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Jun. 21st, 2005
Here goes.
Loneliness vs Bereavement.
So I spent the last 80 or so hours pretty solid with people, or sleeping, or both. Wonderful company all, and interesting stuff happening, and when interesting stuff wasn't happening it was hard work so I was engrossed.
Hung out with Ellen and Adrian and (sorta) Tanya, saw Ellen's garden, had Rose Milk Bubble Tea which tasted exactly like Rose Milk bubble bath smells, tentatively kinda-planned for them to come to my folk fest, admired soil, that sort of thing.
Then I got on my bus to go home, and the back seat's blocked off, and there are bloody newspapers on the floor. Some sanitation dude comes in with latex gloves to clean the blood up, so we're all sitting there for awhile. I start to feel... icky. Empty feeling somewhere in the vicinity of my uterus (no, really), sad, low, cry-y, that sort of thing. Bereft. I called Juggler, but he couldn't talk. Called Kynnin, he couldn't talk for the same reason that Juggler couldn't. Left to my own devices, I remembered something someone said on the poly list (strong emotions only last 7-10 mins if you don't 'refresh' them in your own mind). Pulled out the free copy of Canticle for Leibowitz I'd found outside a boookstore, stopped.
Thought about what I was feeling. I'd just spent a ton of time with people. When I'm done that, I always feel this way. What is it? It doesn't make sense for it to be lonliness-- I need my time alone, it's good for me, I enjoy it. What the problem is, is shifting modes. I make myself all big and open and connected and social, and then when people go away I feel bereft. Something that's sort of a part of my, my external thinking space, is gone. The people are gone, and it hurts a bit, and I want them back.
So, not loneliness, but bereavement, that's how I was feeling.
And I thought this stuff, then I thought my next two habitual thoughts in close succession: I wish I had a paid lj account to make a phone post about this, and I need to remember this for lj when I get home.
Then, pow! I thought, dude, I have a cellphone right here, I could call someone and talk, not about how crappy I am feeling, but about what I want to tell LJ: the difference between bereavement and loneliness, and what's going on in my head. You know, the kind of conversations I used to have before I had LJ?
But of course, Tyler isn't home, I don't really wanna make angsty calls to Devon yet (hahahaha!), Juggler and Kynnin are taken down in the same fell swoop, I just talked to Ellen, who does that leave? Tillie! But I didn't call Tillie, because by this time I was getting kinda tired and stuff. Anyone else wanna be on my list for this kind of thing, and how late is too late to call you?
So I've been mulling this idea of lj replacing conversations-about-ideas for a little while. When I have ideas like this, I don't hold onto them until I find someone to talk to, usually. If I have the idea in a conversation I'll talk about it, but the conversations aren't as long and complex as they used to be. Kynnin and I used to talk about ideas a lot, in fact, it's one of the things I usually 'start off with' in a relationship. It degrades over time with most people, cause we run out of ideas we haven't discussed (except with Kynnin and I). However, I haven't even been doing that as much lately -- not much time with the same person, to sit and work through to ideas like that. And it seems LJ is easier, to state that sort of thing quickly and run off to work is less of a big deal and an imposition than calling someone to talk about abstracts.
Whew.
Oh, yeah. I'm not gonna be on a three-month relationship-rebound cycle.
Yeah, but anyhow, last bit: so, every time my partner has relationship turbulence for a little while, it seeps into him, and eventually hits me. He gets listless, he sees me less, he's much, much less talkative on the phone, he closes down emotionally. Sometimes, when I call him randomly, the crackle of tension in the air is like an electrical shock, so it tends to 'teach' me to stop calling as often.
Usually when this happens, I get all weird. I'm like, I know this guy's relationships are a part of him, he's chosen this, what's wrong with him, blah blah, his house, blah blah, important to him he'd do something abotu it, blah blah? Do I like him enough to put up with these times? Would it be better for me if I said: call me in a month? Or would that be cutting off my nose to spite my face? Yadda, yadda. Blah, blah, stuff.
I'm pretty sure there's a way to get myself powerful in this that doesn't involve cutting off my nose to spite my face. I'm not sure what it is yet. I keep fixing on the escapist bits. I guess the thing to do is to try and do scheduling a little more in advance again, so I'm not sitting around waiting for him at the last moment. I really don't have 'spare time' anymore, to sort of be doing stuff and spontaneously be available when things have worked themselves out. I *do* have an available lifetime for stuff with him, I shouldn't worry so much about day-by-day.
Last night I gave the rats a bowl of water, and in the morning the water was gone and Caramel was lying in the bowl, all comfy-like. "What?" he asked when I opened the case, "what's your hand doing down here? Hey, go away." Then I replaced the water bowl with a full one. He was very cute.
Loneliness vs Bereavement.
So I spent the last 80 or so hours pretty solid with people, or sleeping, or both. Wonderful company all, and interesting stuff happening, and when interesting stuff wasn't happening it was hard work so I was engrossed.
Hung out with Ellen and Adrian and (sorta) Tanya, saw Ellen's garden, had Rose Milk Bubble Tea which tasted exactly like Rose Milk bubble bath smells, tentatively kinda-planned for them to come to my folk fest, admired soil, that sort of thing.
Then I got on my bus to go home, and the back seat's blocked off, and there are bloody newspapers on the floor. Some sanitation dude comes in with latex gloves to clean the blood up, so we're all sitting there for awhile. I start to feel... icky. Empty feeling somewhere in the vicinity of my uterus (no, really), sad, low, cry-y, that sort of thing. Bereft. I called Juggler, but he couldn't talk. Called Kynnin, he couldn't talk for the same reason that Juggler couldn't. Left to my own devices, I remembered something someone said on the poly list (strong emotions only last 7-10 mins if you don't 'refresh' them in your own mind). Pulled out the free copy of Canticle for Leibowitz I'd found outside a boookstore, stopped.
Thought about what I was feeling. I'd just spent a ton of time with people. When I'm done that, I always feel this way. What is it? It doesn't make sense for it to be lonliness-- I need my time alone, it's good for me, I enjoy it. What the problem is, is shifting modes. I make myself all big and open and connected and social, and then when people go away I feel bereft. Something that's sort of a part of my, my external thinking space, is gone. The people are gone, and it hurts a bit, and I want them back.
So, not loneliness, but bereavement, that's how I was feeling.
And I thought this stuff, then I thought my next two habitual thoughts in close succession: I wish I had a paid lj account to make a phone post about this, and I need to remember this for lj when I get home.
Then, pow! I thought, dude, I have a cellphone right here, I could call someone and talk, not about how crappy I am feeling, but about what I want to tell LJ: the difference between bereavement and loneliness, and what's going on in my head. You know, the kind of conversations I used to have before I had LJ?
But of course, Tyler isn't home, I don't really wanna make angsty calls to Devon yet (hahahaha!), Juggler and Kynnin are taken down in the same fell swoop, I just talked to Ellen, who does that leave? Tillie! But I didn't call Tillie, because by this time I was getting kinda tired and stuff. Anyone else wanna be on my list for this kind of thing, and how late is too late to call you?
So I've been mulling this idea of lj replacing conversations-about-ideas for a little while. When I have ideas like this, I don't hold onto them until I find someone to talk to, usually. If I have the idea in a conversation I'll talk about it, but the conversations aren't as long and complex as they used to be. Kynnin and I used to talk about ideas a lot, in fact, it's one of the things I usually 'start off with' in a relationship. It degrades over time with most people, cause we run out of ideas we haven't discussed (except with Kynnin and I). However, I haven't even been doing that as much lately -- not much time with the same person, to sit and work through to ideas like that. And it seems LJ is easier, to state that sort of thing quickly and run off to work is less of a big deal and an imposition than calling someone to talk about abstracts.
Whew.
Oh, yeah. I'm not gonna be on a three-month relationship-rebound cycle.
Yeah, but anyhow, last bit: so, every time my partner has relationship turbulence for a little while, it seeps into him, and eventually hits me. He gets listless, he sees me less, he's much, much less talkative on the phone, he closes down emotionally. Sometimes, when I call him randomly, the crackle of tension in the air is like an electrical shock, so it tends to 'teach' me to stop calling as often.
Usually when this happens, I get all weird. I'm like, I know this guy's relationships are a part of him, he's chosen this, what's wrong with him, blah blah, his house, blah blah, important to him he'd do something abotu it, blah blah? Do I like him enough to put up with these times? Would it be better for me if I said: call me in a month? Or would that be cutting off my nose to spite my face? Yadda, yadda. Blah, blah, stuff.
I'm pretty sure there's a way to get myself powerful in this that doesn't involve cutting off my nose to spite my face. I'm not sure what it is yet. I keep fixing on the escapist bits. I guess the thing to do is to try and do scheduling a little more in advance again, so I'm not sitting around waiting for him at the last moment. I really don't have 'spare time' anymore, to sort of be doing stuff and spontaneously be available when things have worked themselves out. I *do* have an available lifetime for stuff with him, I shouldn't worry so much about day-by-day.
Last night I gave the rats a bowl of water, and in the morning the water was gone and Caramel was lying in the bowl, all comfy-like. "What?" he asked when I opened the case, "what's your hand doing down here? Hey, go away." Then I replaced the water bowl with a full one. He was very cute.