New-To-Me BNL Song

"Break Your Heart"

The bravest thing I've ever done
Was to run away and hide
But not this time, not this time
And the weakest thing I've ever done
Was to stay right by your side
Just like this time, and every time
I couldn't tell you I was happy when you were gone
So I lied and said that I missed you when we were apart
I couldn't tell you, so I had to lead you on
But I didn't mean to break your heart

And if I always seem distracted
Like my minds somewhere else
That's because it's true, yes it's true
it's this stupid pride that makes me feel
Like I have to follow through
Even half-assedly, loving you
Why must I always speak in terms of cowardice?
When I guess I should have just come out and told you right from the start
Why must I always tell you all I want is this?
I guess 'cause I didn't want to break your heart

And you said
What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Curl up and die just because of you?
I'm not that weak, you know
What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Try to make you love me as much as I love you?
How could you be so low?
You arrogant man,
What do you think that I am?
My heart will be fine
Just stop wasting my time

And now I know that you will be okay, and that I got what I want
and that's rid of you
Good bye
And it's not cause I'll be missing you
That makes me fall apart
It's just that I didn't mean to break
No I didn't mean to break
No I didn't mean to break
Your heart

I want...

...to dress up prettily and go about in public. What I really want is to go back to the folk fest and live there, actually, since I realised about half an hour after I got home that everything here is still how I left it, but obviously my options in that regard are limited.

The symphony of fire's coming up. Who's going? It's tomorrow night already.

I think I'm going to try to go to all of them this year. I love the crowd so much, and over the last few years I've only managed one or two.

Estry and I are rearranging the livingroom and working on how we'll paint. I'm trying to feel ownership of my space -- started cleaning yesterday, as I do whenever I need to anchor myself somewhere.

Stuff with Mouse and the Juggler is still up in the air. Haven't talked with them yet.

I had a nice chat with _greenwitch_ the other day, and I'm realising that I (still!) have this solid network of friends around me. They may not *always* be there, but they *are* there, and the sort of demands that they place upon me are so light and gentle that I barely feel them. In fact, I'm sitting around trying to find ways to give back to people now, instead of feeling drained and resentful of things asked of me.

Although I'm very sad sometimes, and although I am still grieving, I think my soul is finally getting some rest. The things that are hard, here, are hard on me and not on it, and I can take a lot.

I'm even thinking things like: I could have a bunch of friends over at once. I could have a party, a gathering. I haven't thought that sort of thing in a long time.

So! I have lots of time, and space, and I'm fiding a different kind of better than I used to have. It'll be interesting to see if this is a breathing space or if my life will shape this way for awhile to come.