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I am awake. :(
Being awake, I might as well think a little. Morning's when I can do that best, especially when I'm sick.
The other night is something to think about. Er... last night. It was prickly, and yeah, I was sick; I get really prickly when I'm sick and can't sort of hole up and concentrate on drinking tea and reading. I probably should employ the hide-in-a-hole defense, but I do like being taken care of, so I tend to stick around doing things I 'shouldn't' (like trying to communicate meaningfully about anything, really) in exchange for a bit of solicitousness.
So it might have been just that. It might have been, though, that I'm approaching a fear-wall in the relationship already. Now, jut right now, the idea of a relationship scares me. I've never started a relationship after a big one's failed before. Never. It's a weird shaky feeling. Actually, most of my relationships have been started while with Kynnin as well, with a stable (heh) central thing going on.
So I know I'm going to be fearful fairly often with this. What I'd tried to promise myself was that I would not react based on fear, but instead react only based on things that (get this) actually happened that were bad.
So, sick as the excuse or not, last night I reacted based largely on fear of something that hadn't happened yet.
My fear is that, by dating a very social person, I will need to be very social or there'll be no time for me.
Oddly, my time buttons aren't (quite) feeling pushed by it. Instead, what's being pushed is something I'm less familiar with, which is probably why it slipped through the cracks so easily last night. It's my 'forced social interaction' button. I don't know how well you guys know me, but I'd bet every one of you knows me on a one-on-one basis far better than in a social context, probably almost the former to th exclusion of the latter. I just don't tend to spend time in groups. Whether this partly led to the downfall of the quad or not, I don't know.
A group for me is something different than a conglomeration of individuals. It's not a way to talk to Sally plus Bob plus Annie, but is instead a whole different entity on its own. The interactions are not comparable to the interactions with any of its component people.
I love interacting with individual people. It's my glory. It's wonderful. So when I'm going to spend time with people I tend to do it one on one just cause... you tend to do the thing you know you like, rather than go off and do random other things.
It's also totally draining for me to spend time in groups.
Now I'm being offered what is to me an obscene amount of social time with many people. I know I can't take it all, no excuses made. I would like to take up a bit/a bunch/explore some of it. I worry, though, that I have to; that I can only see Chris in a group, or that he won't like me if I don't interact 'properly' with his friends. This worry, until now unvoiced, has been distorting my responses. Now that I've pinned it, I should be able to think for a bit and just say 'yes' or 'no' to a situation without deciding based on the fears.
That's a good thing.
What else? Juggler and Chris haven't met yet. Yesterday was Rachel Adams' wake, and Chris went to that. It's weird that it's been this long without them meeting, and I'm not sure why that's so. Probably has something to do with both relationships feeling... mmm, dunno, illegitimate from the other side a little. Chris has some stuff around poly, Juggler I think has some stuff around some of the sex/responsibility parts, so.. I dunno. I feel the need to humanise them to each other. Now, this is totally projecting for me, cause meeting the other person really humanises them to me and I've no proof it'll work that way for them, but eh.
Apple Fest today. :)
Need to talk to mom and see if she's better yet, to transport some of my stuff.
Feel really crappy. The sense of helplessness I get when I'm really sick really bothers me. I can't so anything, I am not competent, I need help. All the meaningful useful stuff I normally do doesn't get done. I can't work. I can't think. I can't even really sit on a bus without my mind wandering off somewhere really weird, and I can't breathe without a hot drink every two hours. My head hurts. My stomach is uneasy. I have weird muscle pain and it feels bad to move. The pain stuff, sure, I can take that without too much trouble. What I can't deal with is how ineffectual I get. Last night I meandered off into a weird relationship discussion with Chris re: the above issues and I couldn't even get my brain to cut through the fog long enough to say: fear issue, drop it Greenie.
Then I hooked up with Juggler, and I could barely speak. Freh. Useless. And the thing is that this is when I especially want to give back to people, cause I'm neediest now and have to have something to trade for that solicitousness, for the how-are-you-feeling-can-I-make-you-tea-here's-a-blanket-lie-down stuff. Well, I feel like I need something to trade, more than just blobbiness and wanting to be cuddled.
I hadn't realised just how much sickness hit my guilt/uselessness/unwantedness triggers. I think they must have been developed more since I was sick for that month last year.
Wrong direction, Greenie. :/
Being awake, I might as well think a little. Morning's when I can do that best, especially when I'm sick.
The other night is something to think about. Er... last night. It was prickly, and yeah, I was sick; I get really prickly when I'm sick and can't sort of hole up and concentrate on drinking tea and reading. I probably should employ the hide-in-a-hole defense, but I do like being taken care of, so I tend to stick around doing things I 'shouldn't' (like trying to communicate meaningfully about anything, really) in exchange for a bit of solicitousness.
So it might have been just that. It might have been, though, that I'm approaching a fear-wall in the relationship already. Now, jut right now, the idea of a relationship scares me. I've never started a relationship after a big one's failed before. Never. It's a weird shaky feeling. Actually, most of my relationships have been started while with Kynnin as well, with a stable (heh) central thing going on.
So I know I'm going to be fearful fairly often with this. What I'd tried to promise myself was that I would not react based on fear, but instead react only based on things that (get this) actually happened that were bad.
So, sick as the excuse or not, last night I reacted based largely on fear of something that hadn't happened yet.
My fear is that, by dating a very social person, I will need to be very social or there'll be no time for me.
Oddly, my time buttons aren't (quite) feeling pushed by it. Instead, what's being pushed is something I'm less familiar with, which is probably why it slipped through the cracks so easily last night. It's my 'forced social interaction' button. I don't know how well you guys know me, but I'd bet every one of you knows me on a one-on-one basis far better than in a social context, probably almost the former to th exclusion of the latter. I just don't tend to spend time in groups. Whether this partly led to the downfall of the quad or not, I don't know.
A group for me is something different than a conglomeration of individuals. It's not a way to talk to Sally plus Bob plus Annie, but is instead a whole different entity on its own. The interactions are not comparable to the interactions with any of its component people.
I love interacting with individual people. It's my glory. It's wonderful. So when I'm going to spend time with people I tend to do it one on one just cause... you tend to do the thing you know you like, rather than go off and do random other things.
It's also totally draining for me to spend time in groups.
Now I'm being offered what is to me an obscene amount of social time with many people. I know I can't take it all, no excuses made. I would like to take up a bit/a bunch/explore some of it. I worry, though, that I have to; that I can only see Chris in a group, or that he won't like me if I don't interact 'properly' with his friends. This worry, until now unvoiced, has been distorting my responses. Now that I've pinned it, I should be able to think for a bit and just say 'yes' or 'no' to a situation without deciding based on the fears.
That's a good thing.
What else? Juggler and Chris haven't met yet. Yesterday was Rachel Adams' wake, and Chris went to that. It's weird that it's been this long without them meeting, and I'm not sure why that's so. Probably has something to do with both relationships feeling... mmm, dunno, illegitimate from the other side a little. Chris has some stuff around poly, Juggler I think has some stuff around some of the sex/responsibility parts, so.. I dunno. I feel the need to humanise them to each other. Now, this is totally projecting for me, cause meeting the other person really humanises them to me and I've no proof it'll work that way for them, but eh.
Apple Fest today. :)
Need to talk to mom and see if she's better yet, to transport some of my stuff.
Feel really crappy. The sense of helplessness I get when I'm really sick really bothers me. I can't so anything, I am not competent, I need help. All the meaningful useful stuff I normally do doesn't get done. I can't work. I can't think. I can't even really sit on a bus without my mind wandering off somewhere really weird, and I can't breathe without a hot drink every two hours. My head hurts. My stomach is uneasy. I have weird muscle pain and it feels bad to move. The pain stuff, sure, I can take that without too much trouble. What I can't deal with is how ineffectual I get. Last night I meandered off into a weird relationship discussion with Chris re: the above issues and I couldn't even get my brain to cut through the fog long enough to say: fear issue, drop it Greenie.
Then I hooked up with Juggler, and I could barely speak. Freh. Useless. And the thing is that this is when I especially want to give back to people, cause I'm neediest now and have to have something to trade for that solicitousness, for the how-are-you-feeling-can-I-make-you-tea-here's-a-blanket-lie-down stuff. Well, I feel like I need something to trade, more than just blobbiness and wanting to be cuddled.
I hadn't realised just how much sickness hit my guilt/uselessness/unwantedness triggers. I think they must have been developed more since I was sick for that month last year.
Wrong direction, Greenie. :/
