colour, but in the morning when everything's shining it was white.
I called the place where he was, and undoubtedly made someone unhappy by waking them up, and it turns out he'd just decided to crash there. Chalk one up for the 'hey stupid, he never calls' side of my mind. Someday it may overwhelm the worried side, who knows?
I'm thinking more and more about making some sort of a semi-permanent move to the boat until he figures stuff out about moving. On the one hand, yeah, I do pay a bunch of rent here and feel like I have some right to the space and I also want to be with him -- I do still want that. It was really hard, though, first to be worrying about him in the firstr place, and second to know that, well... he was happy over there with everyone else, and he didn't owe me a call or anything. You know, it's not pretty, but that does hurt me right now. I seem to be bottom of the heap for dating priorities in my circle, and I think if I 'need' time with someone and can't get it I'd rather not have it rubbed in my face that everyone else is getting what they want, when they want it, and generally under their own conditions.
I've considered, a number of times, just dropping contact with all of them altogether. I think it would be a shorter, sharper, and less lasting kind of pain, but I would probably regret it. I've tended to run away from hard things in my life, and regretted it.
I know this isn't very generous of me.
I wish I could reassure myself 100% that it's okay to be upset now. Intellectually I do think, wow, what a lot of changes and stuff that could reasonably be expected to make you upset. Still, I don't feel like I have a right to it. I feel like if I'm not bright and cheerful and grateful for anything I get, that then I get nothing. I feel like this is going to be trivialised -- oh, she's just being angsty, or oh, I don't like angst.
I mean, I know things will be okay again later, eventually, at some point. I know I'll have some sort of setup that makes me happy at some point in my life. There are, you know, things to live for. This hurts now, though. Does the fact that it won't hurt forever, that other people might hurt more or also, does that make this matter less? It matters to me.
There's something sort of magical about having someone hold you when you cry. It feels really cared-for, it's someone accepting that you're hurt and offering you what comfort they can. Everyone has that, in the beginning, with their mothers. I'm lucky to have had it with other people in the past. I'm lucky to have it, very on and off, now. I suppose I shouldn't complain that I don't have it this minute.
I've been working myself pretty hard lately. I've been spending a lot of my free time accomodating other people -- volunteer work, mostly, and a bunch of 'sure, I'll hold this time open for a date'. I think I need to take a couple of days off all that and hang out at wreck beach -- I still haven't got there this summer. If I schedule some days off it'll likely rain, but hey, you do what you can. Where's a nice, outside, not-cold place to be when it rains in Vancouver?
I woke up at four this morning. I'd been expecting to be woken by the guy; he'd especially asked me to clean up the livingroom so he could sleep out there, said he'd be quiet coming in, and asked if it was okay to come in and give me a kiss before he went to sleep. I said sure.
Four am, no guy, no call. I sat there wrestling with myself for a bit: there's part of my mind that says, 'hey stupid, he never calls if he's late or not coming home, why worry?' and there's that other part of my mind that says, 'but he said all this stuff, and this isn't a good part of town at night, and he was bussing...' I watched the sky go from as black as it ever gets here to sunrise blue, that colour before any striping or detail appears. If I'd looked down, the roads would have been shining. They always do before dawn like that. An owl floated past the window. I'd never seen an owl before, they really do float, and this one was so very white. It may have been some other colour, but in the morning when everything's shining it was white.
I called the place where he was, and undoubtedly made someone unhappy by waking them up, and it turns out he'd just decided to crash there. Chalk one up for the 'hey stupid, he never calls' side of my mind. Someday it may overwhelm the worried side, who knows?
I'm thinking more and more about making some sort of a semi-permanent move to the boat until he figures stuff out about moving. On the one hand, yeah, I do pay a bunch of rent here and feel like I have some right to the space and I also want to be with him -- I do still want that. It was really hard, though, first to be worrying about him in the firstr place, and second to know that, well... he was happy over there with everyone else, and he didn't owe me a call or anything. You know, it's not pretty, but that does hurt me right now. I seem to be bottom of the heap for dating priorities in my circle, and I think if I 'need' time with someone and can't get it I'd rather not have it rubbed in my face that everyone else is getting what they want, when they want it, and generally under their own conditions.
I've considered, a number of times, just dropping contact with all of them altogether. I think it would be a shorter, sharper, and less lasting kind of pain, but I would probably regret it. I've tended to run away from hard things in my life, and regretted it.
I know this isn't very generous of me.
I wish I could reassure myself 100% that it's okay to be upset now. Intellectually I do think, wow, what a lot of changes and stuff that could reasonably be expected to make you upset. Still, I don't feel like I have a right to it. I feel like if I'm not bright and cheerful and grateful for anything I get, that then I get nothing. I feel like this is going to be trivialised -- oh, she's just being angsty, or oh, I don't like angst.
I mean, I know things will be okay again later, eventually, at some point. I know I'll have some sort of setup that makes me happy at some point in my life. There are, you know, things to live for. This hurts now, though. Does the fact that it won't hurt forever, that other people might hurt more or also, does that make this matter less? It matters to me.
There's something sort of magical about having someone hold you when you cry. It feels really cared-for, it's someone accepting that you're hurt and offering you what comfort they can. Everyone has that, in the beginning, with their mothers. I'm lucky to have had it with other people in the past. I'm lucky to have it, very on and off, now. I suppose I shouldn't complain that I don't have it this minute.
I've been working myself pretty hard lately. I've been spending a lot of my free time accomodating other people -- volunteer work, mostly, and a bunch of 'sure, I'll hold this time open for a date'. I think I need to take a couple of days off all that and hang out at wreck beach -- I still haven't got there this summer. If I schedule some days off it'll likely rain, but hey, you do what you can. Where's a nice, outside, not-cold place to be when it rains in Vancouver?
Sometimes...
May. 7th, 2004 06:15 pm...you need to let things go, or they'll kill you. Just let them go. Does everyone spend so much time letting things go?
The song says:
You gotta set free what you love just to bring it back.
Except, it's not setting it free if you think it will come back. You can't do it to bring it back. You do it to do it.
I wish I knew whether this was good adult behaviour in compromising or codependent in giving in without getting my needs met. I wish I believed there was a right or wrong here, instead of just a clashing set of perspectives. I wish I could find a spot where I fit better.
I wish all these things, but still I will let it go. Holding onto this will kill me. I will let it go.
The song says:
You gotta set free what you love just to bring it back.
Except, it's not setting it free if you think it will come back. You can't do it to bring it back. You do it to do it.
I wish I knew whether this was good adult behaviour in compromising or codependent in giving in without getting my needs met. I wish I believed there was a right or wrong here, instead of just a clashing set of perspectives. I wish I could find a spot where I fit better.
I wish all these things, but still I will let it go. Holding onto this will kill me. I will let it go.