Self-Worth.

I'm not sure how to know if I'm worth something. Some people say this, some people say that -- I can't gauge it on what a person says, not a single person certainly (codependency of some sort?) and not a group of people. It's all a perspective thing, and I want an absolute answer. Poor me. ;P

Funny Faces

This is me making funny faces at you.

Alright, now that that's over: there were some interesting answers to the self-worth thing. It was a very little bit tongue in cheek; that is, I know the absolute objective authority that I want to tell me I have worth just doesn't exist in my conception of reality. My sense of reality's pretty floppy. I enjoy this, and I think it's interesting to watch myself wanting things outside of it in a grass-is-greener sort of way (if you stick me on the other side, this side looks awfully nice).

But yeah, can't rely on other people 100%, don't have any rigid belief structures, ahwell.

In other news, I still suck at code. I'm back to building on Chiaroscuro, and the only command I remember is @dig. That means I need to type a command probably literally about a million times before I remember it.

In still other news, there was a weekend trip to Stave Lake Power Station near my old home in Mission. We stopped by my old house on the way back, and to do so went by my old best friends' house. I'd never really said goodbye to the latter; the former keeps changing. It's less and less my home now that the horse stables are replaced by lawn and most of the vegetation cleared away. It's time for me to start thinking about making my own home, not being part of the one my mom made for me, and I've been turning to that naturally.

I think I'm doing okay. It's still raining and overcast outside (I need to check the garden) and that seems somehow restful after the relentless sunshine for so many months. I feel like I am my own sense of place. I'd like to spend more time with friends, though I have so little time to spend when other people are available nowadays.

I need that planned parenthood number again if you still have it, Estry?

When it's sunny again, I think I'll try to spend a little more time at Wreck beach. I wonder where permaculturists hang out in Vancouver? It's funny to think about where to meet people like me, because... well, anyone like me would be doing the things I'm doing, right? And so I'd meet them naturally. :>

I think I need to seize more opportunities, though. And I should take a few more VanDusen classes, and continue to attend the workshops they have.

And I should talk to Greg about chestnut trees.

And I should go walking by the water, and think about a space in a community garden.

And I will spend some more time with Estry, and Trevor, and _greenwitch_. Possibly I will go to the poly retreat with them (not Trevor ;).

And these are all things that I think I should do; they are not a moral imperative, I have not failed if I don't do them. They are pleasant things to look forward to doing when time permits.

Sometimes there are little moments when life is very gentle. That's so tonight. Many of my connections to other people are tearing in their intensity, and so often the gentleness comes when there is no one around. It's one step removed from lonliness, but it isn't bad. It just is. Tonight is gentle.

Saying No.

It's interesting; it's harder to say no than to ask someone to do something with me, for me, in the context of an evening together with people I am very close to.

I didn't used to say no at all. After that, I only said no if it would be unbearable. Now I say no if, say, I need some sleep, or if the commute time would set me on edge, or if the kind of time I want to spend is really a different type than I'm invited to.

This is hard. It's necessary; I can't always be available. But it always does feel like, 'take this, make this compromise in sleep/activity/commute, or you'll get none at all.'

Now, no one's said that, though it's somewhat true in a short-term sense. Longer term it's probably inaccurate. I suppose this is another aspect of knowing that I have options, and choosing one. I have the option to do things with people, it's my choice and I'm not compelled. I have the option to get enough sleep, or to spend time with myself, or to spend time with one person only, or to avoid a commute at night. I'm not compelled.

The problem with seeing the world that way is that, well, suddenly you're chosing not to do so many things. You can only do so much with any given minute or hour, after all.

I think I'll call this mood wistful. I'm proud of this lesson, but in some ways life is easier without it.

Oh, and Yes...

...if there's anyone out there that likes waking up in the morning, and enjoys being up and bouncy before noon and sometimes catching the sunrise from the proper end, do let me know. I don't believe anyone like that exists, and I need hope. ;P