Saying No.

[greenstorm]

It's interesting; it's harder to say no than to ask someone to do something with me, for me, in the context of an evening together with people I am very close to.

I didn't used to say no at all. After that, I only said no if it would be unbearable. Now I say no if, say, I need some sleep, or if the commute time would set me on edge, or if the kind of time I want to spend is really a different type than I'm invited to.

This is hard. It's necessary; I can't always be available. But it always does feel like, 'take this, make this compromise in sleep/activity/commute, or you'll get none at all.'

Now, no one's said that, though it's somewhat true in a short-term sense. Longer term it's probably inaccurate. I suppose this is another aspect of knowing that I have options, and choosing one. I have the option to do things with people, it's my choice and I'm not compelled. I have the option to get enough sleep, or to spend time with myself, or to spend time with one person only, or to avoid a commute at night. I'm not compelled.

The problem with seeing the world that way is that, well, suddenly you're chosing not to do so many things. You can only do so much with any given minute or hour, after all.

I think I'll call this mood wistful. I'm proud of this lesson, but in some ways life is easier without it.

Comments

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

you say no to me all the time, and I still love you!

tho this could partially be because at then end of it all, we'll be the two who end up in the little cottage together with cats and rats and beaded curtains and giant pots of soup.